Yeah, sure. I can try to walk you through it. Um, it's hard to explain because, um, I can't remember the last time it was this bad, but, well, my wife visited our, my parents in Maryland to introduce them to our newborn. We have a son who's nine weeks old now. And, but we've been dreading this visit, but it was just time to just do it.
And, um, this is the first visit to my folks and it was a total nightmare. My wife has had issues with my mother, who's an incredibly difficult person. So this visit was already hard for us, but the issues with my parents and me and my wife started like way back even at our wedding, which might, might take like five sessions with you to get through.
So, so sorry if I'm all over the place. Um. Thanks. Um, I should note that my dad tends to run between my mom and whoever my mom has a problem with. It's like he polices the world for my mother, and she expects that from him and others. And I found myself doing it at times too. Like, I'll make sure the waiter brings the thing that my mom demands to make sure that things go smoothie and there's no meltdowns.
Um, you should also know that my brother stopped talking to them three years ago because my mom, my dad too, um, had a meltdown at my brother's girlfriend because my mom felt disrespected by my, my, the girlfriend's dietary stuff. Like something like. I forget what it was, but it just, it just led to her breaking up with my brother and he then cut himself off, which part of me really gets, you know, but, but back to the visit, um, you know, it started at the airport and my parents got intensely upset, upset with us because we would.
We would come to them at the cell phone lot and they didn't like understand how a cell phone lot functions and it was this big miscommunication, but they were so pissed. And that's like the first moment that they were meeting my son and it had all this energy to it. Like they didn't believe me that there wasn't a shuttle and we had, we had, or we had our bags, we had our stroller, we had our diaper bag.
And they were literally sitting like around the corner from where we were at the airport. And, um, and the trip didn't really get better from there. I was hoping that after not seeing them for two years with COVID, that they would be, it wouldn't be these like immediate problems, but I was really wrong. My mom didn't even get out of the car.
She just like scowled at traffic and was super, uh, passive aggressive with us. So we were exhausted and the baby had a terrible flight. We got sick all over me, got sick over my wife and my wife. Just wanted to try to get him. To get a, get a nap at home. But then my mother tells us as we're leaving the airport that she planned this whole lunch and she wanted to, to show me my old high school that got renovated, but, and that the town has now has money to do so.
And it's also a weird thing, like, I don't know why that she gets so into proving that they live in this like up and coming area, which isn't true, but like she focuses on things like that, that no one really gives a shit about. Like I hated that high school in that town, but she's just, she's never understood, so they never tell us like what the plan is, so you always have to adjust to them.
Mm. We couldn't say no to the lunch since they were already really pissed at us, so they just kind of took the day over and so we finally get through lunch and driving around town, and that took forever to get home. But you could still cut the tension with a knife because my dad is giving off vibes that he's going way out of his way to have us over there.
And then my wife finally tries to get our son fed and my mom immediately goes after her for how she's feeding our son and the nap schedule in this manic attacking way and that, why didn't we have our son nap on the plane? What were we thinking? And why doesn't my wife call her about feeding issues since she's, since the beginning, since she's raised two kids successfully and.
My wife would make so many mistakes if she would just would just call her, like my mother tends to start fights when she feels like she's not included in things, and my wife totally went red and escaped upstairs. And while I distracted my mother by asking her about the house like, she's you, she's redirectable.
If you ask her about herself. And then like before dinner, my mother had the final absolute meltdown on me because, because they wanted us to go out to dinner. Which is always a disaster with an infant. But they were both attacked us for not wanting to go because we had just finally gotten the baby down and gotten the baby to sleep.
So again, this is something they ever told us about and it's always assumed that we should know their plans. And then my father started yelling and screaming that we were making them late for the restaurant that we never discussed and the restaurant was gonna fill up and they were gonna run outta rolls, which is utterly insane.
And then that wakes up the baby after just finally getting him down. And then my wife comes down and interrupts the whole thing and asks me to come upstairs with her saying she needed me. And she told me that she was getting an Uber and she found a nearby hotel and she was going with her without me.
And I'm in awe of how she can just cut through the yelling like that because I'm like frozen in it. I should back up here and say that I totally get my wife's point. And it actually felt like the right thing to do to leave, which we did. But my wife let me know if this visit didn't go well, that this was gonna be the backup plan, and I had reluctantly agreed to it.
