So when I started my own trauma work in a group therapy for childhood abuse survivors, a year into the group, my very wise therapist, suggested that I do a family cut off. And it was suggested because I was stuck in this pattern with my family. I was doing well in therapy, and doing some significant work. But every time I would interact with my family in those years, I'd get sucked in and end up massively triggered to shame, that would just derail me emotionally. And the message from my family, was that I wasn't doing enough for my abusive alcoholic parent, and that I was selfish for focusing on myself. I was selfish that I didn't jump in and rescue my dysfunctional family, like, fast enough, that I was useless. In those years, I would often even be blamed for the drinking benders that my alcoholic parent would go on, like I caused those! And I often say, if there was ever a button that the toxic family pushes, it's the "you're selfish" button, it just wrecks us. And, you know, at the time, we might be able to intellectually see it as abuse and drama. But the feelings of guilt and shame and remorse, that come from the gaslighting are just too big. And it's because the family system has again, triggered us back to what they've been saying since childhood, is that it's our fault, and we're bad. So any progress in my therapy would be gone, every time I would interact with my family. And I tell clients that it's really hard, on one hand that we tell our inner child that boundaries or emotions or the truth matters, or that we value our autonomy and not being responsible for everyone else's situation, or emotions- we didn't cause this stuff. Sounds pretty good, right? But then, on the other hand when we get involved with family, and experience the same old mess, or crazy making or abuse or embarrassment.... that is usually followed by a very long emotional hangover, and questioning ourselves... again. So it's hard to have those two things going on. It makes healing really slow at best, or impossible at worse, and we can't heal in the environment where the abuse happened. The cut off that I did was the most painful thing that I've ever done in my life, and equally the most freeing, empowering, and healing thing I've ever done. And that cut off got me here, right in this moment, having the life that I want, and becoming who I am now.
And you'll know the level of toxicity in your family system, when you start talking about the abuse, the reactions and push back that follows, there are actually marked predictable ways, that the toxic family system tries to maintain its status quo, by shaming you. The system puts a lot of effort, if not all of its energy, into keeping things highly dysfunctional, to keep the system going. I know that that sounds odd, but it does this by enabling, enmeshment, and protecting perpetrators. There's a reason to this stuff, because if the system didn't do those things, they may have to look at themselves. There is usually a disdain for victims trying to talk about the truth about the family. There is usually attacks around setting boundaries, (if we set boundaries). There is usually a range of either vicious shaming, to quiet indifference, to abuse survivors talking about the abuse, or trying to step out of it. And this video is going to focus on the nameable ways a toxic family system will respond to you, when you either set boundaries or do cut offs, or simply talk about what happened. If we can name these abusive things, then we have so much more personal power, to see them for what they are, and not take the bait that comes in some form of weaponized shame. I haven't had a client yet, or myself for that matter, that didn't get massively ashamed, and second guess themselves, when the family responds with any of these. So let's look at some scenarios that you might be currently in, with your family. Everyone's situation is different, but you could be in any of the following places. You could be in an active cut off and struggling with push back, or attempts to draw you back in. You could have set boundaries that aren't being honored or understood. You could experience shame from extended family, about your truth, or your choices. You could be caught in a power struggle with a family member about your boundaries, like the family member saying: "Mom asked me to politely ask you if you'll come to Christmas, and dad will just stay in the basement the whole time." I know that that sounds crazy, but you'd be surprised. You could be in a position where you're on speaking terms with some members of the family, but not with others. You could have started to talk about the family abuse, having some have some massive realizations about it, and you're struggling with how your family has responded to those realizations.
