Abusive parent vs parent who didn't protect

Let's talk about a dynamic that many trauma survivors recognize right away.

It's a common bind children face when growing up without safety: One parent demands, "You owe me," while the other walks away saying, "You're on your own."

Childhood trauma survivors who didn't grow up in safety often experienced both - a blatantly abusive parent and a parent who didn't protect.

Here are some examples of a parent who directly or indirectly tells their children, "You owe me."

• A parent who projects their own trauma onto their child and feels victimized by the task of parenting.
• A parent who plays the martyr and makes everything about them.
• A parent who makes an example out of their child to highlight how much that child causes them suffering.
• A parent who weaponizes the basics children need, keeping score with, "Look at everything I've done for you."

The parent who doesn't protect often, and sometimes directly, tells their child, "You're on your own."

Examples of this parent:

• The one who assumes children owe parents and believes that's normal.
• The one who might soothe but never protects, assuming having a perpetrator in the family is just how life works.
• The one who can't tolerate conflict.
• The one who is stuck or shut down, unable to protect or leave because of their own trauma or situation.

Where this leaves the child is having to find ways to survive the "you-owe-me" parent while chasing love and safety from the other.

In recovery, we often find more healing work to do with the parent who abandoned us. We may idealize them as co-victims because they weren't as obvious and therefore felt safer in comparison.

The truth is:

• Healthy parents don't make children feel ashamed or emotionally indebted.
• Healthy parents protect their children from anyone who crosses lines.

Patrick