Sometimes the clinical diagnosis is 'asshole'

Sometimes the clinical diagnosis is simply: being an asshole.

We often spend a lot of time self-diagnosing, or trying to figure out why a family member or ex is so abusive.

Are they? (Insert any DSM criteria you've been looking at, trying to match or confirm.)

Then what? What might we do now as we take a deeper dive into their behaviors and match that up with specific details?

Something to consider: figuring out why someone might be abusive doesn't keep us safe, and it doesn't change things. The change is up to the abusive person, and usually, it isn't looking good.

As childhood trauma survivors, our inner child struggles with the reality that someone is bad for us. This is part of codependency: as small children, we rooted for abusive or unprotective parents. We had hope, and that hope can still keep us stuck today.

If we know someone struggles with a mental health issue, we may feel more compassion, and sometimes that compassion means we keep subjecting ourselves to abuse.

The biggest piece about this, which informs us about work we need to do within ourselves, is this: sometimes we feel like we need to collect data and determine a diagnosis in the abuser because we don't feel like we'll be believed without facts. Also, due to self-worth and sense of self, we feel like we can only be in the clear morally by building a solid case (like in court) that the person is unsafe, to convince ourselves we're right.

Adults who grew up without any choice, power, or support feel like they have to prove what is happening to them to others. We don't actually. You can know what you know about an asshole and how they make you feel without second guessing. You have that choice now.

Our inner child needs help reclaiming this truth: not everyone is for us. Some people don't deserve a second chance, or even a first one.

What matters most is your peace, safety, and dignity.

And to be clear: this isn't about shunning everyone with mental health issues or reinforcing stigma. It's about deciding who isn't safe for you, without feeling guilty and without needing evidence.

It's about no longer allowing people to be assholes to us, and not getting caught up in why they are abusive.

I hope this idea is helpful to you.

Patrick