On. Am I live? Are we here? Hello? Um, wave at. Wave at me if I'm live and if this is working, I always feel like I'm Mr. Magoo when I start these things. Hello? Hello. We're good. Maybe this chat. Maybe the chat's broken. Are we broken? Is anyone here? Okay. Um, raise your hand if you can hear me okay. Woo. There they are.There was a lag. How are you all? It's good to see you in the chat. Hello, Kate, Emily? Art. Hello. How many of you are there? There is a lot of you. Um, let me start this thing and make sure there's no echo. Turn that off. Okay, cool. All right. Um, what I would love to start off is I would love if you can think about it, um, since the chat, I think it's saved in these things.I would love to hear any recommendations or stuff that you want to hear about in videos. Um, I always have a running list of things that I want to do, things on my mind, creative things about toxic family systems, inner child work. Um, but I would love to hear if you want something specific and try to be kind of specific as you can.Not just kinda like, can you talk about agoraphobia, but, you know, can you talk about, um, you know, sort of like parenting your kids when you have childhood trauma, which is a big one I know of. Um, sort of like, you know, how to set boundaries with a specific person. So the more specific you can be, the more helpful it is to me.And the questions that you all submitted were amazing. I, I decided to keep it to the topic of, um, this issue around losing voice. Whether you sort of fawn or you shut down or, um, or you're, A lot of this stuff I think is like your inner child believing that it's not okay to have power. I know that that kind of runs deep.Um, but that's kind of, so I'm just, I kept the questions to the issue of being able to communicate and not lose our voice. And it is very much possible. It just takes a lot of work. Um, but I think usually what we're gonna be fighting when it comes to expressing ourselves, whether it's at work or we're in conflict with somebody, usually the body wants to do two things, like go big or go home, which is not good.Also, where we get too reactive when we go too big. Ruffle some feathers or even get ourselves into trouble at work or with our partner or whatever. Like it's not good to be really big and reactive or we really kind of get constricted. We go really tiny. We might cry internally, if that makes sense to you.A lot of times when people shut down or Fawn is a weird, interesting fact, they might cry from one eye, which really is a clue that they are shut down. Um, really going kind of inward and really difficult to get a person sort of out of that. Um, so whichever way that you're wired to either go too much or you shut down, it actually takes the same amount of energy to do two things.Um, I lost my train of thought here, but a lot of the interventions are gonna be around, what am I trying to say is a lot of the questions are, um. Kind of looking for advice, looking for tips, which I'll do my best to give you. But a lot of the answers to this stuff is about kind of concrete work, usually in like a group psychotherapy or with individual therapy.And I know that that is loaded and complicated and financial issues and accessibility and different international problems going on with it. But I kind of liken it to you. If you are asking me like, Patrick, I just got diagnosed with skin cancer. Well how do you treat that? I'm not gonna kind of say, oh, you just, you know, rub some lavender essential oils on it and call it a day.Like I'm gonna, in other words like the problem that you're asking about, the best way that I know how to treat it is with the care of a good therapist and I'm a group therapist, so it's where most of how I was able to do this stuff was in a good group or using community resources or Zoom Al-Anon or 12 Step stuff.And I know that that stuff loaded as well. So I'm trying to say that a lot of the interventions or a lot of my suggestions that I'll be talking about might actually, uh, tick you off a little bit. 'cause I know that you've been down that road and tried. But I will give my thoughts on it. I thought somebody would like to get lavender oil kind of a thing.I have a narcissistic dad, you know, just burn some sage. Um, I'm not poo-pooing on, on holistic stuff at all. I'm just trying to be, I'm just trying to be funny, stay out, co alive.That really tickle me. Eat a lot of greens. Um, you'll, you'll stop shutting down emotionally. Um, it's good times. Okay. Should I get to the questions? You guys wanna hear your questions? And again, I kept it to this issue of losing our voice. Um, so let's see. The first question, and I think I have a go about a good hour here, um, and let's, let's dive into it.Patrick, do you have any advice or suggestions around staying grounded during conflict? I've been struggling with fawning and freezing when trying to uphold boundaries with my parents. I found practicing what I wanna say ahead of time is helpful. That's an excellent, excellent point that trying to rehearse a little bit or really think about what you wanna say ahead of time is, is really powerful.Um, but like the person goes on, like, but when either of them respond, even if it's a predictable response, I cave and lose not only my voice, but my ability to think for myself until I'm alone again. So a couple things, um, and I'm not judging anyone in these questions, but in some ways, and this will come up in the other questions that.When you're in healing, I don't think it's really good to practice assertion with the people who were abusive to us or highly abusive people because I would sort of start with trying to assert ourselves or do a bit of conflict or expressing ourselves, which safer people because, and that's not always like a hard, hard truth for me.I just think that when you're trying to uphold boundaries or state your truth, or just simply clarify with people who are either toxic or difficult or highly abusive or all of it, um, it tends to take the wind out of your sails. Here's why inner children think that if they just get the magic code right, then they can cause a toxic person to not be toxic.So, and I pro I probably know that the author of that kind of gets that. But um, back to the question on staying grounded during these conflicts, um, and my suggestions here, they're gonna be repetitive, but if you have to go into a conversation with a, with a parent, and I'm assuming that they're, it's an abusive element to the parents, um, well 'cause you're here.Um, couple things is Yes, to write down what you maybe want to say. The biggest strategy that I have is that when you have to go into a really difficult conversation, especially, especially when it's high conflict or especially when people will overpower you because they're a-holes, I would sort of really, if you, if you can visualize this to visualize not bringing your inner child into that conversation.So you're only approaching it from your inner adult. Who can handle pushback more, who can handle kind of staying on task more and fighting the urge to go full shutdown. Um, and that, so that is probably my suggestion with that is to really, and what I mean by that is to a wounded inner child in abusive parent who overpowers you, they're not safe.So a lot of the work that I practice in the relationship recovery process is getting our inner adults more empowered and online so that you just go into that conversation. You know what I mean? It's just like if you're living at home or you have to clarify something about the holidays with your parent, you know, on the phone.And dad tends to be a screamer. Um, if you can just stop and visualize in sending your inner child to someone who is safe and then you approach it more, um, with just that inner adult. Try to think about this stuff too, as a win is a win. Meaning chances are you're not gonna get through to a toxic parent, but at best you might get them to be a little bit more quiet or shoot them down or get a little bit of kind of, I don't like this language, but kinda like, you know, to not let them have the last word or it gets even a bit tit for tat.Um, that's actually progress, I think. And don't, don't, don't say that I'm encouraging you to be a jerk. Um, I think it's, if you tend to shut down and lose your voice, I think it's progress. That if you're even like, oh, okay, well fuck you. You know what I mean? And there's a little bit of just that is a little bit of progress in that way.And again, I'm not suggesting that you tell somebody to f off, I'm just sort of, any, any bit of progress is a, is when you're not doing your usual and just going silent or letting. Mom or dad kind of go