Or lastly, you could be struggling with the loss of a family member, who has either sided with the abusers, or codependently doesn't take sides at all. And part of the family toxicity is codependency and not taking sides, because that's uncomfortable for them. Even if you're not separating yourself or establishing boundaries, I think that this video will help. I'm going to talk about six specific and predictable ways toxic families react to you doing your healing work or truth telling, or setting boundaries, and I hope that naming them can empower you to be able to see them for what they are. Instead of buying into the toxic tactic that's being used. Many of these will overlap, and you can definitely experience more than one. So let's dive in! Here's number one, what I call: So to start, this one is like the most common one. It's really that sort of like: "I can't believe you're doing this to mom!" Kind of stuff. 1: Make the Abusive Family Member the "Real Victim" So let's start with an example. For example, let's say a family member or members express something like: "I can't believe you won't have your own father at your wedding, when he has fed you and kept a roof over your head!" Say the father is an alcoholic with rage issues, who most likely and predictably will ruin the wedding, or act out in some way because he does so at every family event. Toxic family systems all have a tendency to pull towards something called: 'victim, rescuer and perpetrator', which is also known as the Karpman Drama Triangle. You're welcome to check out these two videos that I did that flesh out these two ideas. Knowing about that triangle, is very helpful in battling such accusations that are being weaponized. So that statement about the wedding, labels you as a persecutor, the father as the real 'victim', and the person saying it as the moralistic rescuer. The rescuer, is the person shaming you in this case. They could have also had the father ruined their wedding, but they are super loyal, and they have enabled that behavior. And now they use that enabling at your expense. It's like virtue signaling. It's like "I'm the better person" kind of stuff. So toxic families have a tendency to use faux morality, that's like: "I got over what dad did at my wedding, and you should too." It's toxic loyalty, disguised as codependency and fake morality, and drama really. The system pressures members to keep the status quo.
And by using that morality, which is just really a form of control, anything but talk about the factual disasters or the impact of having a drunk, ragey alcoholic, mother or father at these events. So this type of shaming can be done in the nuclear system, or in the extended family. And it's a very powerful way to shame someone, who is trying to tell the truth, or set boundaries, or leave. When you're on the receiving end of this, try to think about what is really going on, and name it for what it is. You'll know that this is going on when dysfunctional and abusive family members are protected and not held accountable, which is a vibe like...with a vibe like... you should rise up and be the 'better person', just like them. So toxic family systems need to protect the most toxic person, because they'd have to really look at their involvement, and really look at their own abuse. So they choose to scapegoat in order to avoid all that. This one is very directly weaponized, and it's an effective way to shame you, to be honest. So, moving on to number two, and please excuse.... I got some frogginess going on. I'm kind of wondering if I'm coming down with something. So number two is: This one has a vicious quality to it, that is either done overtly or covertly. This one can range from, say, 2: Gets Back At You - Retribution Aunt Betty stopping her annual Christmas card to you, to your parents cutting you out of their will. In this one, there's a very good reason if you feel anxious about setting boundaries, or doing a cut off, or simply telling the truth. You're anticipating retribution. because you might know on some level, that your family is capable of this, which is a sign. Retribution is wrapped up in punishment and power. It can really look like any of the following: - A sibling could stop talking to you. - Half safe people in the family have now changed their minds, and choose the toxic side. - You don't get invited to extended family events. - Grandma calls you to politely shame you about setting a boundary with mom. - You get the cold shoulder type behavior from other members of the family. - You get exiled from the entire system, but no one told you. - You get blacklisted, and I know that that sounds contradictory. I mean, you may have sort of done a cut off, but everyone's situation is different, and it's not always like a direct kind of cut off. So you can know this is going on, because it's really a marked difference in the usual.
