so a securely attached person can really seem like a golden unicorn but they are out there have you ever had a friend or a coworker that didn't struggle in relationships as much as you do um that they weren't so disregulated around conflict and they seem to choose high quality partners because they valued themselves to do so and co-workers are a friend of mine that would that seem to be securely attached they would actually bug me because I would both feel ashamed of my own attachment issues when I would compare to them but I'd also get annoyed about their lack of upset with others and their Partners like I wanted to hear the dirt I wanted to hear the drama cuz I lived in that and they didn't really have too much of it for me um but that securely attached person in my mind is sitting in a foundation of security with themselves and therefore in their life and they got what they needed growing up and therefore they're bonded with themselves and therefore their relationships enhanced their life not complete their lives and there's a big difference between those two things and that secure person also had a safe home base in their parental relationships and their first 18 months of life and beyond and probably unlike me they weren't so devastated by crushes or longing for connection as a child because they already had it and they could explore life in the world more freely than say I could and I'm sure that they were like us like nervous on the first day of kindergarten but they can consistently rely on a safe person to regroup with at the end of that day so the securely attached adult also tends to respect and value themselves because someone taught them to they have an easier time with boundaries and not and getting out of situations that don't honor them so they might have a much easier time leaving say a toxic job or a bad relationship which is kind of baffling to us as childhood trauma survivors cuz we we tend to go the distance with those things um they can roll with their life better they can be in a relationship without being terrified or ending it or being exhausted by intimacy which some of us struggle with and while this kind of person might seem fictitious or even annoying to us given our experience as trauma survivors it is possible to work on and fix our attachment wounds which was my experience in therapy so and I know not everyone experiences that from therapy but I was a pretty wounded cat and given that I was raised by two very narcissistic parents who were burdened by the role of being a parent instead of realizing what being a parent actually means and I'm going to come back to that later so in this video we're going to look at our attachment wounds through the lens of being raised by narcissistic parents and not just treat attachment wounds like their zodiac signs like oh that's just who I am and by narcissistic parents I mean parents who aren't just those with narcissistic personality disorder although it can mean that but narcissistic in the way that they're more focused on their own comfort instead of being a parent and in the role that they decided to take on and they know what it means or even call me crazy that parents who actually cherish and enjoy having children like we see with someone who might be more securely attached secure attachment self-love self-respect comes from a parent truly seeing and cherishing their children while consistently showing up for them in a good enough way.
General Attachment Theory Styles so let's briefly go over the general attachment theory that we currently know and we often see the four Styles being secure anxious preoccupied dismissive avoidant and fearful avoidant a simple way to look at these four are on an axis with the top two quads having a positive view of others and the bottom quads having a negative view of others then we flip it from left to right where the left two quads are a positive view of self and the right two quads have a negative view of self I like this view of it here are some general Vibes for each style the secure person at Baseline is like I like me and I like you and I like us kind of nice the anxious preoccupied is like I like you and I have to get you to tolerate me the fearful avoidant Vibe is I don't trust you and I don't like me but I need you to survive and finally the dismissive avoidant is I'm better alone and you'll mess my peace up we could add something like but you can hang out as long as we really don't connect little cat to that one the Styles aren't just for our romantic Partners all kinds of relationships take those vibes further.
Vibe Examples here is what each style might convey in their first couple therapy sessions with me and in those first couple sessions I often give reading assignments about shame and the family system to get them going on their childhood trauma and let's just say in the second session the anxious preoccupied person might say I got the book I loved it and I read the first four chapters like you said but I'm worried you want me to do extra credit because I always get things wrong I was worried you might be mad that I only did the reading you asked they might idealize me and downplay themselves a little bit they have a positive view of others but a negative view of self. An anxious preoccupied person might give me a lot of power that I don't want and think of their early trauma bond with a narcissistic parent and yes this is in the realm of things like codependency fawning people pleasing that kind of a thing. The fearful avoidant might say yeah I got the book but why did you suggest such a heavy book when you know I'm coming from childhood trauma but you're the only one who gave me an appointment since no one else wanted to see me so I guess I'm here. They might criticize me but they still need me for fear of not being able to find somebody else they have a negative view of others and self. The dismissive avoidant person might say yeah I didn't order the book but I did find a better one um also can we take this down to once a month because weekly is just such a distraction since I can just do the reading on my own. They might seek out therapy but they're going to be doing it on their own terms.
All of these are coming from childhood trauma and they're doing this for very good reasons.
Three Ideas About Adult Attachment I think it can be broken down into a few basic things:
How we love others and our personal patterns of love and connection.
How much closeness and love can we actually tolerate.
How we unconsciously behave in ways that mess up or limit our connection with others.
Common Examples of These Ideas Constantly checking if our partner is okay with us, constantly checking if they are leaving or cheating, being in a committed thing but missing independence, dating beneath us or dating unavailable people, being long drawn out dramatic on-and-off again partnerships, avoiding connections with others altogether, being intimidated by healthy and attracted to dysfunctional. Attachment styles are fluid—we can shift between them depending on the relationship.
Narcissistic Parenting Styles Neglectful, immature (emotional incest, parentification, needy, abandonment fears), overbearing (super critical, controlling), overwhelming (terror-inducing, intrusive, energy vampire, living vicariously), manipulative (competitive, jealous, vindictive, gaslighting, rewriting history), thoughtless and oblivious, shame-producing (addicted parent, mentally ill parent, unconscious talker, entitled). All involve a disconnect or absence of empathy.
Parent and Child Relationship Problems Lack of shared power, lack of autonomy, complicated affection, lack of mental boundaries.
Developing Attachment Styles Anxious preoccupied comes from inconsistent caregiving, cross-boundaries, surrogate spouse roles, neglect, or a parent’s mood dictating everything. Fearful avoidant comes from frightening or erratic caregivers, betrayal, gaslighting, double binds. Dismissive avoidant comes from unavailable caregivers, cold transactional households, alcoholic or hoarding parents, or overwhelming neurotic parents.
Anxious Avoidant Preoccupied with reactions of others. Healing looks like enjoying not having to win others over. Parents could have been alcoholic, morose, neglectful, or mood-disordered.
Fearful Avoidant Push-pull quality, projecting unsafe parents onto partners, constantly creating conflict, testing partners. Healing involves forming a solid inner adult to protect the inner child, working on projection, and learning to self-soothe.
Dismissive Avoidant Develops in cold, neglectful, or overwhelming homes. Appears detached, avoids emotions, leaves relationships easily. Healing involves grief work, tolerating emotions, and building connection.
Final Thoughts Attachment styles are fluid. They may change with different partners or situations but all connect back to survival strategies with narcissistic or self-consumed parents. Reflect on:
How you love others and your patterns of connection.
How much closeness and love you can tolerate.
How you unconsciously behave in ways that sabotage connection.
Courses on my website such as the genogram, family rules, and children's bill of rights can help. My monthly healing community provides journaling prompts and support.
