5 Things To Know When You're Triggered - Childhood Trauma

Five essential things to understand when you're triggered by childhood trauma.

By Patrick Teahan

Intro

for the most part i'm really not a morning person but my wife is and if you picture like a funny meme about a couple like one person is grumpy cat which is me essentially and the other one wants to explain to you in highly specific detail about a character that they love in a book that they're reading with excitement and it's like 6 30 a.m and they've been up for like 45 minutes and they've been they're like doing cartwheels in front of you um and after many bumps in our marriage about this you know we've lovingly figured out to just accept each other that we're different people and now we totally meet each other halfway over many many bumps about this morning trigger i'm more available to her and she gives me more space and it's very cool and it's very loving but it took us a lot of work to get us there but last week this morning issue bump happened again between us and my wife asked me something about like logistics around paying a bill that and i had just sat down with a cup of coffee in hand and this was minor it wasn't over the top but knowing her very well there was some like masked fearful energy coming from her about the bill which wasn't really rooted in the present and it was just kind of coming from her trauma and but i felt a little surge of trigger energy kind of well up in me knowing this about myself and learning that i value her and respect her and love her even when i'm triggered um in that moment i just asked her if she could ask me about stuff like that in a different way and she totally got what i was saying and we moved on but we both kind of knew silently what happened there and we both you know also kind of felt a bit of disconnection from the bump about the bill and my mentor taught me to use the word bump because it's more workable language and non-fault as opposed to saying something like she pissed me off or she really triggered me or we had a huge fight it's just a bump and that's really what all that they are you can you can work with a bump but calling it a huge fight or saying like you've wrecked my day this morning and is kind of shaming and blaming the person and i know it's often complicated but as trauma survivors we tend to take things to a very big place including using our language so that frustrating charge in my body was an old familiar narrative that sounds like wtf like i'm barely awake like doesn't she know i worked all day yesterday and if you're so concerned about it why don't you ask the person and blah blah blah blah blah you know it's nice to get to a place where you're even sick of your own trauma narratives about people places and things that narrative in charge in me still wanted to take root um doesn't she know how hard i work and you know i i handle all that stuff and what's the big deal and this is a self-righteousness that is a top tier sign that you're triggered back to your family system in some way where like 90 of our trauma responses are rooted in not being seen i think that's a lot where self-righteousness or shutting down comes from not wanting my inner child to run amok with that specific narrative and definitely not wanting to spend hours or the rest of the day and some kind of angry negative energy that takes me out of the present and it distracts me from being chill or distracts me from my work i got off off the couch found my wife who was now doing something else and i just kind of gave her a hug and connected with her and we were both already done with this micro bump trauma is really about being disconnected and healing comes from being connected to ourselves or connected to safe people or both we've done a lot of couples work we've done a lot of we've even done a couple's group work we did we've done a lot of intimate conflict work with each other outside of the therapy room and we actually struggled for a really really long time but um what we now love about our marriage is that we now have like 10 minute bumps instead of ones that last for hours or weeks or months on a like a simmering down low of just stuff so what i'm interested in is even after all these years of work and recovery that my body still kind of wants to go there from time to time now it's like really once in a blue moon but you can be pretty healed and still get triggered from time to time and it's interesting to me that it was still that narrative is still a little bit there so but i'm eternally grateful for what i've learned about managing and extinguishing triggers and upset when i was sitting there and feeling the charge with that cup of coffee in my hand and that narrative of saying she doesn't see me and she made things about her doesn't trust me blah blah blah i'm aware of all that like watching my reaction instead of being all that reaction there's a big difference i can even find humor and all that bs in my head and my favorite favorite thing is that even my inner child now prefers love and being connected with her instead of being self-protective or pissed off or defensive and i think what made it successful is that we both worked on our trauma and it wasn't just one of us trying to drag the other into doing work on the relationship so and i'm here i'm giving you guys um a relationship trigger but i know that your triggers can come from anything you know there's a million ways to sunday that we can be triggered bosses driving money kids engaging with our own family you know being out in public people in public um you name it so in this video i'm going to walk through five things to know when we're triggered and i'm going to be referring back to my trigger with my wife on the couch throughout the course to spell out what i mean if you're new