It's really a deviation from the family relationships, after you either have talked about things or set boundaries. So it's coming from the family acting out from being 'hurt' by your actions, and there's an immense immaturity to it. There could even be like a backroom discussion, or vibe that the family is now officially 'done' with you, about all the touchy, feely stuff that you have going on, or the grudges that you hold, and that's how the toxic systems tend to describe abuse survivors, who are stuck with, sort of, the abuse. So catching this can be confusing, you know: 'Why did my grandmother just call me to say all that, like out of the blue?' Retribution from family is a very surreal experience, whether it's done in big ways or small ways. It tells you the family can be vicious when you don't stay in your lane, in the role that they gave you. The confusing part about it, is that the reality of the family has a pettiness to it, and has a toxic loyalty to the abusers, that you weren't really fully aware of until you tried to change or heal. So this one is highly abusive and shaming because it aims at trying to make you really feel terrible about yourself, or feel like garbage, and attempting to make you feel regret, for either telling the truth or setting the boundaries or whatever you did. So there's that one, that is called 'Retribution'. Moving on. Number three, is what I call: . This one is really wrapped up in gaslighting. For example, you need to cut yourself off from a highly abusive 3: Turns It All Around & Uses the Selfish Card mother or father or sibling. The family or family members turns the whole thing around to protect the abusive person with statements like "you don't get it." "She did all that because she deeply loves you, and she didn't want you to fail, like you always do!" or: "you always make it about you!" "You have to have the perfect wedding, and you don't want mum there. Pretty selfish if you ask me!" "You know it's pretty low, to not have your own aunt at your kids birthday party. She's just a level ONE sex offender, and that follows them everywhere, you know. They get that label forever, and you don't know what that's like." And again, you'd be surprised with these. So: "you should know what dad is like, and c'mon, he's the way he is because of his childhood and he does his best and you should be more grateful!" Or even: "Boohoo.
You didn't get a perfect family, and you need to stomp your feet because your brother hasn't paid you back. You know he is struggling with a drug addiction, and you could be a little more compassionate, you know!" Or even worse: "I actually think the family is pretty healthy. There's no such thing as a healthy family, and they all have problems. You always want some kind of unattainable Brady Bunch kind of thing!" See how all that sounds like, when we're triggered intensely to gaslighting, we are also vulnerable to shame being weaponized. The turnaround is really about shifting from reality about the family, to now attacking your character, and it's also attacking your perception, which I think really is the root of childhood trauma. The stuff that's like: "That didn't happen!" "You're just wrong or crazy or both." This one shames us by trying to make us feel or look petty or foolish, and it's highly effective to gaslight in this way, especially if you're vulnerable to it, and most trauma survivors are. A way to catch this is again to think of the Karpman Drama Triangle, and coming back to, your reality of why you set the boundary, or took the action in the first place. So moving on, number four, is what I call: 'Game playing'. Game playing is just as it sounds. It's a highly immature and manipulative approach in getting around the boundaries that you set, 4: Game Playing in telling the truth or doing cut offs or whatever. I've had clients who set a boundary around family gatherings, and the family respond with its own special rules. Like when the client doesn't want an abusive step parent at a gathering, the biological parent responds with saying, well, they don't want the client's partner there either now. So there's a tit for tat level of stuff going on there. I've had clients who set boundaries with their abusive parents, and their abusive parents respond by manipulating the grandchildren to try to get an ally with them at the client's expense. I've had clients whose family members do the same, by trying to covertly connect with the client spouse or partner, to badmouth their own child, and hopefully gain an ally in the spouse. You could think about game playing as a toxic family's way of navigating you- getting around you because you've now been so 'abusive' by setting boundaries or telling the truth about the abuse. And game playing is also portraying you as a 'loose cannon'.
This one's important and that they are now playing nice with you because they don't want to 'set you off'. This is gaslighting, and putting you into a role as being this 'unhinged monster'. So now they have to 'walk on eggshells around you' and feel victimized by you. It's a very crazy-making and common thing that a toxic family will do or toxic people do and a sure sign of their toxicity. I've had clients where the toxic parent even sent a Christmas card to the client's pet as an FU to a boundary that the client set or going no contact or something. Game playing is actually easier to spot or catch, I think, due to its pettiness. Game players never know they're being immature or really reactive. They usually think that you've forced their hand, and caused their behaviors, or actions. Kind of mind f****y. This one tries to shame you, by trying to assassinate your character, and I look at it like what 13 year olds might try to do with each other, to get back at each other, in those early middle school years. Very immature. Moving on, this is what I call...number five is what I call: 'Codependent agents'- that they can't deal with the family rupture. Try not to think about this one as like flying monkeys, although that can be kind of similar. 5: Codependent Agents Codependent agents are family members who can't handle the conflict or split. So they try to bridge between the trauma survivor, and the perpetrating family member. You might get some half validation or lip service from a codependent agent, but at the heart of it, they are using 'morality', to get you to give in to the abusive side. And they can even maybe say that the parent or the family member is toxic and abusive, but they still ask you to be the 'better person'. They may even try to invite you to, like, a barbecue, but not disclose that that family member is going to be there, the one you struggle with. So you have to ask, and then they try to get you to see... the codependent agent tries to get you to see their heroic efforts, or say that the split in the family has now gone on 'too long', and it's gone on 'long enough' and you kind of to need to 'get it together'. Let's say there's a family emergency, and that you're in the middle of a cut off with a family member, or the whole family. A codependent agent, say like that aunt or step-parent, might use that situation to point out that "family is everything" and "you need to get over it".
