"Just let it go" ?

There is a very specific and deeply triggering experience in toxic families: being told to be the better person in an abusive dynamic or situation.

You may have heard some version of this from family:

"You know how they are — just say you're sorry and be done with it."

"You don't have problems like they have, so just let it go and support them. They can't help it."

"I know they crossed a line, but they do have a point about you."

What's actually happening in these moments is that the childhood trauma survivor is being told, once again, to put away the abuse they just experienced and show up for the so-called greater good — or for the perpetrator — who is never challenged by the system.

This is profoundly wrong.

Because what we're really being asked to betray is reality, the healthy consequences of abuse, and ourselves.

In these moments, we are being manipulated into maintaining the status quo of the toxic system. And maintaining the status quo means enabling perpetrators in their abuse. The abuser doesn't have to change — they've just been validated.

In healthy systems, there are consequences. The person who caused harm is expected to look at their behavior and seek repair — not the victim.

How batsh*t is it to be abused and then be told to show up as the accountable one?

— Patrick