hey everybody patrick t on li csw welcome back to my youtube channel and welcome back to another role playing video focused on childhood trauma and childhood trauma recovery the scenario in this video is a married couple two men are coming in to do some couples work with me around problems around intimacy in context of raising children together and in context of financial problems in context of raising children together just some really common family problems or marriage problems or partnership problems and there are three major goals that i'm going to be focusing on in this video or things that i'm trying to showcase the first is something called the one two three process that is a intimacy and conflict resolution tool developed by my mentor amanda curtin used in childhood trauma or for childhood trauma survivors to be able to work through their trauma and come together and sort of bond more and work on their intimacy together it's a very highly effective powerful tool it's the best thing that i know of for that stuff i've done a whole other video on it and i will put the link to that video in the description of this video so i want you guys to sort of see a couple go through the one two three process and that's why i did the role play in this way the other thing that i want to focus on this video or the thing i'm trying to showcase are the trauma responses of fight and freeze oftentimes not all the time but often childhood trauma survivors are usually romantically paired with their opposite so someone who fights who is uh can get aggressive in conflict or go into what i call lawyer mode they're for some reason usually paired with someone whose energy goes down someone who might go into the fight the freeze response or the fawn response so i'm trying to showcase how that works in this video and as a i do want to issue you guys a trigger warning when you do see the fight response and the freeze response come up in this video it can be triggering because the conflict it does get pretty heated so there's that the third thing i want you guys to focus on or the third thing i want to showcase in this video is the idea of narcissism i know many of you guys are very schooled in narcissistic personality disorder and narcissism in general and i want you to use your clinical eye to try to figure out and see about whether either of these gentlemen are exhibiting symptoms of of narcissism you can leave a comment description you can ask questions but i want you guys to be aware of that in a separate video i will do a clinical analysis to walk through all the bits and pieces that are going on in this video and i will also recap towards the end of this video so here we go this is sort of the couple's therapy session with the fighting couple well welcome back you guys it was good to hear both of your stories in the last few sessions and like i said last time i can totally see why there are struggles in the marriage given what your family systems were like and i and even i relate to what both of your families were like because this stuff is actually more common than we think can you guys remind me did we go over the one two three handout last time okay well great maybe today um we can go over a stuck place or a bump that keeps coming up between the two of you good that's that's what i wanted from today because something definitely did come up for us and i'm still really angry about it and i'm kind of at the end of my rope about it well sure well why don't one of you tell me what happened and then the other will talk about how they saw it do you want to just go okay well this is an ongoing issue that brian has with honesty and i can't stand being lying to and it's really going to stop today if he thinks i'm dumb and i won't notice that money just disappears i could just feel i can feel myself getting raised as i'm talking about it well okay well well i understand that this sounds really big and it would probably be great for you guys to get some help about it could you maybe focus though on giving me the timeline or that the chain of events that happened like tuesday we texted about money i had a reaction we got into a fight about it in the morning it still was there sure okay well it actually was texting brian texted me on monday about our daughter's senior trip cost where he left out a major detail about her needing spending money i assumed she would need some but i had no idea it would be that high and i felt that brian was lying to me about it the whole time because he has issues with being honest with me after like two hours when he finally did respond to me it became a text battle and then that was two days ago and i haven't been able to look at him since and i'm actually getting sick of this too because it's ridiculous about being accused about embezzling from my own husband how do i know that you're not when you act so sketchy with me hang on hang on guys hang on look i still want to try to understand more when when we all first met did you guys tell me that jim you work full-time and then brian you work part-time but you do most of the background stuff with the kids is that right yeah that's how our how it works we both actively parent but i do most of the kids scheduling and needs and stuff okay got it jim well now i know your side of the upset but brian how about you tell me how you see this issue when it comes up to be honest i don't really want to you know because if we get into it he shuts me down and about whatever i say and i can't talk then he's convinced i'm hiding money you know you forget it like i've tried this so many times it always ends up in the same place like i'm a criminal look i got it like i know it's a huge issue between the two of you but can you try to give me the chain of events from how you see it okay i didn't tell him monday about our daughter cassie's spending money because if i tell him up front about it he accuses me of hiding that info and if i soften the blow about it and wait till later he accuses me about hiding that info cassie told me very late she's 17 and she's allowed to be 17 and i'm just the messenger in this i didn't tell him about how much he needed to the last minute because i'd be in trouble anyway then he unloaded on me and text after seeing the money go down in the joint account then i'm triggered and i like can't respond to you then i have to wait for you to decide to hate to not hate me so much you left out your attitude towards me do you have any idea how obnoxious it is to get those texts from you that are like you're going to be mad at me so anyway so what's the point hang on guys look i know that this sucks and you're both having really big feelings about it but this is helpful for me to get the big picture jim can i ask you like what the emotional charge is about the money is it about lack of money or fairness somehow no it's none it's none of that we make enough money i just can't stand being ignored when i have a valid question about the money