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About Being Triggered about being triggered when we are triggered we usually become the trigger we become the triggered energy we get overwhelmed by the narrative things like they hate me um why don't you have your stuff together you're not aware of me everyone knows i'm awful these all have vibes that are in line with trauma core beliefs or or what is known as core beliefs in cbt some triggering things you crack a joke on a zoom call that bombs you get triggered your partner gets moody triggers you your boss coldly ask you about your work this trigger you get feedback of something that feels unfair or is unfair trigger trigger trigger so and there's usually a surge in the body and some of us go to a shutdown place with a big bummer like jump kind of feeling and some of us go to an angry or reactive place with a spark with like a like a lightning spark feeling um but the thing that is golden is what the narrative is in our head because that is a clue because it's also going to be the childhood trauma narrative and you'll see what i mean later then what sucks is the trigger usually takes over and then we're in it until it runs its course if we don't have the tools to get out of it or self-regulate our body and our mind by doing some childhood trauma work or something else so that's what i'm trying to provide with this video so let's look at an infographic that shows what it means to be triggered in the triggering process this is about sort of the physiology of getting triggered the brain on the right is the triggered brain and the brain on the left is the chill focus brain you can think about it's non-triggered on the left triggered on the right so here's the pattern like the boss thing the partner thing the job thing the family thing triggers you you become adrenalized while um probably already being a bit adrenalized even at baseline because of childhood trauma and the adrenal the adrenaline chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine they tend to activate the body into fight flight freeze submit or cry for help and that happens all in a nanosecond so when my wife asked me about the bill i was just kind of confused and then then the triggering process just started right from there and i just listed five of those responses not the traditional fight flight freeze the one that i listed as submit is also known as fawning the big part here is that when the limbic system on the right in aqua gets activated in a trigger we lose the activity of the frontal lobes in the cerebral cortex which is in purple on the left the chill brain the prefrontal lobes allows us to think and feel at the same time it goes offline and we lose our decision-making we lose our chosen words our chosen expression and our ability to be chilled and focused and kind of grounded and on our feet trauma survivors usually have a hyperactive limbic system the four major parts of that system are the amygdala the hippocampus hypothalamus and thalamus the limbic system involves processing emotions and memory and behaviors that are usually involving survival it's the part of us that alerts when a baby cries and or when we're about to be chased down by a lion it's a it's a biological good thing the limbic system but with childhood trauma it's way too activated and it's way too large and in charge one of those four major parts of the limbic system the amygdala is like our emotional memory file cabinet the moody partner or the cold boss in the present triggers that file to be pulled in a nanosecond but the file is really compiled on the moody or the critical or abusive depressed or tragic parent or abuse abuse of caregivers the amygdala ties the emotional meaning to threats and memories and it also senses and looks for potential threats and it's usually kind of keyed up like it's on 11 on a scale of 1 to 10 for childhood trauma survivors and you can think about it as like an overactive smoke detector that remembers childhood abuse and looks to confirm that it's happening again to keep itself safe and we have these usual very limited programmed habitual reactions when we get triggered the amygdala doesn't care or discern or separate the moody partner or the boss from the abusive parents but our prefrontal lobes can separate but again those are kind of offline when we're triggered and which we're also trying to get our prefrontal lobes or our inner adult more in shape we react in very similar ways i often say that the prefrontal lobes is where our inner loving adult resides and the limbic system is where our wounded and reactive inner child resides the classic scenario that i give um is like say you're having a tricky conversation with a boss or a partner you get triggered and you lose your words because you've become activated to a survival state without wanting to or without meaning to um you leave the conversation with the boss or the partner defeated or reactive um and there's a whole bunch of messy disorganized thoughts and emotions kind of racing kind of really doomish and gloomish you guys know what it means to be triggered if you're watching this video but then like later that day or a couple days later when your body which tends to stay in limbic system activation starts to chill out and you have this thought pop up into your brain that says why didn't i say that why didn't i just tell them that i can't take on that project because i don't have access it's like you're reflecting on the conversation and then an answer comes to you this is your frontal lobes coming back online and it's kind of wild i i think it only comes back online when the adrenaline when those chemicals start to subside or drain and the limbic system starts to chill out and deactivate but wouldn't it be cool if we didn't have to wait for the adrenaline to subside after hours or even days to get back into our non-triggered state let's get into some ideas about how that might be possible so here here are some things to know to be aware of to be mindful when you're triggered it's possible to be more aware of your trigger instead of drowning in the trigger and the part of our brain that is aware is the prefrontal lobes which is also part that allows for some control some better communication when triggers pop up being mindful and thinking and noticing and noticing is earnestly trying to keep your prefrontal lobes online and not have the limbic system or aka the inner child fully take over into that childhood trauma narrative so when i'm in a session with clients it's helpful for them to have a safe person almost doing the work of the prefrontal lobes for them until they can do that from ourselves which is actually a lot like just sort of parenting and that's what was done for me when i was in in treatment for childhood trauma

