hey everyone welcome back to the channel I wanted to do a video today about relational blind spots as they relate to our childhood trauma. These blind spots come up in all kinds of relationships—romantic partnerships, friendships, family, even relationships with co-workers.
What do I mean by a relational blind spot? Simply meaning that the way that we relate to people when we grow up in abuse and childhood trauma is that we grow up into adults who struggle with having some tunnel vision in the way that we perceive ourselves and the way that we perceive others—we don't see the whole picture.
The most common one that I think of for trauma survivors, and I'm sure you guys will relate to this, is simply choosing bad partners simply because they express interest in us. It's almost like the concept of love bombing. The tunnel vision is about not seeing the whole picture or who the whole person is, because our inner child is desperate to be accepted or desperate to be in a relationship. Those inner child issues overdrive our built-in self-protection radar that got damaged in childhood, so we can't really use that radar to determine whether somebody is healthy for us or not. We've got to get that radar back online.
This video is going to be a component of that. If you struggle with that stuff, you can check out a video I did about dating while being raised in childhood trauma—you can find it linked above. I'll also be getting into the very specific issue of choosing bad people later in this video.
We also have other types of different blind spots I'll be covering as well—there are three of them in this video.
Three Relationship Blind Spots... I'm going to talk about three types of relational blind spots that childhood trauma survivors have. I see this a lot in my practice and in my own recovery. For each blind spot, I'll cover:
What the blind spot looks like
Why it's not good for you
Why you struggle with it (family history)
How to work on it
TRBS - #1 Not Seeing Toxicity in Others The first blind spot is not fully recognizing toxicity in others. This isn't just romantic—it can be bosses, friends, co-workers, even family. Before my trauma work, I was often the last person to know a co-worker was sketchy or abusive, or the last to know in my friend circle that someone was acting out.
What this looks like: you're dating someone and five months in—or even a year in—you discover they have a sex addiction, or massive secrets. Or you have a difficult boss and struggle to know where the line is. Or you have a moody, critical friend and feel guilty about being mad at them, so you stay in a one-way relationship.
Why it's not good for you: you constantly second-guess yourself, which keeps you small, stuck, and triggered. Being used to toxicity feels normal. It's bad for your body and mind to stay in that constant activated state.
Why you struggle with it: you may have grown up with moody, volatile, or reactive parents. Maybe you never had safe adults to give you a frame of reference. You might have been taught to put your feelings away and put others first. Attachment wounds may pull you toward unavailable or difficult partners.
How to work on it: try an exercise I call the "Missing Red Flag Inventory." Make a list of difficult or toxic people from your past. In one column, write their toxic behavior. In another, what you wanted from them. Then connect that to what was missing in your childhood. Finally, list the red flags you missed at the start. This shows patterns and helps you understand how your inner child leads you into tunnel vision.
TRBS - #2 Being Too Hard or Not Hard Enough The second blind spot is being too hard—or not hard enough—on others. Some survivors go into "lawyer mode," building cases and being self-righteous. Others lose their voice, shut down, and don't assert themselves. Many people are a combination depending on the situation.
Why it's not good: when we're too hard on others, our message gets lost in tone and self-righteousness. When we're not hard enough, we enable and lose our self-respect. Both are ways inner children control intimacy—either by being superior and distant, or by giving all power away.
Why you struggle with it: if you're too hard on others, you may have grown up with immature or neglectful parents and learned to be angry at weakness. If you're not hard enough, you may have had a dominating or shaming parent and were never allowed to be upset. Both styles are trauma reactions.
How to work on it: after the trigger dies down, ask yourself: Did all that energy belong to my partner/friend, or did some of it belong to my parents? What was I really upset about? How is this similar to my childhood? How do I feel about myself when I react that way? For those who shut down, ask: What's my fear about speaking up? Is it true? What happened when I used my voice as a child?
TRBS - #3 Not Seeing that Others Are Triggered Too The third blind spot is not seeing that others are triggered too. Trauma survivors often assume we're the only messed-up one in the room. We might go to a moody friend and leave feeling ashamed, missing that they were actually triggered. Or deal with an inconsistent boss and assume it's our fault. Or talk to a sibling who half-defends a toxic parent and end up feeling abandoned.
Why it's not good: believing it's always you confirms your inner child's worst fears and keeps you stuck in shame.
Why you struggle with it: chances are you were the only one in your family questioning the system. You may have grown up with gaslighting or passive-aggressive parents where words never matched actions. You were told you were "too sensitive." This conditioned you to think you're always the problem.
How to work on it: reflect on triggers in others. Notice lawyer mode, shutting down, contempt, or over-the-top positivity. Ask yourself: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind? Were they being "extra"? Recognizing others' triggers helps you stop assuming it's always you.
Final Thoughts In this video, I gave three relational blind spots. If you have others, share them in the comments—I love the sense of community here. Up next is a video about triggers around giving validation (as opposed to receiving it).
