Recently in a video that I did on the highly sensitive person in childhood trauma, I discussed how in my practice it is usually just one family member seeking change through therapy about their family of origin. And in that video I also mentioned that when it comes to siblings it's very rare to have two siblings working on recovery from family trauma and abuse who happen to like discuss it together or they're connected. This video is going to try to be of help in making more sense about what happens to our sibling relationships when it comes to growing up in childhood trauma and abuse, and those dynamics with siblings can often be a large part of our abuse story, and/or that those relationships are woven into our story. In the abusive family system, no child walks away untouched, despite how it might seem or despite how it might look.
We can have huge resentments towards our siblings from anything from drinking the parental Kool-Aid to the sibling actually being one of our perpetrators growing up. And we can have total heartbreak for siblings who don't see the trauma stuff and are caught up in the effects of trauma without knowing it—like say having a sibling who is now married to an abusive person and doesn't fully see it and is really stuck. We can also have immense loneliness about siblings who have no concept of showing up to our relationship with them or showing up for us.
We can often—and this is big—be more let down by our siblings even than our own parents in the abusive family system, because it feels like the sibling should know better. So there's that. But if we can have a different perspective and have some clarity and name dynamics about our siblings, we can have a better chance of moving on from the resentment and the grief and even maybe the rage.
So I'm going to present some types of dynamics or types of siblings in this video and hopefully give you some perspective on them from the lens of childhood trauma and the abusive family system.
Number one is the sibling who attacks or makes you responsible, kind of scapegoating. This is a sibling or siblings that gets very aggressive when you set boundaries or you start to talk about the truth or you want to talk about what happened. Siblings like this can display highly narcissistic or self-consumed, martyrish behavior, which are signs of trauma in and of itself.
Number two is what I call the sibling who never looked back but lumps you in and is above it all. This sibling either physically or metaphorically got out of the family and never looked back. They look like they really have it together. But they might associate you with all the ick of that and lump you into the fray that is your family, and they can't bridge with you or separate and see you for who you are.
Number three: the sibling who is enabled or protected. This sibling looks like they've taken a special place in the dysfunctional parent's heart, but it is usually the abusive parent over-identifying with this sibling. Due to that, this sibling is often infantilized. When this child grows up into adulthood, they are often not expected to show up for their siblings.
Number four is the sibling who runs from the reality of it. This sibling simply can't tolerate the feelings of discussing the family or getting involved in division. They usually shut down around conflict, and they may people-please and really do some sneaky soothing or smoothing of the conflict. Their trauma and survival is rooted in repression.
Number five: the sibling who needs parenting from you. This one is wrapped up in very early roles and is especially true for younger siblings, for those of you who are parentified and who are older. Put simply, this sibling looks to you for parenting on some level. What is hard about this is that the dynamic is usually a one-way street.
Number six: the Lion's Den, which is mutual hatred and dysfunction. This is really when siblings will get aggressive with each other in childhood or adulthood because the parents aren't available or safe to do that with. All the trauma manifests at each other in blame, shame, and rage.
Number seven: the diplomatic sibling, or what I call the codependent agent. This sibling does a specific keeping-the-ship-afloat behavior without ever being real about the parental or the family system itself. Their trauma is wrapped around repression and compartmentalizing. They may also have played a hero role growing up.
Number eight: the oblivious golden child. They have a great relationship with the parents, but they are terrible being an uncle or an aunt to your kids, or just simply being a sibling to you. Their obliviousness is like a celebrity not wanting to get entangled with fans. They saw their rise at your expense, and when they were six or when they were ten they witnessed how abused their siblings were, but they might have benefited being the example kid.
In all of this, I wanted to make a point to address why your siblings might have these relational issues going on with you. As childhood trauma survivors we usually feel like we're the most affected person in the family. But my main message is to point out that your siblings were greatly affected too. It's just confusing when they can't or they won't acknowledge that it happened to them as well.
When we were all kids, despite differences our siblings usually witnessed our abuse and vice versa. And I use that term witness because they're the only person on the planet who was there when you both had to, say, hide in closets from parents or when Dad left and Mom kicked him out or something horrific happened at the kitchen table.
So I hope this video was helpful. And as always, may you be filled with loving kindness, may you be well, may you be peaceful and at ease, and may you be joyous. And I will see you next time. Take care.