1: Think of how it's typically going to go so let's get into the list here's number one think of how it's typically gonna go this is where you notice the trigger energy and sort of say okay i'm gonna probably start to shut down i'm probably going to avoid my boss's email i'm going to get another email late in the day that will trigger me even more i'll write a freaked out apologetic over-the-top email back to them and then i'll go into a shame spiral after sending it and i'm not i don't want to do that today i really don't want to go through all of that rigmarole that i will put myself through and you can actually have a sense of humor or kind of chagrin about knowing yourself and knowing how it's going to go almost like you're like making fun of the triggered energy if that's appropriate if you're if you're in like physical danger that's different and not that's not the time to think about how entertaining your trigger is and this concept is easier said than done sitting on the couch that morning and feeling that charge and that narrative come on i could see where it was going to go and i didn't want to have it take over or take over my day or have me be at my worst and thinking that way actually gave me a greater possibility of getting out of the self-righteousness and getting out of all that energy and again this is after a lot of work that i've done on myself and sometimes it's not possible to shut off that kind of energy depending on the trigger at first but you do have to try you do have to give that a shot so that's that that's that one number two is um and this one's kind of funny

2: You don't have to respond or react if you're wired for that you don't have to respond or react if you're wired to do so i often see trauma survivors as though who either become angry and reactive or those who kind of shut down and kind of go into a turtle shell um and we can even be combinations of both if you're wired like i was to react to send a flipping text to become a bit passive-aggressive to sending a text that's like a novel um overly explaining yourself or going to what i call lawyer mode where you start integ interrogating the person or building a case like it's like oh really oh really tammy like i'm done i'm done with you what what about the time you said you couldn't take my shift because you had jury duty and that was a lie and then i heard from bill from i.t that he you know on and on and on you're sending chapters and chapters of like you know i'm done you know and then what happens after that is you probably like read it again hours later and you're like oh my god like there's a cycle to these reactions so this also applies to things like becoming overly apologetic or people-pleasing or sending an immediate like gift to try to make good on minor grievances that only exist in your head those are all examples about you're overly reactive um and the trigger kind of takes you over in that way so being mindful of those tendencies um like that they actually make the trigger worse sending that novel or text to someone and then either getting more pissed or going into a shame hole is what keeps the limbic system adrenalized and it's not good for you it's not good for anybody um develop like this almost like it was a game like picture like you you come up with a doomsday scenario where you start to practice not responding to anyone when you're triggered for like an hour or like 30 minutes when you're especially wired to do so that control and trying and being mindful is what it means to keep the prefrontal lobes online that's the function of the pre-frontal lobes is like restraint of pen and tongue this is hard to do but you can do it it will feel like a tight rope walk because you're going to be so pill pulled to be like you know or pulled out of to shame to really try to make good on something so that's what i mean by that one number three um you

3: You can take action and respond if you're wired not to can you can take action and respond this is for the opposite folks if you're wired to go into a turtle shell or shut down or avoid or go underground the opposite of number two is true so responding to that email to the boss even if it's like i don't know right now i will get back to you or simply letting your partner or your friend know that something is happening something's coming up for you and you'll get back to them in the conversation that is sort of good communication and letting them know a function of the prefrontal lobes stopping what you're doing and writing down how it's going like i mentioned in the first exercise is also something you can do here it's an action thing you can take some grounding methods like holding an ice cube in your hand or splashing some cold water on your face to simulate the vagus nerve screaming into a pillow or hitting a pillow while fighting the urge to shut down also action-oriented things that one's really helpful especially when you direct the tendency to shut down to the childhood trauma perpetrator and imagining a conversation with like say an abusive parent like you're hitting this pillow and you're like you know dad you set me up to shut down around irritated people and i lose my voice i'm not doing anymore that anymore i hate that you did that to me and i hate doing that so that is sort of really takes the trigger in an expression of the prefrontal lobes while you're taking action and incorporating i always find that the more we incorporate our trauma story into our triggers gives us the greater capacity for getting out of the trigger it's not about the boss it's not about the partner who's moody that kind of a thing moving on to number four

4: Think of what the trigger takes you back to? is as always think about what the trigger takes you back to just like i said in that last example about being set up so my therapist taught me to slow down when i'm triggered and think of what the upset takes me back to and how it's familiar to my childhood sitting on the couch that morning i would be able to think using my prefrontal lobes about how my mother would essentially dump upset on me and do it in a way that was very gloom gloomy and doomy and anxious so she would often use me as an audience and be like what am i going to do about work what am i going to do about your father your sibling needs this but i don't know how i can make it happen and so when my wife years later is like have you heard about that bill my amygdala pulls the file and attaches it to the emotions around the trauma and as a side note i didn't have the power at the age of 10 to say to my mom you know mom you just can't unload on me like you just did there like you need to talk to me differently that's not something we would know how to do at that age but and a big butt here is my wife is safer or was safer for me to get big with when i was triggered um in the beginning of our marriage my stuff would come up and i would go to a really big angry place like you need to get your stuff together and all that self-righteous energy see how that's energy that should be reserved for my mother and not my wife that's what it means to be triggered and projecting and all that kind of stuff but what i mean by that it wasn't safe at the time for me to do that with my mom but we have a reserve of it and it usually comes out in our partners tends to come out on our partners around especially with our partners actually around projection um but it doesn't matter if we get big with our partner or if we actually shut down and give them all the power it's the same kind of pr like projection mechanism so think think think about what it takes you back to and if you get stuck you can check out my six unknown childhood trauma triggers video that might get some juices flowing to give you some ideas about what present triggers take you back to and the last one here number five is