this is what i'm talking about that look total disrespect i get ignored and shut out from being included in what we do with our money for our kids it's all like smoking mirrors and i'm treated like i'm a scary angry dad you know i seen him and cassie colluding behind my back about you name it sneakers expensive abs a headphone set christ i was the last one to know what her soccer fees were do you have any idea how hurtful that is this is why we can't this is why what why you can't like that say that you're dishonest or why you play games or why you think i'm selfish about this stuff come on do you know how many times i thought about just shutting down the joint and just vent mowing you so i don't have to deal with this crap
there he goes now he's pretending that i'm violent he can't handle me you know whenever i ask questions about the kids whenever i have to adjust plans on my end i'm sick of being treated like i'm some controlling rager when i just want to be included whoa whoa whoa whoa let's take it down a bit jim jim are you aware of how big you just got i know i'm sorry i'm sorry it's okay let's just take a minute you guys are really stuck in trigger city and brian how are you doing right now what i think you shut down there when jim was yelling at you you know let's have you both chill out and just come back to the room neither of you are in trouble you guys just really got triggered by each other and it's fixable let's just take a minute and we'll sort of calm down and breathe i think you guys are just caught up in getting triggered and the childhood trauma well gets just thrown on each other all that stuff usually goes right on our partners so let's do a one two three and i'll walk you through it i know it's hard but we have to nail the childhood issue for both of you first because that's what's mucking up the present stuff okay okay so in the first part of the one two three if you remember you both talk about what the trigger takes you back to in childhood and the other one listens and holds the toxic parents accountable i'll help brian can i get you to go first what am i doing can you think about what the fight with jim takes you back to in childhood you know i kind of see it like it feels like you're in this position where you you're damned if you do you're damned if you don't know about the money stuff yeah i hope you get stuck i don't know um the only thing i can think of is when my mother would scream at me all the time got it can you maybe come up with a specific memory or something concrete about that
i'm just kind of going blank
it's okay how about i help you know when you told me your story you mentioned that you were the oldest and you had to be like a parent for your younger brothers and you also had to protect them from your parents because they would get abusive about stuff right right well my mom was never home and dad was gone anyways but when my mom would come home she'd scream at me for not knowing my my younger brother's homework assignments or that i was supposed to walk them to their cub scout meetings and be there for the meeting but i'd forget wow good example jim what comes to mind you know his mother kay is still like that and i can't stand her you know we've talked a lot about what it was like for him she's this type of person that think that that people are there to serve her how old were you i don't know i think i was like 11 and when my brothers would need something i was the only one that could make it happen for them so i'd have to ask my parents for what my brothers needed and they'd both lose it on me like i was like the bad employee like the worst time my mother lost it on me i was in high school and i still remember this like i told her my younger brother needed supplies for a science project and i think i was like 17 which would have made him like 12 and my mother kept throwing plates against the wall near me about me not telling her sooner and she ran out of place but she kept berating me and i just had to wait until she like exhausted herself oh that's horrific jim what is it like to hear that i don't know how i got through it like she's literally like the mommy dearest mother she's a nightmare even to this day you know it's funny her his brothers um who are adults now they still need to go through brian in order to communicate with the mother you know it's like to me it's like brian's like the safe human resources persons in a toxic company and he like runs coverage for everybody wow brian that's a really powerful example i can't imagine would have been like to have been so young and in that position like you had to sacrifice so much for your brothers about what they needed you know kids have to leave their body when they're treated like that and that's maybe why you shut down well jim now can you do the same can you maybe tell us what it takes you back to in childhood i just really want to say to brian i'm sorry and that i hate your mother right well good hold on to that fixing and repairing because we're going to do that in the third part but what does the money piece take you back to well as brian was talking like these memories just totally came back to me a second ago you know we grew up poor but not because we had to be like my parents were terrible with money and about decision making about money and they spent it the minute they had it vcrs clothes vacations dinners and my grandmother knowing how irresponsible they were they she gave money to my sister and i but we never had any control over it and never saw it like on one hand the electricity would be shut off and the other hand my dad would come home with a new toy for himself you know in high school i found these bank statements from my grandmother's deposits and she had been giving us money every month since we were toddlers but we never saw it like we never had the money for camp we never we always got close school closed late and my sister and i knew when the bills were due and we were trying to tell them but they wouldn't listen and our parents kept telling us that the money was being put into a savings account but she and i knew where it was going wow
brian what do you think about that
his mother is the most sketchy materialistic person i know and his dad too like they still try to borrow money from jim but they never say what it's for and it broke my heart when he told me about those bank statements i knew about that you know i'm also having a memory right now that i used to start cornering my parents about their spending i think i was like in high school and i started standing up to them and it always came up when i needed some when i needed some money and i'd confront them um but my parents would just ignore me when i would be screaming at them and eventually they would just like walk out of the room or take a drive together because they couldn't like handle me i've seen him do that to him they do this like superior that's none of your business vibe about what they want the money for and then they come off like he's too much if he has a reaction whoa that's infuriating jim of course your kid at the time where you try to get them to come clean kids get stuck with all that rage and anger and then they get dismissed and shamed like that also they were liars thinking that you were the problem though yeah so excellent so that's the first part of the one two three and you both did great i think there's a good heart connection about what happened to both of you and we'll move on so the second part of the one two three is about getting the projection off of each other because it's really clear to me that you both become each other's parents in this part two is you say how you're each different from the toxic parent you get triggered to we're trying to totally take off our stuff off of our partner can i go sure well you're obviously not as bad as my mom and dad because you're such a great father to the kids
