Often when I meet a client for the first time,
and I start to get their childhood history,
they have a tendency to talk about one parent more than the other.
The parent that they do talk about
tends to be a very loud, toxic person,
and the parent that they tend to not talk about so much,
is the person who was married to that very loud, toxic person.
This isn't true for all of you, meaning that some clients get to me
and they know upfront that both of their parents were highly toxic,
highly abusive or highly mentally ill,
or highly trauma survivors themselves, and really abusive.
But many people just tend to talk about
the abuse coming from one parent.
In the back of my mind, I'm thinking about,
well what about that other parent?
Did they step in? Did they know about stuff?
What kind of parent were they?
And this video is going to be about really exploring that other parent.
It's important to remember that when children are growing up,
they can't tolerate the knowledge
that both of their parents are highly abusive.
So kids tend to idealize one of their parents, and bond with them,
just because that they're not as mean,
or they're not as kind of out there.
And this idealization can sort of lead to
something called the 'more safer parent'.
I might ask a group of new people to me, or a new client to me,
like, was one of one of your parents more safer than the other.
And oftentimes people will say one of them was,
but they're not really able to say
in the ways that that parent was narcissistic as well.
So in this video, we're going to be looking at that.
So it's important to remember that when there's a toxic parent,
that, the family tends to do
a lot of maneuvering around that toxic parent.
And it is that co-parent, that does the modeling
of how to maneuver around them.
So what's toxic about it, is that only one person's feelings come first,
and that is the highly abusive parent.
It's also important to remember that,
we tend to forget that this 'coper' parent, the idealized one,
the safer one, whatever you want to call it, is, we tend to not see
that that parent had a lot of power, but chose not to use it.
And that power means they maybe should have gotten a divorce.
They maybe should have really stepped in and protected their kids,
but didn't, they should have really sort of taken a look
at what was really going on, but had their head in the sand about it.
So we're going to be looking at that as well.
Also to look at that, when kids are growing up and we tend to think
about the more loud, toxic parent as the one causing the damage,
the one parent who doesn't really step in,
they cause just as much damage within it,
and just as much conditioning, and you'll see what I mean.
So we're going to walk through ten points,
to really explore this other parent.
And I want you guys to pay attention to narcissism,
and we tend not to think about this co- person,
as having narcissistic qualities, but they do,
they just do it in a much more kind of covert way.
And you'll see what I mean from the signs.
So here we go.
This type of parent is pretty self consumed.
So when the toxic parent is abusing the kids,
this parent is either MIA,
or they're oblivious to the abuse,
or they don't want to get the wrath
of their toxic spouse, and they don't step in.
Even in later years,
this type of parent is completely removed-
If you're dating someone that's not good for you,
they have no idea about it, no opinion on it,
and they don't do anything about it.
This means that this type of parent
should probably divorce the toxic parent,
but they just don't.
They can either have an attitude of
kill the toxic parent with kindness,
and they're just trying to be seen
as a worthwhile spouse to this toxic parent,
which is really bad modeling for their children,
or they are engaged in
some awful kind of power struggle,
with the toxic parent,
of trying to get them, essentially to not be toxic.
Why this is bad for the children,
is that what is modeled,
is that you're modeled
to stay in a really bad relationship,
and make yourself selfless in some way,
or engage in
a really nasty power struggle.
What this means is,
the toxic marriage is so dysfunctional,
that the children, let's say the oldest,
starts taking care of the younger kids,
because mom and dad
are just consumed with each other.
Or that this type of parent,
who has a toxic spouse,
doesn't recognize that their children,
have needs, as children.
And these children just bring themselves up.
Often throughout the course of these signs,
is you'll see a parent who
is really not engaged with their kids.
Again, this type of parent
who is married to a toxic parent,
or even if there was a divorce,
that this type of parent
really has poor relationship skills,
and they'll often get
involved with other toxic people,
romantically or otherwise.
And they can really chase that person,
and be neglectful of their children,
to the point that the children
don't even know if they exist or not.
Here is where some sneaky
covert narcissism comes in.
The parent who is codependent,
who sort of enjoys sympathy,
or applause for putting up
with someone who's more toxic.
Well, that is really being wrapped up
in their own image,
and it's not coming from an authentic place.