on, you know, a soapbox or something like that. So hopefully that's helpful. So the main answer around this one, advice on staying grounded when you tend to fall and freeze when with upholding boundaries with a parent, um, is couple things, is to think about, like, are you really gonna get anywhere with them?And if you do have to do it to not bring your inner inner child into that conversation and like you're suggesting, come up with that script. And it doesn't have to be super, even if that, that script is just basically like, I understand that you're, you have no interest in upholding what I need from you.That's where we're at. Okay, fine. And then you're out of there. That's even better than shutting down or just getting quiet. So I really appreciated that question. Okay. Um, moving on to this next one. Um, my family is high conflict. Mine was too. And while I'm in therapy, realizing all the abuse, I tend to still get into fights with my family.So there's a theme to like the last question about facts, stuff that happened whenever I do it, um, it doesn't matter what the facts are. True. Um, they are always getting a last word. Do I even keep doing that with them? Or is practicing speaking the truth worth it? What do you guys think? Because the person kind of has a little bit of a point.Do you think it's worth it to practice speaking the truth if you've been in this situation, you know, and also who out there comes from a high conflict family has to be the last word, has to be like, oh, why would you see that? Even if it's like, why would you, why would you drive the, you know, your brother's house that way?Why didn't you take the la la, la, you know, or some dumb stuff like that. Um. So if you identify with that, what do you think? I think, um, like with the prior question, it's not good to keep practicing with there because it's a little bit of, I think it can kind of twist our sense about how conflict works.And like with the last question, sometimes it's, it's good to be able to speak your truth and, and sort of, you might even get the last word or, or that you just don't sort of do your usual. But whenever, whether it's family or coworker or whatever, or a partner, yes, say it once. Good idea. Um, but I don't think it's good to sort of, to practice, you know?So I think what we're talking about is the focus is on not losing our voice in conflict and intimacy, but it's kind of all the, the, the bets are off when the person is abusive. There's no real healthy conflict and there's no real healthy intimacy, and now we're in a power struggle. So I would just kind of step out of all that and start to practice, you know, doing healthy conflict with a partner or joining a group, um, getting into 12 step, um, really trying to find a good therapist where you can actually, not that you're gonna be doing intense conflict with these folks, but just start to speak your mind more and in small ways rather than feel like you're gonna go up against like soran in like the Lord of the Rings and have this big battle with somebody.Like that's just, you know, um, doesn't, it's not, it doesn't really sound therapeutic. Um, so I really appreciate that question. Moving on to the next one. Um, I have a deep rooted belief that my story, feelings and thoughts in general do not matter. And logically I know this is not true, but I can't seem to get the rest of me to believe that.How can I find the confidence to speak in group settings and let go of shame and guilt and conflicts with my family? Um, this really is a beautiful question. The questions wrapped up in inner inner child stuff. Most of these are, um, you're kind of, I would say the author is probably fighting and hopefully I'm not reading too much into it.But if you generally, or raise your hand out there, if you generally go to this place of, oh, what's the point? I'm not gonna be hurt anyway. You don't bring up the thing or you do that at a party or you do that with your partner. Like you kind of, you might give up, I'm not judging, but it's just, it's a trauma response.You might give up a lot of your power even before the conversation gets started. If, if you watch the video that I did on the, the, the childhood trauma personalities, this would be a bit of the darkness. What's the point? And it's a, it's kind of a mind twist because it's a little bit like the inner child wants people to pick up on that.We've gone silent and make it okay for us, which people can't read our, their minds. And it's a little bit of a, it's what we needed from our parents. So I know that that runs really, really deep. But it's, it's, it's a difficult thing to wrestle with and it's hard to get out of it. Um. How do I find the confidence to speak up in group settings and let go of shame?Then I would start to go to some group therapy or like 12 step. And when I say 12 step, it can range from everything from adult children of alcoholics. You don't have to have an alcoholic parent to go there 'cause it's really dysfunctional family system, system-based Al-Anon. And you, you literally go there for quite a while and you start to learn how to speak up in groups.'cause they will go around and there's usually a speaking, um, it's not a requirement, but you know, they kind of like share the mic a little bit or you can start to respond to, usually, usually there's a speaker and you can start to respond to the speaker after they've told their story or something like that.Which is a great place to work on both family dysfunction, but this is, that's kind of where I learned how to do public speaking was in groups. But, you know, when I started my first childhood trauma therapy group, you know, I thought I was gonna throw up every time I opened my mouth 'cause it was so guilt based and shame based.And my inner child was really, I think back then really terrified of stepping on anybody's toes. 'cause I came from a family who are really easily, would just wound people in a very unconscious way. So to start practicing speaking up in groups, in actual groups. And I think for the majority of these questions, for everyone out there, notice that my interventions are gonna be very action oriented where you can't like, think your way through these things.You can be in your inner adult and try to do your best in the moment. But a lot of inner children think they, if they just get the answer than they will be different. It doesn't really work like that. And it takes a lot of human interaction, a lot of work in therapy, a lot of, you know, that kind of a thing, um, to get that going.Hopefully that kind of makes sense. But again, back to the, the essential oils joke. Um, we can't really approach an emotional problem through just thinking about it in our head, who out there tends to think about their feelings as opposed to inherently knowing them? Does anyone relate to what I just said?Anyone? Like, kind of like be a little bit dissociative or not being connected with your feelings and you kind of have to work at it to guess what your feelings are. Um, that's an example about kind of what I kind of just said where we're trying to fix an emotional problem, um, with a cerebral kind of like, you know, strategy.Um, so there's that one. And let me just see if I did that justice, how can I find the confidence to speak up in group settings, let go of the shame and guilt. I didn't address the shame and guilt. The other piece of this stuff too is I find that when a childhood trauma survivor struggles with speaking up fawning, losing their voice or having too much voice.Voice, um, I really think a lot of it comes down to what did mom and dad or parents model around expressing themselves? 'cause you could just have a parent who's incredibly shut down and doesn't say boo. Um, and, you know, just won't even, won't even take something back to Target 'cause they know it's not gonna work when that's not true.I don't know if that made sense. Um, uh, let's see. I lost my train of thought there. Uh, shame and guilt. The, so there could be modeled, but a lot of this stuff is, you know. Very simple. What we're talking about today is we still have a reaction to being shot down. 