5: Think of how you're safer now in the present think about how you're actually safer in the present the boss the partner the whatever thinking again engages the prefrontal lobes and we're kind of doing this teeter-totter between the prefrontal lobes and our limbic system who's gonna win um and we have much more of a chance to have the prefrontal lobes kind of take over or more chill and relax if we're able to kind of think about these things and as a side note is this is different than like paralysis analysis this is different than anxious thinking like scattered thinking this is really more like mindful meditative purposeful thinking so i wanted to make that clear this is separating past from present this is the thought process around that how is my partner different than my messy mother how is my boss different than say like my mopey covert father or whatever some ideas like how how is your partner a better person or a safer person how are they overall like not out to get you even though when the trigger it's almost like we're trying to get the amygdala this we're trying to shut off the smoke detector with these thoughts what do you like about your wife your job your partner even if you're pissed and not feeling safe and in a way i'm not sort of saying be codependent and just say oh it's okay there you're know blah blah blah but can you also be pissed off at them and maybe like something about them at the same time which is a function of the prefrontal lobes how is the relationship different with your boss than say compared to your father if that's what the trigger was about like you have you know you have the power to leave now or not take on what they think about you so seriously how are you different in this trigger you now have the agency and you can leave or speak up or decide to be single or get a new job and i know your situation might be super precarious but try to take the learning of this concept in here as opposed to feeling dismissed by me and dismissed by your situation which i get can be quite dire sitting on that couch i'm able to think about all the ways that my wife shows up to me shows up to the marriage is supportive of me is cool is aware and safe enough to own her own part and has a solid history of doing so and i do the same for her all of that sobers us up and keeps us in the prefrontal lobe the biggest gold nugget on separating past from present is you're not your parents they're most likely they most likely didn't care at all when they were triggered or even noticed their own emotional stuff um you also want to have healthier reactions and you're working towards that that's a big difference between past and present around triggers my old energy with my wife was really about what was taught to me in my family in my family if something went wrong it was somebody's fault and it was okay then to unload on them my parents also modeled that other people were responsible for your feelings and your triggers not you like my parents felt they had no part anyway in their own upset which is really victimization so some final

Final Thoughts thoughts these are really tricks that you can do to shorten the amount of time about being triggered and just enjoy trying to be more present and i think that in my heart they really really work if you give them a shot but i want to be clear though that these are really like a practice like practicing your scales if you're playing piano but they don't necessarily heal trauma that causes all the adrenaline and the memories and the mess and the defenses that pop up and kind of take us over working with a skilled childhood trauma person or therapist is always my main recommendation and i'm well aware that the resources to that are limited but i want to be clear on that as always i would love to know what you think i would love to hear if these actually work for you i would love to know if you have your own process of stepping out of deep seated triggers and up next you can check out a video that i did a while back about sort of more about what it means to be triggered and spelling out some signs and some ideas to help you

Outro get out of them and as always may you be filled with loving kindness may you be well may you be peaceful and at ease and may you be joyous i will see you next

Getting triggered in everyday life is not a failure of healing — it is information. In this video, Patrick Teahan, LICSW walks viewers through five things to know when a childhood trauma trigger surfaces in the present, using a real-life example from his own marriage to ground the teaching.

Patrick opens with a small morning 'bump' between himself and his wife about a bill, and uses it to illustrate how quickly an old narrative can try to take root: the self-righteous 'doesn't she know how hard I work' script that, for him, traces back to a childhood pattern of not feeling seen. He credits his mentor for the reframe of calling these moments 'bumps' rather than fights — workable, non-blaming language that prevents small disconnections from being dramatized into something shaming. From there, he names five things every trauma survivor should recognize in the triggered state, from spotting self-righteousness as a top-tier signal, to closing a bump cleanly before it steals the rest of the day.

The video is aimed at survivors who are already doing the work and want sharper in-the-moment skills for catching their reactions, protecting their relationships, and staying connected to the present rather than the old family story.

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Information provided is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.

If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255

5 Things To Know When You're Triggered - Childhood Trauma

This video is part of the following playlists...

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Want to go deeper?

Reparenting The Inner Child

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triggers

childhood trauma

inner child work

reactive

toxic parents

employment

frontal lobe

projection

conflict

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