So I've noticed a certain profile, like a psychological profile
of a person in my own therapy work and my own personal life.
And this person that I'm going to be discussing in this video
is very adverse to the emotions of other people,
and they tend to have a very strong reaction, and they tend to even
get angry, when others try to connect with them, or when others
try to seek validation from them. This type of person
can be your moms or dads, boyfriends, girlfriends, it doesn't really matter
But we notice, what I notice, is that there is a specific marked defense
that is tricky to kind of see through.
And that's what this video is about, because this marked
defense that this person has, they tend to come across as
kind of having it together, or having some answers.
And if we're struggling with our own empowerment and our own shame,
this can feel really damaging to get shot down by this person.
But what the video is going to be about, about what I notice is we
tend to think about this person as having it together,
but I think they're actually triggered at baseline in a way that
they're so averse to emotions, that I think that they probably
that to me, they look like they have some kind kind of trauma history.
It's just not as clear
or as blatantly loud as the trauma histories of other people.
Here's what I mean, when we go to try to seek validation
or care from them, or try to share our trauma with them.
If we make the mistake of doing that,
this type of person reacts with: 'Oh but that was so many years ago!,
You got to get over it', or 'lots of human beings get abuse-
It's called being a human being'.
'You don't see me wallowing in this stuff'.
They tend to have a very strong marked judgment when other
people try to connect with them emotionally.
When you're on the receiving end of that, most likely from
your trauma, you may be most likely struggling with your
own shame of your childhood trauma or otherwise, and you're
already struggling with your own truth and empowerment about it.
So going to a person like this tends to be pretty damaging or dangerous
when it comes to feeling connected and feeling sort of safe.
Some qualities about this person that I find tend to sort of line up
with the type of and I don't mean to keep saying this type of person,
I just mean, I would just want to say this type of trauma survivor.
The qualities that this type of trauma survivor has is they
tend to be highly reactive to the emotions of others, specifically,
if they perceive that the other person is going into victimization.
I find they have a marked response to that.
Another quality is, is they on the surface, they seem like they
have it together about their emotions.
When the reality is they're almost anti-emotion, they deal
with their feelings from a place of very much repressed,
keep a good face going on, and don't sort of talk about it
and definitely don't talk about it with them.
And there's sort of a toughness about it.
And the other quality, is in relationships, they have a marked
attitude of like, you should be like me and put this stuff away.
So that's some qualities that the person sort of has.
Now let's get into what might be some of the reasons why
this person struggles with this stuff.
And by struggle is like, I find that this person, their relationships
may not be very emotionally rich.
They may be in a partnership, or they may be in a family
life that is sort of around sort of a toughness, is what I find,
or it's not a very touchy feely kind of emotional standpoint.
And where I think where this family system about this person
comes from, is that this person may have grown up in sort of
a very tough environment, if not a toxic masculine environment.
But here's the thing that I really find is a potential cause,
and this is what's tricky about this stuff.
This person would be the authority on it, but you really
can't get...they're not really interested in therapy.
They're not really interested in talking about their childhood.
But from what I see, is I wonder is if this person grew up with
somebody who was overly emotional, who was sort of played
a little bit of a victimization or the victim card,
and they have a strong reaction to that.
Let's just say that this person grew up with a very emotional
alcoholic who would try to get them, as a child to get them
to validate their feelings and sort of take them hostage,
or that they grew up with a narcissist or someone who was
very sort of struggles with a personality disorder and sort
of took this person hostage in a way;
That classic thing about the classic trauma thing about the
parents requiring their children to provide emotional support.
So that's one theory that I have going on that the person
who exhibits this strong defense, is I think that they're
triggered, and I think that the person seeking emotional
connection or validation from them, this type of person projects
their original family system onto them.
That's just my theory.
That's just sort of what I see, or how my brain works
around the childhood trauma stuff.
And hopefully it'll give you guys some insight about why
they and this is for your insight in a way, I think that
this person that I'm describing is a very difficult person
to be in a relationship with because getting them to feel
their emotions is- it's the last thing that they want to do,
and it's the last thing they want to do is be available to your emotions.
One other potential sort of theory about where I have this
person thinking about what might have happened to them growing
up is if they grow up in a family that is extremely anti-emotional, or that
they just don't talk about emotions, they don't process emotions.
They look like someone being emotional is like: Ooop! they've lost their control!, they're not a good person anymore.
And there's plenty of toxic family systems that are like that,
or simply that this person had no prior parenting about their own
emotions and that the family was really limited emotionally.
This person's a really tricky person to be in a relationship,
especially when you're trying to seek connection
or when you're seeking validation.
They tend to get mad at you, when you are exhibiting your feelings,
and they will just sort of have this very superior
coaching kind of a thing- 'just be like me'.
But, what I wanted to express to you guys as a point to the video,
is that we often feel shame about our own triggers
or trying to seek connection like that.
But we really need to start seeing other people as having their own triggers,
and it's not just us in that, because when you are on the
receiving end of someone who sort of says to you: 'that was
so many years ago, you got to get over it'.
'You don't see me like connecting with you about your trauma', or
you know like as if they're playing rules and stuff like that,
like special rules, is I find that when you're on the receiving end of
that and you're struggling with your own shame and your own
empowerment, you will feel shot down.
You will feel like maybe this person is correct and they
have it more together, when they don't.
They may be just as triggered as you are.
And the other side of it sort of like the thinking about
another perspective to think about is, what is so dangerous for this
person about your emotions?
What is so this person has a marked thing that they have going on,
that they perceive, they have a hot button issue to perceived weakness
That when you come to them,
if you want to talk to them about pain or trauma or something
like that, they view you as weak and they have a zero tolerance
policy for weakness.
I know that that sounds like they may be a narcissist,
but they may not be a narcissist.
They may be sort of a childhood trauma survivor themselves,
but having no clue about it. Don't coach them about it
because this person tends to, they think therapy is for weak people.
So try not to get confused, about if you get shot down by this person is,
what is so dangerous about other people's emotions?
Is, what is so dangerous about opening our hearts
to someone and being present for them?
What is so dangerous to this person about having someone
who is in emotional distress?
I hope that video was helpful to you guys.
Just a thought, just something that I wanted to sort of put together.
I will see you guys next time.
I hope you enjoyed the video.
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and I will see you next time. Take care!