well what'd i say was that bad no it wasn't bad but you said brian's not as bad which implies that he's still sketchy sorry sorry um you're nothing like my dad because you're the opposite you're just trying to work with me on getting the kids needs met and not hiding things for yourself i'm really sorry
good you just totally took the projection off of him and also jim would your parents ever do something as intimate as therapy that brian's doing with you oh god no they think therapy is for losers and they feel like they don't need it and i really appreciate that you do this with me and you try to fix this with me excellent brian how is jim different well he's nothing like my parents because he's here and he's just asking about our spending and you're just asking because you're always trying to make sure the kids and i have what we need you're totally different because i think our parents hated us for having needs and your main focus is getting me what i need good you guys are hands down really good at this really good at this now the third part we go back to the present issue and look at each other right now and say what you specifically need to get over the bump about money and also pulling out what you can own can i go first yeah yeah well should i own something okay let's go um i'll own that i do act disrespectfully about you and just asking and then i shut down and it probably feels like i'm ignoring you when i'm not present and i leave the conversation and that's probably really annoying and what i need though is i need to not be accused about lying or being sketchy when i'm just triggered
right yep i totally know what you mean and i can do that i am way too all over you about this stuff really good you guys you know i want to frame it like this jim brian is needing you to keep your inner child from putting his stuff on from mom and dad on to brian in the present and he's owning how his kid runs him i can definitely own that and i'm sorry i've accused you of dishonesty and i accused you for putting on the spot like that whoa that is advanced what you just said a plus plus our inner children they do put our partners on the spot with that like accusatory stuff in our inner chart in our inner child put our partners in like a no win but you were right to do that with your parents jim but it just doesn't belong to brian can i add that babe um cassie's spending money really wasn't that much more yeah you know my kid was just looking for evidence that you're sketching sorry can i go yeah i need i need for you to not see me as scary when i'm just asking about something and i want it to just be easy and safe for us both to talk about it without all the extra stuff that happens i can totally do that and i know what you mean like when you ask my kid is like here we go again how long is this gonna take which is was totally what it was like with my parents but that's not fair to you amazing congrats you did a successful one two three just fyi guys this is gonna keep coming up between the two of you and it's actually a continued opportunity to rebuild trust with each other but the one two three thing is not like a one and done you keep practicing it at home on smaller things the car the dishes like whatever couples usually try to do one once a week to get into the habit of doing it and in that way you're in a much better position to handle the bigger stuff that comes up and you can do one then too your inner children are also going to need ongoing re-parenting in order to help them see the trust take root these children have never seen trust build before or they've never seen people make good on things and they just don't believe in it so like when it comes up the money piece brian you remind yourself that he's just asking it's a normal communication thing you're not in trouble and jim like when it comes up you have to remind your inner child that brian isn't hiding anything from you he's not being sketchy and also brian when it comes up you have to remind yourself that you're not in trouble with jim hopefully that makes sense you guys did amazing and i will see you guys next week so coming back to that third issue of narcissism is i wanted to showcase that and i could do a whole other separate video on this but my brain goes to the intersect between cptsd and narcissistic behaviors when those two things overlap there is oftentimes a sort of the the commonality is when someone is self-consumed and you can see that the way that jim was getting triggered and you can even see it the way that brian sort of shuts down that because of their trauma they become self-consumed they have their fight and they have their freeze response and i feel that that can look a lot like narcissism the difference is is notice how jim was able to sort of wind himself back or sort of take the stuff back and really catch himself and do that and also the way that jim was able to authentically and sincerely feel empathy for his partner and what he had sort of done in the couple session or what he does in general and even brian is did in a similar way when we go into the freeze response to the outside viewer someone who freezes might seem aloof might seem like they're leaving the conversation related to sort of jim's trauma with his parents they may seem disinterested they may seem like they're playing games and that's what i'm trying to highlight in that video which is their own version of being self-consumed but on the inside is what i was trying to convey in that video is there they can barely hear you they're just hanging on um and oftentimes that presentation can infuriate our partner more so that's where that fight and that freeze response stuff was coming from and again both of them was exhibiting sort of self-consumed trigger responses that isn't narcissism it might seem a little bit narcissistic the way it kind of plays out but it's not that so um stay tuned for a clinical analysis maybe in a week and a week or so after this video i wish you guys well and if you have any questions leave a comment in the in the comment section of the description you can also like the video you can also subscribe you can also share i hope the video was helpful to you guys and as always going to leave you guys with