'cause most of us were shot down as kids even asking a question when you're like, four, what time is church?Oh, you should know. You know what I mean? Or why are we going here today? Why, you know, like there's just such a reactive thing to even just basic questions. And I know that I'm, that's light. But the other piece is just really being emotionally abused around stuff like saying you're stupid and you have stupid thoughts.And um, or if you asked a question or brought something up, it would have really nasty consequences. You know, like even something like, it's my birthday, but why does my brother get to do the thing, you know, and something, and have the parent have a huge abusive reaction. So we're all here, including myself, because it just wasn't safe to speak your mind.To the point that now it's like the body is just like, don't say it. Don't, you know what I mean? And our body kind of takes over. It's one way to kind of look at it. So the shame and guilt about that is, um, I think to address the shame and guilt is many of us have to ask and sort of to say, do I want to agree with my parents and say that I don't have the right to speak my mind?So I want to challenge you all with that. In other words, like don't let the abusive family system still take away your ability to use your voice. So it's a kind of a, a what do you value? The other piece of the shame and guilt is shame on the shame on them for being so abusive, not shame on you for just having a basic human right of sort of speaking your mind, even if that's messy.Hopefully that makes sense. Okay. How we doing? How's everyone doing out there? Too heavy, not heavy enough. Um, I really wish I could sort of see, see you all. 'cause this is, I feel like I'm a little bit doing this in a vacuum, so it's like the chat is kind of a lifeline, uh, technology. Okay. How do I deal? I love this question.How do I deal with mild conflict at work from coworkers who are, say even just mildly overstepping without malice? Why I love that question so much is that question is being written from the inner adult where the author gets it that my coworkers are just being human. They just might be overstepping a little bit.Um, there's really beautiful insight there. How do I deal with mild conflict at work from coworkers who are say, mildly overstepping without malice? Um, on my website there's a course called Re-Parenting the Inner Child, and I referenced something called dialoguing, which is when you talk to your inner child on paper between your dominant hand and your non-dominant hand.So my answer to this would be when it comes up, or even beforehand, it would be good to dialogue with your inner child and ask them, who does the coworker become? Or what does the issue of the coworker take you back to in childhood? And what you're looking for there is you're looking for the con. We, we want to hear from the inner child who might say something like, it's just like mom who would micromanage everything that I did and would go through my homework and it, she would just exhaust me.And, you know, did anyone have a mom out there who was like a, or a dad who was like an energy vampire? So it's sort of like whatever we're looking for, not that specifically. You're looking for something where the inner child is talking about childhood because inner children are watching the present through the lens of childhood.So when you have a coworker that's just sort of a little bit overstepping or speaking for you in a meeting or something like that, you get it that it's not like they're being a monster, but your body is like WTF, you know? So that's trying to spell out, there's gonna be a charge to that. And for, for people to become more educated and insightful, where does that charge come from?Why do I have this just reaction? Because ideally, you know, I love the show, the Office and specifically Jim because I like how Jim is just surrounded by dysfunction, but he just kind of like sees it for what it is and even have a, has fun with it. And it's, I think I like that character quite a bit because it's sort of like, he might be frustrated or whatever with Michael, but he's just like, you idiot.You know what I mean? And he just kind of goes along and he is just like, yep, TPS reports or something like that. Like that's where, where we would love to kind of get to with this. So have your inner child give you, or talk about the content, about what it was like growing up where someone would take something over from you?That's probably a clue. And then what I would do is really validate what it was like for that inner child. I would hold the parents accountable or the abusers accountable, meaning you literally get mad at them for your inner child and then you kind of say, let me take it over because at work. You know, these people don't mean poorly of us or whatever.They're just sort of people. But I can handle it and I can even use my voice and sort of say, actually, you know what? I appreciate you speaking for me, but that's actually not what happened. That would be a huge goal just to correct somebody. Or just to kind of say, actually I was hoping to work on that project and I had already put a lot of energy into it.You know what I mean? Is could we maybe negotiate or just wanted to let it know that I, you know, I'm a little bit disappointed 'cause I was really, that was my baby. Just, that would be a huge, amazing goal if you tend to shut down, or maybe you are able to say that, but you're saying it with a little bit of intensity because your inner child is assuming that the coworkers like a perpetrator, which you already know isn't true.So love these questions. Um, and incidentally, if, if anyone sort of like donated and did a super thanks if I missed it, I really appreciate you. I don't want to forget about you. I really appreciate it. It really supports the channel. Um, I didn't wanna forget about you. Okay. Um, how do I deal? Next question.How do I keep my composure and let go of fear and nervousness when I'm trying to assert myself and express my feelings and my perspective? My point of view when I feel intimidated and scared, um, I like with the other questions is when you do have to assert yourself or express yourself about your perspective, um, your body is having most likely a reaction and whoever you're expressing this to, like a coworker, a partner, friends, or whatever, the, it's like your body is projecting that your now your audience is like your toxic family or your abusive family.'cause if you're intimidated and scared, it's a little bit like your body is telling the truth about what it was like. And if you can start to practice, like with the other ones, writing down maybe what you wanna say, um, not bringing your inner child into that conversation. But my biggest piece of advice with all of this is, and hopefully I'm gonna be a little bit funny here and, and hopefully it makes sense, is when you practice these things, it's not gonna be graceful.It's most likely gonna be pretty messy. What I mean by that, you, you've already probably, I tell the story all the time, you've already heard about the sandwich story, so I'm even getting sick of it. But when I started like, uh, doing therapy around 19 or 20 or 21 years old, um, I had no voice full of shame, full of anxiety, really guilty.A lot of that came from not wanting to be like my father who had narcissistic personality disorder, and he would make a fool out of himself. He would be caustic with people. He could make a scene at times, he could be super. I think I spent most of my first 18 years of life being embarrassed to the point that I just wanted to crawl into the woodwork and die.So anyway, if someone, if I was at a restaurant after I left home before a lot of therapy, if I got a wrong sandwich, ordered a sandwich, got the wrong thing, I could not bring, I could not send it back. I could not tell the server that it was the wrong sandwich. I just sort of. Felt compelled that this is life on life's terms.And I had to do that as I started to do more therapy. In that example, I started to send the sandwich back. But my point is it's not gonna be graceful. You have to allow yourself to be a bit messy and a win is a win. But it would be like, this isn't my sandwich, you know? And I'd be like, still triggered.'cause I'm surfing the energy between do I shut down or do I speak up? And because you're in that, it's like you're multitasking and you're not gonna do that super gracefully. I'm just trying to kind of get everyone's expectations kind of in check. Like we kind of have these fantasies that you're gonna walk into the board meeting and be extremely eloquent or you're gonna shut down your alcoholic, narcissistic mom or something like that and be really empowered.And you know, you have to allow there to be some shaking, some messiness, a little bit of loss of words, um, some words, maybe not the words that you wanted, but it's all still progress. Does that make sense to people? Because it's, we, we have a little bit of these fantasies about telling somebody who has fantasies in their head about telling somebody off.You know what I mean? Like used to live in that all the time. I don't, I don't miss it, but it's like a, it's