This is not good for children to see,
because it's modeling that
the toxic person comes first,
and it's much better to
be the person who puts up with that,
as opposed to someone
who teaches authentic
empowerment and boundaries.
It's also modeling that,
toxic people are to be endured,
when they should be modeled
you get away from toxic people.
This is the classic parent who says:
'Don't make mom mad!'
'Don't make dad mad!'
'Just be like me.'
'Just do what I do.'
And that is teaching children
again to more endure
and deal with a toxic parent,
as opposed to really setting
a hard and fast limit,
getting out of there
and setting empowering boundaries.
Where oftentimes, this type of parent,
can bond with their children,
over putting up with somebody,
and doing those
'just do what I do' type tactics,
and children who experience
that in childhood,
grow up in adulthood,
and become codependent themselves.
This leaves the child
having a certain sense of longing
for an authentic connection,
with this type of parent.
And they can say things
throughout their life that's like:
'Oh, I can't make it.'
'I'd love to see you, but I just can't.'
Or if there's a divorce,
this person is sort of so engaged
with their new family,
that they don't really put the attention
and care into their first children.
This one is a little bit tricky,
and it goes even beyond that,
in a way that the limited ability to love,
can be where...
I had a client who went to their mother,
after all these years and said:
'You know, mom, my marriage is breaking up',
and the first reaction from the mother
was something like,
'well, why didn't you tell me?'
'Why didn't I know about this?'
Which was a really odd response,
to sort of having a child,
who's going through this devastating thing,
and that's an example of their limited ability,
that they're kind of there,
but they're there from a very distant place.
It's an odd experience.
This can look like:
'Wait till your father gets home!'
Kind of betrayal,
where the person doesn't really
know that they have the ability
to do some parenting and discipline,
or process those feelings themselves.
And they always default
to the toxic parent.
And oftentimes this betrayal
can often look like the child going:
'I need help with the toxic parent.'
And then this type of parent,
goes straight to the toxic parent,
and discloses it all there,
and it becomes a big mess.
Or that some big stuff comes up
in the person's life,
and then this person gossips,
with all the siblings, aunts, and uncles.
And that your business,
is not kept confidential
with this type of parent.
This is not a normal adult-child relationship.
Oftentimes you can wonder,
are you their child,
or are you their confidante?
Are you their child
or are you their rescuer?
Are you their child
or are you their surrogate spouse?
Are you their child versus
being the cheerleader for them?
Or are you their child versus
their fellow survivor?
Meaning they can bond with you
about how terrible life is
or how bad the world is,
as opposed to really helping you
survive and thrive in it.
You can see the narcissism come through
in this type of dynamic,
because the parent looks to the child,
to be the resource for them,
as opposed to it being the other way around,
which would be healthy.
Where the child looks to the adult,
as the emotional resource.
What this means is that the
relationship with this parent is confusing,
in the way that, they can seem like
they are invested in you,
but it's always left with
something a little bit empty.
An example, that there can be a lot of gifts,
without sincere connection with you about the gift.
There can be huge statements of love for you,
without really knowing who you are,
or what's going on with you.
There can be a lot of empty promises,
and this type of parent
can engage in missing
huge parts of your life.
What I mean by that:
if there's a divorce,
or something's going on,
is, this type of parent
can be really removed from you,
but puts a lot of energy
into seeming like they're there.
So if any of these ten examples jumped out at you,
maybe do some reflection upon what it really means.
If many of these things apply to you,
and if you spent some time really protecting
that parent who really wasn't there for you,
take your time with this.
This is sort of a painful process, and it is a process.
But what good can come of it,
is you might have an answer about
where your codependency comes from.
You might have an answer about
if you're drawn to tragic people,
that's really where that may come from,
and especially if you find yourself getting triggered.
This is the most important thing.
If you find yourself getting triggered to friends and partners,
about really not being there for you, this parent might be where
all of that sort of triggered energy kind of comes from.
Someone who is growing up in a system like this,
where one parent is toxic, and the other one is kind of MIA.
They can really be sensitive when people don't show up to them.
And that's where most of that energy goes to.
So that's the whole point to this awareness piece,
about doing some sort of looking at our childhoods deeper,
is to find out in our present lives, how do we get triggered?
And how do we maybe react to people, places and things?
And where does this stuff come from?
The parent who is sort of half there and not there fully,
is a huge, huge component to that stuff.
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