So, the person who is like this, can never really fully bring themselves to acknowledge the abuse, or see that the family member is toxic. It is their codependency to focus on, that runs this, because there is a part of them that knows the abuse was bad, but they sidestep it, for being unable to accept that the family is really as messed up, or worse, they believe that (this is truly the worst)... they believe that all the toxic person needs, is love and acceptance, and kindness, and then maybe they'll change. See how that sounds? Does that sound familiar? So as a side note, some therapists out there can even have a similar message to you. We can almost see them as sort of a codependent agent. It's like that therapist might be codependent about your situation. And if you have a highly abusive parent, I've heard this a lot from clients, that, I'm not saying every therapist does this, but there are therapists out there that are sort of like: "Maybe your father is just a wounded soul who needs more love". And that's so invalidating and such bad advice, I think, when it comes to childhood trauma stuff, So, that being said, with the family member it's odd that they are actually making the situation about themselves, because they are unable to handle that there is a schism. And in turn, that self-centeredness that a codependent agent has, or moral superiority, betrays your truth, and shames you. They advise that you should give in because you 'know better' than the toxic person. This one shames you by asking you to be above the abuse, and choose connection with an abusive family member because the abusive family member 'can't help themselves'. So be the 'better person', and subject yourself to more abuse just because. And the codependent agent gets to say "There. I've fixed it!" So, that's what I mean by this one. And lastly moving on, number six, and the last one, is: This one actually might be the hardest. This is a family member you've been close with, 6: Half-Safe Members Who Ignore or Omit who now wants nothing to do with the situation in the family. This might be a sibling or an aunt or an uncle that might be half safe, or somewhat close to you, but they exit out of the family conflict as soon as it comes up. This is different than, say, a codependent agent, who puts a lot of effort in trying to 'get the band back together'. But those who ignore and omit, that can really feel like a very big betrayal.
For example, say there's an aunt or cousin, that you're close with, within the family, and they've been someone that gets the toxicity in the family. But when you set boundaries, or tell the truth, or do a cut off, they might ghost you for not wanting to get into it. I'm not saying that you've sought out a rescue from this person, but in the past you felt like they were sort of safe to talk to, but now they've gone underground. And what I mean by half safe, is that they're able to name the abuse, as abuse, but it stops there. This family member can agree with you, but they won't advocate and support you, even if you've supported them. And I've had clients, who felt like they would have had some family support, somewhere in their family, but it disappears once they take steps to try to protect themselves, or tell the truth or take action in some way. And why I think this is the hardest- because it sends a message, intentional or not, that you're not worth the effort or the drama, or worse, that you feel like you've now gotten lumped in with the whole toxic system, and the person wants nothing to do with any of it. So in closing, at the heart of these things, if you're trying to change or heal, or set boundaries, or do a cut off and tell the truth, you're going to struggle with shame, that comes up when family members do these things. Final Thoughts And this might be the most important part of the video right here, is that what all that feels like is an internal battle between the abuse that happens to you in these dynamics, and the pressure of going along to get along, because this is our family, this is a big deal, and you're being pulled in two directions. This might be one of the worst crossroads in healing. It was for me, because the inner child, until the inner child is healed, the inner child will always ask, 'what if they're right about me?' 'What if they're right? What if I am selfish?' 'What if I am creating all this' So this is a big deal. So it's important for us to really get our inner adult in place, which is the part of us that can set the boundary, or know what's really going on, or the part of you that wanted to tell the truth to begin with. The adult part is the part of you that actively can combat the shame attacks, and that can hold on to your truth, and hold on to your self-preservation. So, here's how to get your inner adult in place when you're at that kind of a crossroads. So here's how to work on when the family system shames you.