like a symptom, but when the time comes to speak up to the person that we're fantasizing about telling off, like will become a mess. So what I'm getting at is messy is progress as long as it's not your usual, where you're totally shut down and don't say boo.So hopefully that makes sense. Let's see if I answered that. Um, yes. So how do I deal with my conflict at work? Whether they're overstepping without malice, um, dialogue, who do they become? Uh, not bring your inner child there and allow for some messiness, but a win is a win. So if you can, a lot of this stuff too is, you know, a win is a win.If you can start pushing back a little bit. You're wired to not, and for those who overstep, who get really fighty and have a huge reactions, that was also me at one point. A win is a win is like you just kind of chill out more. Maybe you don't say anything. You know, is anyone sort of overly opinionated and upsets apple carts and rocks the boat to the point that the boat tips anybody out there, team, team boat tipping, anybody?Um, and again, it's not judgmental. I've, I've, I've done 'em all. It takes just as much energy to shut down as it is. So I'm just trying to say like, whatever your poison is, is you're gonna have to do a little bit of an opposite practice. And your inner child is not gonna like that. Your inner child is not gonna like speaking up when you don't wanna speak up and your inner child is gonna not like toning things down.So, um. Cool. So how do I keep, next question, how do I keep my composure and let go of fear and nervousness? Wait a minute, did I just say that one? Am I confusing questions? How do I keep my composure and let go of fear and nervous? That's what I'm trying to assert myself, express my feelings, my point of view.I feel intimidated and scared. I read that one right?Did I? Okay. I think I'm just gonna move on 'cause I'm pretty sure I read that one. I'm en enjoying myself too much and now I'm losing track. Keep keep it together. Okay. Um, okay, I understand not next question. I understand not losing my voice as remembering how I felt and thought about when I'm doing things with people.I have this problem that I would plan something and feel great about it. Then I would go out into the world and put the plan into action. And whenever I have to talk to people or collaborate with them about this, I tend to remember what they wanted and expected. And I forget my own voice. For example, I found a partner for a project and we talked about what, what they want, and I forgot what I wanted and didn't say anything.Then I must do what they wanted. But I can't remember that I had a different idea. So I stopped myself or abruptly cut the person off or stop the project. And my partner cancels work with me because I keep changing ideas. Okay, how do I work on this? What can I do every day to work on this really powerful question.Please don't take my answers as judgment. Um, a lot of this stuff is around to childhood. Trauma keeps us stuck in a developmental phrase. And what the question reminds me of, and again, please don't take this personally or judge judging you, this happens in all different kinds of ways for us. Um, it reminds me of being like, you know, pre-K, kindergarten, toddler age, where it wasn't sort of, there wasn't kind of a, it's almost like a socialization kind of issue, meaning that, you know, you could see kids, let's just picture two, three and a half or four year olds on a play date in a room together.And then one of them tends to be a little bit more willpower than the other one, and the other one really gets kind of crushed because the play strategy changed or what they were gonna play or what they were gonna do or what, you know, and kids kind of do that sort of all the time. And again, please don't take this as an insult, as we get stuck in a lot of developmental phrases, phases.So what I'm kind of getting from this question is I think that your inner child pops up and sort of says, and I'm, you could be inner child, could be at a young age, at a middle school age. Um, it's a bit like, again, the trigger around somebody else taking over, but then you're like, you are saying, and you don't like it.You, you kind of abruptly cut off the person or you change your strategy as a way to kind of maintain some power. It's a good strategy actually. You know what I mean? It just kind of becomes messy and it's not super necessary. But like with the other questions, it would be really powerful to dialogue with the inner child and think about where does that come from because you know it, this may sound, this might not be believable to many of you.In a healthy family system, kids are kind of taught how to negotiate. They're taught, how do you sort of work things out with others? And I don't mean a parents just go, oh, just go work it out. That there's literally parents that are kind of like, okay, you guys seem to be having a hard time. Tell me what's going on and let's figure out what would feel good for both of you.Like intervention healthy families actually do that, um, with their kids, especially if there's more than one kid, kind of like in siblings where, but what I find in the question is, what Talking with your inner child and dialoguing with them makes me think about. Where did that maybe get lost or, I'm, I'm, I'm assuming it was never there to begin with or talk about how the mess played itself out.Meaning you wanna be looking for, is there an older sibling that would overpower you and you were scapegoated? Um, was this modeled by a, um, parent? Was your parent kind of disorganized? And then would agree to an idea and then get really paranoid around the idea and freak out. So you gotta find that content and again, validate the inner child, hold the parents accountable to the caretakers accountable.And that's kind of what, what would be your first step is to figure out where does this stuff come from? And 'cause it's not good for you. Like you're sort of saying that people don't really wanna work with you because you keep changing ideas or you keep trying to like main maintain power in that way.So there's one thing then from the inner adult to start practicing. Um. There's a trigger that happens ahead of time in this question that when you get together to do a project, you might default to the other person, which is like step one, and then you get really, really triggered because you haven't spoken up.So to approach it differently, to approach projects differently is to really be expressive and work on that a couple times and even check in with the person, like, just wanna check in. 'cause it's like, I'm just dealing with my feelings on this, that if we're gonna clean the basement, here is my vision of how we wanted to do that over the next couple days and what we're gonna do with the stuff.And really make it a point to be expressive about it. And then let the other person do that as well. Because one thing to be clear of, and I, I wonder if you all will resonate with this, where inner children are really hypervigilant. So if you're working on a project with somebody. Where you're gonna be too vigilant around, they didn't listen to me.They're doing this now. Or why are we doing it this way? Does anyone relate to that? You know what I mean? Like, is anyone watching for the thing to go wrong? You know, whether you're right or you're wrong, the watching isn't, isn't good. So just, I would just sort of suggest to try to be aware of that as well.And again, like I, I know I'm throwing a lot out at you. Um, but it would also be good for all of these to be able to hopefully find a really good enough therapist, um, working in a group, working in in 12 step or some kind of, it doesn't have to be 12 step people have big issues with 12 Step that I very much get.'cause it's not perfect. But if you struggle with finances, it's probably the best deal in town for connection with people who are also working on themselves. So there's that. Okay. Um, how we did on time. Doing great. Let's see. Next question. How do you resolve conflicts with a romantic partner? Um, this was a really good one.How do you resolve conflicts with a romantic partner who uses therapy, terminology or concepts like John and Julie Gottman in a way you suspect is manipulative? The background here is my ex, whom my therapist, uh, suspects. Suspects had, uh, has, NPD would argue like this all the time. At the time, excuse me, I was not in therapy nor knew about NPD, but I had openly talked with my ex about psychology and therapy topics for fun because we found them interesting.Although neither rough of us are mental health professionals during arguments, he would critique my tone or state