Do you ever try to work up the energy to state a boundary with somebody and then when the time comes to have that conversation, you just can't go through with it? Do you ever want to better your life by say moving to another place or going back to school or trying something creative or opening up a new business or a small business and there's this like deluge of negative self-talk that comes up that's abusive to you? Like who do you think you are to do something like that? Do you ever need to negotiate a salary or time off or not taking on any more work at work? And you cognitively know that other people can say no to those things, but when you try, there's this intense fear of being shamed or attacked that comes up. So, you give up on stating those boundaries or asking for the raise. Another example, which is a common one, is an attempt to break up with someone that you know the relationship isn't good for you or it's not for you and you just can't get yourself to do it when the time comes. And I think we've actually all been there.
These are examples of your inner adult wanting better and your inner child pulling you in the opposite direction due to childhood trauma and childhood trauma beliefs. Like, "Oh, I could never hurt somebody. That's why I can't break up with them." So, if you don't like the inner child language, and I get that, call it the fight between your limbic system, aka your trauma brain, specifically your amygdala and your prefrontal cortex. If you don't like that language around the inner child, prefrontal cortex would be representing the inner adult. So, the part of you that's an actual adult and wants more from life, wants to go one way, and the inner child or trauma conditioning is sabotaging that. And you're the same brain and you're the same person with these two parts. So, it's actually more appropriate to call it self-sabotage when you really think about it.
I'm going to do some role plays to highlight this problem and show some solutions on it and how to get out of it. But first, here are some basic ideas that I'm going to cover in this video.
Idea #1 The Inner Child is Not Bad In no way am I implying that the inner child is bad. The framework is that as a child, you were a genius to use the survival skills you had such as people pleasing to survive growing up and we need to honor that. What's negative about that though is that the trauma conditioning is keeping us stuck in our present life and our adult life.
Idea #2 Inner Child Re-parenting is Tricky to Learn Inner child parenting is a really tricky thing to learn and it's a long process to get someone's inner adult more in shape and strong enough in order to take on the job of re-parenting and do things like boundary setting or asking for a raise.
Idea #3 The Need for Psychoeducation Most people start inner child work as really overwhelmed inner adults and will need a lot of concrete psychoeducational and literal teaching on how to re-parent. Like literally what do I say, what do I do? Some are natural at it, but many have no frame of reference for healthy parenting due to how they grew up. Like how could we have a good frame of reference given that we grew up in childhood trauma.
Idea #4 Inner Children Present Differently Inner children present in many different ways. Some of us have very open inner children who have been waiting to be seen and readily accept the care that you give them and that's an easy presentation. Some of us have controlling, fear-based inner children who won't tolerate you breaking up with somebody. Some of us have despairing inner children or shame-based inner children. And some of us have inner children who are disgusted with adults, rooted in having power over the adult like "I've been fine my whole life, I don't need you."
Idea #5 Inner Child vs Inner Adult The difficulty isn't just with the inner child. It's also with the inner adult who might struggle with being too passive with the inner child. That inner adult literally might not want the job of re-parenting. Another is the inner adult who agrees way too much with the trauma police, colluding or enabling.
Two Main Topics Being Covered in This Video In this video I'm going to be covering two of the most common problems I see between the inner adult and the inner child. First is the passive inner adult who colludes with the inner child's belief system—like an enabling parent. The second is the self-loathing inner adult who takes on a disrespectful inner child's disgust and disrespect of power.
Info-graphic Chart When we want to better our lives and the inner child takes over, the inner adult tends to either give in or give up. For example, a colluding adult wants to ask for a raise but the inner child doesn't feel comfortable because risk growing up meant more abuse. The inner adult isn't strong enough and gives in to the trauma beliefs. Or, in the self-loathing case, the inner child ridicules them: "You're a loser. You can't even keep a plant alive." The adult buys into it and gives up. Hence self-sabotage.
Role-Play Details Here are two role plays for each of those problems. For each one, we'll roleplay the dysfunctional dynamic of re-parenting and then show the healthier version. I'm bringing in my mentor, Amanda Curtain, who taught me how to do these role plays.
Role-Play #1 - Setting a Boundary With Partner (Dysfunctional Re-parenting) Scenario: wanting to set a boundary with a partner who teases or creates discomfort. The inner child is highly anxious and insistent on not going there, and the passive adult gives in.
Role-Play #2 - Setting a Boundary With Partner (Healthy Re-parenting) Scenario replayed with a healthy adult in place: the adult validates the child's fear, acknowledges the trauma history, but maintains authority, holds abusive parents accountable (empty chair work), and demonstrates to the inner child that present relationships are safer.
Role-Play #3 - Asking for a Raise (Dysfunctional Re-parenting) Scenario: the adult wants to ask for a raise but the inner child ridicules and shames them. The adult gives in, self-loathing and enabling the trauma voice.
Role-Play #4 - Asking for a Raise (Healthy Re-parenting) Scenario replayed with a healthy adult in place: the adult sets boundaries around how the inner child speaks to them, validates feelings, insists on respectful communication, acknowledges distrust, contrasts present reality with childhood abuse, and commits to showing trustworthy behavior over time.
Final Thoughts Getting a strong, healthy adult in place is a process and a lot of people need help with that. Once it's underway, clients get a foothold on not doing people-pleasing or shutting down, which can lead to self-sabotage. They gain more insight into what their inner child needs and how their child becomes reactive.
Learning how to parent is hard—we need literal examples of what to say and what position to assume. The work is done by the inner adult, not the inner child. Expecting the child to change without real parenting is just like an abusive childhood. When you want to better your life and your inner adult goes left but your inner child pulls right, that's the opportunity for re-parenting work.