Here is a journaling prompt- To think about: 'what got you here with your family?' Was it that wedding disaster? How to Work on it How they crossed huge boundaries with your partner, you or your children? The refusal to acknowledge the abuse? That time when you were in the hospital, and they told you to take a cab home? That your mother turned it all around on you, when your sister owes you money, and that that sister refuses to pay you? That your father refuses to believe that you were sexually assaulted by another family member? And this prompt is about how we will lose our way with reality, when the family shames. So you write down what got you here, and you hold on to them. You keep it handy for when the shame attacks come, or the texts come or whatever, or the family invitations to Christmas, all of it, as a reminder to yourself. That's what the adult can do, because the inner child is just going to be feeling the mess or the guilt or the shame of it. A second journaling prompt is to walk yourself through, what it would look like if you actually gave in, even if you would never do that at this point. But what would happen to you emotionally to cave in, or go to the family gathering that protects the perpetrator, or refuses to acknowledge the abuse? Would you be back in your family role as a scapegoat? Would you continuously be misunderstood and minimized? What do you gain by putting yourself in such an unsafe place again? Are you just trading the awful guilt and shame, back to feeling of not being seen, and back to where you started? Do you again, lose yourself, or sell yourself short in that hypothetical? Inner children have built in forgetters, and they just want a family. And the inner adult part of you, knows how all that's going to go. That's what that exercise is about. It's like walking yourself through what would happen, because there's going to be one part of you that just wants a family and has a magical thinking about how it's going to go. So there's that. Lastly, is the third exercise is, create two columns of issues. Column one is what the family says about you working on yourself, or establishing a boundary, or doing a cut off. You know, all the BS, like "you're too sensitive." "You're selfish." "How could you do that to mom?" "That's not how family works." "But it's the holidays!".
"You know, your mother would do anything for you." "But yeah, you don't turn your back on family, no matter how bad." "Mom tried to keep dad sober at your wedding, and you should be grateful for her efforts." In the second column, you write out what your truth is, and also what you've learned so far in this stuff. Like- abusive systems use the sensitivity card. If protecting myself from emotional abuse is selfish, so be it. Mom trying to get dad to not drink at my wedding, is swimming against the tide, and that's her codependency. There are no medals for that. Going through my partner or my children, to make me look like I'm crazy, is manipulative and a narcissistic ploy. I'm not dramatic or sensitive. The family system protects perpetrators. A toxic family system will tell abused children, to think more about the perpetrators, than think about themselves. Aunt Betty being a codependent agent, is her refusal to acknowledge how abusive my father is, because that reality makes her uncomfortable. It's about her. You'd be surprised about what you actually put down as the truth. I think you already know these things, but the toxic family shame tends to be so much louder when it comes up, when we're struggling with it. So it's an exercise again, to really get our inner adult in place. And that crossroads that I mentioned, does come down to a choice between two things, unfortunately. If the system is toxic you have nothing to work with. And while it's scary to separate or disengage, on the other side of all that, is the road to healing the shame. It does often come down to a stay or go decision. In my experience, the toxic family system only wants you to stay in your abusive role. Whether that was the parentified child, the scapegoat, the lost kid, the perfect kid, or the person in the family that makes everything okay, or the person that justifies the family for existing or something. Everyone is different and everyone's situation is different. Some families are actually somewhat manageable, and they don't require a cut off. Some are so profoundly unsafe that I tell clients when they're ready, or quickly, that they need to run from such systems. When we've healed in a good enough way, we might be able to engage with lesser toxic families or small toxicity if that's a thing. But you'll know when you're ready, when you don't get so unraveled by spending small amounts of time with them, or you can manage superficial or surfacey kind of connections.