that I was reacting a certain way because of my anxious attachment style. He knew, uh, I had, he knew I have extreme anxiety. I, he knew I have, he knew I have anxiety and I had been cheated on before.So when he referenced them during conflicts, I would shut up because I felt like he had valid points and I was tired of arguing. I would tell him it's unfair to be playing the judge while also be playing the role as the opposing counsel. Thank God it's over. Yes. Thank God it's over. It's a really good question, and what I would say is, I think I did an Instagram post that was something like, um, people can be sophisticated enough to weaponize psych ideas, which is like what he was doing.You know, like he might, someone might say, oh, you're stonewalling now, or You're doing this, or you're doing that, and being psych minded is not bad. But when somebody weaponizes. Um, psychology ideas to win an argument. It really points to their sickness and their low emotional intelligence, because it's just becoming about conquest than about intimacy.Does that make sense to you all? Does anyone know anybody that'll weaponize psych ideas? It's, it's obnoxious. You know what I mean? It's just like, it's just like, I hate it. I hate it when someone's like, oh, now you're just, you know, now you're just ruminating on one, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know? So you might have someone who's intelligent enough to get the concepts, but not emotionally intelligent enough to know their impact on the relationship.So I would say there, and to kind of like, as you know, well, I would just answer this question and what to look for is, um, a good sign of a safe person is somebody. Who can, we're all very defensive, we're all very sensitive people. Um, quoting Marvin Gaye, there we're all sensitive people. Um, but somebody who is safe is gonna be kind of, have the ability to be more vulnerable and take something back.It doesn't mean that they're gonna let you win an argument or something like that. But somebody who is not safe is somebody who is never wrong. And like with the dialoguing thing that I referenced, you know what, I'm gonna put that in the chat because I keep referencing it. It's a, it's an e-course that I did.It's really, I, I learned it from my mentor. It's, um, re-parenting the inner child and it's the introduction to doing dialoguing. So I keep, I wouldn't be fair that I don't sort of give you guys what it is. Here's the link to it. Did that come up for you all? Let me know if that link, that link looks weird and broken.Is it? Let me do that again.Okay. Could someone click on that and let me know if it's broken or not? You know what, I'll just put the, it looked weird. Okay. You can also get it there. That, that doesn't look broken to me. Okay. Thanks for the link. Link is fine. Great, great, great. Um, so about the dialoguing piece and, you know, regardless of who this person was, um, and coming into your life and, you know, weaponizing psych ideas, it would be good to dialogue with the inner child and figure out how, how, why, and where did growing up in the family system that you grew up in was, you know, having some power not allowed.And by power where, you know, it's a beautiful thing when healthy families like let their kids ask questions, let their kids kind of state their mind, let their kids kind of talk back a little bit in sort of conflict where there's kind of respect for them. You know? Um, we wouldn't be here if we had that.So you gotta figure out, I think about, 'cause you want to be protecting yourself not to find yourself in this with a similar person who can overpower or whatever, you know. I think a lot of us, I think everybody at some point will be defaulting to other people, um, which is means to give up power and, and it's, it's kind of easy to do that in a romantic relationship, especially if we're smitten with somebody.But at the same time too, um, I think it goes from having no power to kind of getting messy and really being expressive for a while. Then I think. As we heal, we go more into shared power with somebody 'cause we're not so defended. Hopefully that makes sense. So I really appreciate that question. That's, that's a hard one.Um, but my, my answer is, is to start working with your inner child, figure out what got you there. But also how do you protect yourself from finding yourself with another person that might kind of do that and not be, even if they're not a narcissist, a lot of people can do that. Um, folks with regular old C-P-T-S-D can not wanna lose a fight.But again, a safe person is able to kind of challenge you but also own their stuff as well. So there's that. Um, next question. Whenever my partner and I fight, I know our fights are in healthy conflict. Good, but I'm stuck in that I go blank and my partner is better at bringing something up then because I'm shut down, they feel bad and have to take care of me.Very common problem here. I hate it because it's like, can you shut the light off in the living room when I go to bed? It's small stuff is what they're saying. It's not huge stuff and I'm having an outsized reaction, but I can't be present. Love this question. Um, who relates to the question? It's sort of like, someone's like, can you pass the salt?And your kid feels like it's an assault, assault, um, your kid really takes it personally, or there's such small, small things and it just can really, you know, or it's just simply who, this might be The best way to answer this question, who out there relates to this is if someone simply asked you a question about something that you did, you go to a shame spiral or a big shame place about it, and then you're in a trauma response and then it's just like they, you know, it's not really fair to them either.'cause like the author is suggesting like, then they have to take care of me. So it's not good for any of us. Um, here's what you do to get out of it. Um, I would rehearse a little bit when it comes up to simply start saying, um, I'm shutting down and I know that that's not fair, but let me come back to this.Like, let me get my stuff together. That's you taking ownership so that the other person who might be a little bit codependent themselves doesn't have to take care of you. Just gimme some time. I, I can feel myself shutting down. And again, that's like tightrope of the body's like, shut it down, shut it down, shut it down.And then your inner adult or your prefrontal cortex is just like, just wanna stay online for a second. It's like that kind of battle, which sucks, but it's not forever. Then I would learn how to dialogue and do that course that I put in the link and start to work with your inner child about where does that come from growing up?How would that be true? When you were five, when you were 17, was it something that your parents modeled? Was it, was it a strategy that you had to come up with because you were always in trouble? A lot of this stuff too, losing our voice as the body always thinks that we're in trouble, which is like a reaction, which is not always true.It's like probably rarely true when I think about it, unless you're not safe with people. Um, so to remove yourself, to promise your partner, they're gonna come back, do the dialoguing, and then try to stay in the conversation as much as you can. And a lot of this stuff too is that it sounds, it's not exactly mindfulness, but in RRP it's a little bit like in, in our groups where we're trying to get people to talk about their feelings in real time, which helps you stay online more.I can feel myself shutting down. I feel like you're mad at me. Can I check that out? Probably not true. Cool. You're not mad at me. And kind of work through it in a little bit of that way. But what's really, it'll really, really enhance the relationship because real intimacy is like, this is a very common problem that couples get caught up in.One person's inner child goes underground, and then the other person feels like they have to chase or take care of you. And real intimacy is really, it's like there's some real, it just makes such a better relationship when people are more on top of their stuff, who has a partner who refuses to be on top of their stuff.You know, like it's just like, it's a very lonely, hard experience, especially when you're working on yourself. So it's really powerful to see somebody own their stuff in that way. So, let's see. Um, Patrick, thank you so much for this topic. Let me just check on something here. Um, check on some time. B Bty. Do.Okay. All right, cool. Let's see. Patrick, thank you much for the topic. I don't know any other way to, I don't know any other way than to placate in conflict. How do I learn with what method to learn conflicts that's healthy or normal? Um, I so much understand that I can fawn, but I don't know how to change into being that kind of resolute.Good question. Um, placate defaults to other people who does that out there. Like, even if it's, Hey, do you want to help me move? I'll get you pizza. You know what I mean? And you're just like, uh, you, you need, it's the worst day in the planet for you. And you're like, uh, I'm, I'm being, I'm being funny. But it's not that far from what I used to be like, like no, wasn't in my brain.It wasn't like, didn't know it was an option. But to placate, placate, I know what you mean by placate is like talking the person down, overly agreeing with them. Um. It would be good, like with the other things to dialogue, figure out how that was true in growing up and really take this back to in childhood about who did you have to talk off a ledge.Because when I think of the placate such a good word where I find that you're probably trying to overly people please with an abuser because it's better than not, you know? Um, it's better than, you know, to little kids. If you all remember, you know, being small four or five years old, a family fight or a dysregulated adult is the worst thing on the planet.It is the worst effing thing on the planet, a family fight. It's the longest 45 minutes of your life when you're four. So we do this stuff for really good reason. Um, many of you might even, I did this too, is like, you know, we would even head potential conflict between two other people at the past. Where you're like, oh, here's five bucks.You know, now you, you know, now you don't owe him any money 'cause you're so, so avoidant of any kind of fight or what's going on. 'cause the body just remembers that. So what the inner adult can do is dialogue with your inner child on paper, left hand, right hand. It's like deeper than journaling. Try to figure out how is that true?Growing up? Be specific. Don't just say Mom fought, fought with dad. Like, get into that. Tell me more about that. What was it like? You hid in the closet. Yes. Or when dad would come home drunk, you really sort of, you, you pointed him to the bed and you, you got him a meal so he wouldn't flip out and be abusive towards your little brother.Um, really got good at turning the beast down kind of a thing. It's not good for us in the present. It wasn't good for us back then either. Um, so you're looking for that content. Hold the parents accountable, validate what it was like for the inner child. And then take some ownership over. Let me handle, um, our, our moody coworker at work who tends to be dramatic and everything's gone wrong.You know what I mean? So then to think about, pick a person that does that and think about past or present and kind of write out what did you, how, how did you, one second.Come on. Gonna introduce you to YouTube. You wanna be on YouTube? This is Tessa my cat. She'll just, she'll just kind of poke around. Um, where was I? There she is. So, hi. Hi. How many, there's like 800 people on the screen. You wanna say hi? Um, so she just shows her butt. That's what cats always do. So let me get back to the, let me get, oh, the keyboard.Ah, okay. Um, come here. Oh, my questions, where my questions go. This poor, this poor, poor person who, who wrote the questions like Cat the thing he was just gonna gimme the answer. Um, lost my place. Tessa. Tessa. Okay. Um, do, do, do, I am almost there. Placate. Okay. So what I was gonna say is pick a person past or present and write out a script of maybe what you wanted to say to them at the time.Write out if you have that moody coworker, come here moody. If you have that moody coworker or whatever, kind of write out what the boundary might be. Like, you know, even if it's just as simple as just like, let's just say hypothetically that you have a dramatic coworker in the cube next to you and like they have to vent and they distract you for like 20 minutes.Does anyone relate to this hypothetical? 20 minutes of just, and another thing, and they don't even know, they don't even know how much I'm doing on the other side. And it's just like someone just takes over, right? And you might take care of that person and the script that you're looking for is something like, uh, Judy, I have a lot of work to do right now.I'm so sorry. I can't do this. Where you kind of have to wait, I gotta let, I gotta let you go. Um, okay. You kind of have to allow yourself to be an a-hole. Like is anyone like on Reddit? Like, am I the a-hole? We have to embrace that the inner adult can embrace. You're not really being an a-hole, you just are more boundaried and a little bit more assertive.But people pleasers assume that they're an a-hole when they go to those places. So that's why I use the word it's a little cat boundaries. It's, um, but that's the, so write out that script and really start practicing in little ways. Even if you can't be like forceful with Judy in the, in the cube farm thing, to be able to say like, Hey, I'm so sorry, but can we talk about this later?A win is a win. Instead of staying in that for 15 or 20 minutes and trying to soothe them, probably because you already had the rep, you know, the, you who has the reputation of doing that. Families, partnerships, friends, coworkers, we, if people pleasers, we have these reputations that people come to us with that stuff.So there's that. Let's see. How many more questions do I have? I'm gonna try to be a little bit more fast and get through some of these. Um, so there's that one. My father is the kind of person who can never be wrong or even implied to be wrong without it opening up a whole can of worms. Sounds familiar.So my whole life I have learned to speak in a way that diminishes my feelings and dances around his, so he won't be offended in any way. So it's kind of related to this placating question, um, to what I'm saying, this has made it so that talking to my father feels disingenuous. Yes. Because it is. Dad will also say things that get under my skin and I always feel ignored, but when I start calling out, when I hear them, but I want to start calling out when I hear them.Every time I've done this in the past, I get shut down by him or I go blank and lose my words. How can I start to train myself out of this? I would just give up on getting into it with him. Um. Where it's the hardest thing I think for a childhood trauma survivor, if you're kind of wired like this, is to give up on the parent who really isn't interested in knowing you or having actual conversation with you and, but the inner child feels array of feelings to things like, well, if I do that, I kind of let him win, or I'm weak, or I give up on getting through to him.Those are all inner child beliefs that a lot of us do, a lot of us struggle with. There's more, there's more beliefs than that. So what I would do is, you know, I would start to do speaking up with different people, healthier people, a group, a therapist, friends in that way. But it's sort of like we are, and again, I want to be clear about this is a really powerful phenomenon where.Childhood trauma survivors, they tend to get stuck in trying to take the trauma to the family or try to take the, the abuse to the abuser to try to fix themselves through that. So when I was taking clients or in my groups and, and the client would come in and we would talk about like writing letters to an abusive parent, they'd be like, why don't I just call my dad and tell him this stuff right now?Because I would just sort of say, it's not safe. It's not. Thank you very much, Ray. Really appreciate that. Um, it's not safe to do that because it's sort of like you're trying to heal in the place where you got abused. You're trying to get blood from a stone, like you're trying to get him to have a different reaction where.They don't really know us and they don't care to know us. So let's just say if you even become really, uh, empowered and assertive and you kind of, you know, get into it with him, he's gonna go from you are just sort of like the moron in the family to what's gone into you now. There's not gonna be like, oh, maybe I'm, you know, like, oh, good for him.He kind of won that argument. You know what I mean? It's not gonna go down like that. Um, so what I would suggest, you know, is to do saying, being able to bring things up in safer ways with, with healthier people. So I really wish I had a better answer for that one because it's sort of like we should be able to have adult conversations with our family, but this whole channel is about childhood trauma.And I'm just gonna assume that if you're here, then there was abuse in childhood. It's kinda like what we're, what we're all talking about. So there's that, and some people might even sort of say with this, um. Some people criticize me going like, you don't even know who the father is. How do you even know?It's just, it's just because the person's here, because the person's here because they're at this channel. Do you know what I mean? Like, anyway. Ah, anyway. All right. Um, I always feel guilty. Next question about upsetting others. When I speak up for myself, how can I overcome this? Um, guilt and shame are huge.I would sort of, again, try to figure out the dialoguing thing from the resource that I, I'll put into the thing. Again, I'm not trying to sell a course, I'm just trying, when I say inner child or dialoguing or whatever, that's the tool that I'm talking about. And it's difficult to kind of just pop out and explain.It's a whole, you gotta, it's a process to learn. Um, guilt and shame are powerful, powerful behavioral motivators, um, in the toxic family. So to figure out where did upsetting others originate, you know, and what you're looking for there is raise your hand out there. If you brought up something to a parent that it would destroy them even as something like, oh, I, I wish I could have a play date with so and so.Or, or, oh, I, I wish I could spend Christmas, you know what I mean? With, I wish grandma could come for Christmas and, you know, the parent would just go, they would just cave in and lose it. You know, that's one way that guilt and shame can do that. Or you're being attacked for those things. Um, there's nothing more powerful, I think, to a child than a parent who loses it over basic things that a child might need or sort of want or want ask questions about.So we become so in tune with not burdening them because they're having such a burdened reaction. Does that make sense to you guys? That burden piece upsetting others. You know, like, so even if you're at work where, coming back to this thing about embracing being an a-hole, sometimes you're gonna have to request time off from work and that's gonna affect your coworkers.It's like the perfect storm or like ground zero for someone that struggles with guilt and shame and people pleasing. Do you know what I mean? And they might sort of say, well I really need a week off, but I guess I could take half a day 'cause I don't wanna upset Kathy 'cause she has kids at home. You know what I mean?Like, it's such a uncomfortable, awful kind of place to be and to figure out where did that come from growing up? Where did that originate? And then from the inner adult is to start to embrace about, or another good question for all of these things, don't be a narcissist. Um, is, I lost my train of thought.Is um. Ask your inner child, what do you think is gonna happen to get that narrative in place? What do you think is gonna happen if we request the third week of February off because we're burnout and you're gonna, hopefully if your inner child is, is talkative with you, um, Kathy's gonna have a nervous breakdown.The inner child's talking about mom, everyone's gonna think I'm an a-hole. Everyone's gonna think I'm selfish. Guilt and shame. Selfish is usually like a building block for those things. So you're looking for that narrative about what the child is afraid of. And then from the inner adult, you can start to unpack that and sort of, kind of do some reality testing.Everyone works, you know, like this poor woman named Kathy. Kathy went away. Four months ago, you know what I mean? And she, and we covered for her. And the inner child might say that's different. She had a valid reason. So you really, you might have to do a little bit of battling of reality testing with the inner child about these things because they have such big beliefs about the present.And wounded inner children are not the experts on the present, the inner adult is. So, if that makes sense. Okay. Um, how do I physically ground myself when speaking up for myself specifically, I feel like my throat, throat constricts my voice and breathing go from my chest up to my throat. I sometimes get shaky hands, faster, heart rates, sweating, um, really, really well spelled out about what happens to the body if you really go to an anxious place about speaking up or shut down.Both fawning. And what I would do is start looking for opportunities in small ways to speak up like. No, I would rather Thai food and not pizza. And I'm not trying to be minimizing of anyone's situations, but just for smaller things to pick up because it feels so big to the inner child to say bigger things.Like I need a week off from work so people can probably tell you're triggered. Um, which is not good. I'm not sort of saying that they're gonna be abusive to you. It's just, you know, it's just not really a good place to kind of be in. It's better to sort of as best as you can, to be more empowered. But coming back to what I earlier said is that a lot of this stuff is just keeping the inner adult online too, and still having the body be activated.It's okay to be of two minds and to still be able to say what you need to say when that's going on, but I think what's gonna lessen the activation around it. Is figuring out where it comes from in childhood, but also this is a really important piece for everybody when this dialoguing thing, the inner adult has to point out how the present is different that we covered for Kathy when she went to school, when she took a vacation, that it's okay to speak up with people.It wasn't okay to speak up growing up. In fact, you did the right thing by not doing that because that brought more abuse. So, um, it's, it's huge. Um, so to really spell out how the present is different, and I'm gonna do last couple questions and then I, I'm gonna, we're sign off in a little while. Um, I often get stuck in pre-verbal nervous system response when I'm confronted with information from another person that I find is incongruous to my reality and to my memory of events.I can often forget what has been said up until a certain point, but I know what I'm experiencing and I can't put into words to my truth even if I can't exactly recall verbatim words of the specific conversation for everyone. That just is really a well said version of what it's like to be triggered tunnel vision.We don't remember what people said we're fixated only a couple things and it makes my version more able to have holes poked in it, and I find myself feeling attacked with reasoning that sounds logical, but feels horribly wrong and insulting. Couple things here is really powerful conversation really. I mean, really powerful question and to be able to know what it takes you back to.I'm reading into the question, there's a lot of. How do I put this? I think the top tier thing that is the definitive piece around childhood trauma is the abuse around perception. Things like being manipulated, gaslighting, being blamed for things. Um, parents, you know, even to have a codependent parent paired with a highly abusive parent and that codependent parent doesn't protect and doesn't, isn't real about how abusive the other person is.That is really to abuse a child's perception because it's sort of like the message is, it's not that important how abusive the other person is. You just have to, you know, you just have to kind of, um, roll with it and they're not being real. Meaning that the severity of the abuse isn't real, which is another warped of perception.Does that make sense to folks? You know, so we find ourselves with an abusive relationships or we don't really know where the line is, like this person, you know. So what I'm getting at is that the, the specific trigger that you have is, I would figure out where it comes from growing up, then you're probably projecting.Thank you very much. Um, last name, Purdy. Thank you very much for that. Projecting that the other person is now messing with you or trying to gaslight you, which may not be true. So it's sort of like you're going to a, a big place, but you're also losing your cognitive faculties because of the trigger, which isn't good.So in a dialogue, what does it take them back to? And then who does the person become? Who is the person who's poking holes where, you know, like it's just not. It'd be, it would be good progress to become like a better fighter in it where you're staying in it more and remembering more. And how you do that is to don't bring the inner child into those conversations.'cause the inner child is part of your limbic system, your amygdala, part of the trauma brain that where you start to kind of shake and go underground and lose your words. It's not good, but at the end of it, it's also not good for you to walk away feeling like they won or you are messed with because that also reinforces that story as well.And what I'm getting at there is this piece about, um, and this is may not what the author intended is, you know, first of all, if the person on the other end is abusive, maybe don't kind of go there with them. But if they're good enough, like a partner or a coworker, like they're not a villain, just be clear on that because inner children wanna make other people villains.Who does that? Who's got an inner child where the other person just becomes, I'm not saying it's not true all the time, I'm just sort of saying that you know it. I'm also saying it isn't true all the time, where the person really becomes a villain. And when we think about the word gaslighting, let's just say I'm working with a couple and they both have C-P-T-S-D and they both fight from a reactive place or a shutdown place or whatever.One person might say, you're gaslighting me. And I may have to clarify to say like, it's, they're probably gonna feel gaslit. But what I have to say, um, it's not always gaslighting. Gaslighting really comes from a certain intent. It comes from a place of willfully wanting to manipulate someone's reality.And if someone is disagreeing with how things went, or even if they're projecting or they have their own kind of trauma, it doesn't always mean that it's gaslighting. So just wanted to kind of put that out there. But to an, for the author of this question, dialogue with your inner child. Figure out where it takes you back to who does the other person become.Thank you so much, Lori. Um, who does the other person become in that narrative you're looking for? Well, they're just like my dad, where they overpower me. They make me feel like I'm an asshole. Even when I'm right. You're looking for that story. Ask for specific examples from your inner child. You're looking for 80, 19, 87.When we went on that, that trip to New Hampshire in the summer, that vacation where it was just awful and the drinking was awful, but I was just, I ruined the whole thing. You know, you're looking for that betrayal of reality. You're looking for that stuff as best as you can. Then to think about how the present is different.I would also say to your inner child is, let me handle it because I can stay in these conversations better and I'm gonna practice not losing my words. Like with the other one, if the person is safe to say, let me step away from this conversation 'cause I feel like I'm losing my words and I want to be able to express to you what I'm thinking.Little bits of mindfulness or like literally spelling out what's happening for yourself in real time. Okay. Uh, let's see. Last question. How do I know when I am the one in the love This question? How do I know when I'm the one in the wrong versus being gaslit? I'm quick to own my part or assume I'm at fault, but it seems like my partner is slow to those things and is happy to let me take full responsibility in the conflict.On the rare occasion, I have used my voice or set a boundary. I'm met with little or no feedback and it's unsettling. And these conflicts feel left open and lingering tension instead of wrapped up neatly in a bow where everyone can exhale. Mm-hmm. With this one, like I said about being gaslit, um. Let me just think for a minute.It might be good, I don't, you may probably already did this, but I would be curious to, does it'd be good to let the partner know what it's like to be in a, in a fight with them and to, you gotta be careful. You gotta do that from a place of like, like this place of kind of like neutrality or good faith and just kind of say like, you know, I think what happens when we fight is, you know, I tend to own a lot and then I'm curious about what happens to you.Does your inner child think that the fight is over now? Because I feel like you kind of, I feel like I lose you. I feel like you kind of go away, or do you feel like you're as like, okay, you're, you're in the, you're in the wrong. That sounds right to me. Do you know what I mean? I would be just be curious about where's the partner go in these fights?Um, on the rare occasion that I use my voice or set a boundary, I met with little or no feedback, maybe they really get shut down. And what I'm talking about here is hopefully I can articulate this. Um, inner children think that they're the really only messed up one in the relationship. So we tend to assume who does this, who assumes that their partner has it more together than they are, than they actually are.Or if you start a relationship, it's like you might've spent some energy in trying to hide how messed up you are. And then it became shocking that the other person kind of had some stuff. So it's, um. It's a bit of a, it's a hard, it's a hard thing where we, just because of shame and guilt or our self-esteem or how we view ourselves, we think we're the only really messed up ones when that's really kind of not true.And I'm wondering if I'm, if I'm picking up on that in the question, maybe I'm reading too much into it, but you're quick to own your part and you're assume it your fault, but then it seems like my partner is slow to those things and is happy to take full responsibility. I would just say how do you know that the partner isn't sort of shutting down or is really terrible at conflict or has their own childhood trauma?I'm sure you kind of know on some level, but that's where I would kind of think about there. And how do you know for you, um, there one way to think about conflict is, and my mentor just calls it a bump, and people tend to think about it like who is in the wrong, who is in the right. And just to kind of say, you know, um, I'm sorry I got huffy with you about how I felt like I was just bringing in the groceries alone, but what happened to you in that?And the person might say nothing. It was your issue, you know, and that's not really true. Meaning that, um, they may not be being fully real with themselves about it 'cause it's probably like an ongoing thing. So hopefully I've kind of made some sense there. So that's it everybody. We got through the questions.That's it. They were beautiful questions. What was a good takeaway? What's something that really kind of stuck in your mind about these things can hang out for a few minutes. Thank you so much, Dee. Thank you for that.Excuse me, I'm getting kind of froggy, but what's a really good takeaway from some of these things? What did you learn? What was valuable to you?You're also welcome. Bring the inner adult. Cool.One other thing I forgot is my good friend Nate and I are running a webinar. Um, we're covering two topics that we get requested a lot. The webinar is on February 10th. Here's the link. The webinar is about what happens when an abusive family, when abusive parent passes away and there's no closure. I'll be covering that topic and Nate is gonna be covering what happens when we have to do elder care, when we have to kind of like.Help in a, a toxic parent get set up in a nursing home, or they need new, they need things and there's no one else to kind of do it, or we're faced with that. These are two very, very hard topics and we are offering a webinar. I think it, it is at, um, it's on February, Saturday, February 10th. Um, you can get all the information in that link there and there'll be, uh, at the end of it, you get videos.There is a worksheet for each issue, slides. There's also a q and a after. Um, if it's of interest to you, if it'll be helpful to you, we'd love to see you there. And yes, I think that's about it. I kind of, I'm out of steam. Thank you so much for your super, thanks for your donations. Really helps us to channel.Um, I would love to do more of these and I did you guys like that? We kind of kept it to a topic as opposed to like a wide open forum. What are people feeling about that?B, you're asking when is the Q and a? Are you talking about the membership q and a or the uh, the um, the ones that we're doing on YouTube? I do these really once in a while, but in my membership, which is currently closed to new members, it's gonna be opening in a couple weeks. The live Q and as are on Wednesdays.And it rotates. Sometimes it's on a, uh, Wednesday at 1:00 PM and then two weeks later it's on a Wednesday at 7:00 PM Thank you so much for joining me. Thank you so much vandal for that. Really appreciate everyone who donated to the channel and for those who just showed up. Really appreciate you and I think I'm gonna sign off.I think I'm gonna go play some video games or play my drums or something. Um, appreciate you all. Love seeing you. Have a wonderful night. Thank you for your questions and I will see you next time. Bye bye.