So this was in the works, like other visits. She'd leave that I res, I respected that, but then I would get riddled with guilt and I, it, it all ended up with my mother sobbing at the front door uncontrollably and screaming why my wife was doing that to her and my dad screaming at me that I was a piece of, which is a go-to for him whenever I hurt my mother.
So, so we get into this Uber and my son was crying all the way to the hotel, and later my wife and I bonded. It was actually the right thing to do for us. But at night I got these crazy texts from my dad that were verbally abusive towards me, like what I did to my mother and that he has to deal with everything.
And I had what I think was my first panic attack at like 3:00 AM and that's when I decided to call someone like you. So that's where I'm at. So how might a therapist respond to all that, and what might you need from a therapist if you were in that client's shoes, or if you have been in their shoes, would you need help from the therapist about making sense about the visit and the parents?
Or would you just want to maybe get help with the emotions and not get into all that, which is valid, but I think the client here needs help from a clinician about what's normal and what's not, what's abusive and what's not. And they might need some psychoeducation around the possible mental health problems that the parents might have.
I think that they'll need support around codependency and boundaries. And finally, I think that they'll need help processing their childhood trauma. As in this scenario, it's highly unlikely that the parent's behavior is new to him. So, and as a therapist in this case, in a case like this, I'm thinking that these are the parents.
That raise the client, and these are the people who are in charge of the client's emotional development, which is scary. And unfortunately in the mental health world, a client in this kind of family mess can really be invalidated about what all that means by a therapist. And it shouldn't be as common as it is, but it just is.
However, like any other profession or service, there are a therapist that are amazing and supportive and life changing, and some therapists just flat out aren't. So if you're new to me or new to the channel, welcome. If you like this video, feel free to hit some buttons on the screen. You can't miss with any of the buttons, especially the like and the subscribe.
And if you feel like these videos are very helpful to you in your recovery, you can consider supporting the work that goes into all these videos over my Patreon. And in addition, you can go to my website to check out some childhood trauma e-course work that I offer there. In addition and highly relevant to this video.
This coming Saturday, March 5th, 2020, I'm offering a level one childhood trauma training course for therapists, for life coaches for holistic practitioners. That covers going way beyond just being trauma informed and helping clients to process their family system in a safe and thoughtful way, and going deeper than what's just generally kind of talked about in general talk therapy.
So you can get in touch with me with through my website if you'd like to do that. You can also connect with me on my Instagram or my TikTok, and I'll have all the links in a description of the video below. So here are four role plays. The first three are ways that a therapist can be invalidating a. Um, kind of on purpose or not, and there's definitely more ways that therapists can be invalidating, but these are just some of the ones that I came up with that I felt were important.
The fourth role play is how I would work with that client. And I'm not saying that my way is best or my way is the highway, or the only way I'm just saying this is how someone who really deals with. Dysfunctional family systems would look at that stuff. So, um, so here we go. Yo, some role play scenarios.
What's the scenario? Um, that looks at how clients who have childhood trauma may end up being extremely invalidate about what is happening in their family system. The problem that that client discussed in detail is what we'll use for all four of the role plays, and it's the same thing over and over again, just with different therapist responses.
Pay attention to how each of these therapists might make you feel if you were in the client's shoes or if you have been in their shoes. So we got into the Uber and our son was crying the whole way to the hotel, and later my wife and I bonded that we had done the right thing for us. But, but that night I got these intense texts from my dads who was verbally abusive to me, and I had what I think is my first panic attack at like 3:00 AM.
And that's when I decided to call someone like you and try to get some help. Well, I understand and that sounds like just typical stressful family life. I get it. Um, wow. But it must be devastating for a mother to be at odds with her son visiting her, having one other son withdraw for her completely. You know, like I think as we age.
We perpetually lose connection with our children. Well, I hadn't really thought about that. You know, family life is really difficult and it takes a lot of patience and maturity to find ways that work, especially nowadays when there seems to be a whole movement around casual abandonment of family. You know, every generation has to define itself from the prior, but, you know, thinking of your mother in this, you know, well.
This might be the best way that I can help you. Um, you, you seem upset by this and there's this wonderful quote, and I'll bet you'll never guess who said it. It goes something like, those who are the hardest to love need it the most. What do you think that that means? I just kind of gotta chill there. You know, part of me hates seeing my mother lose it like that.
And I hate myself for causing all that. Does it mean that I haven't found a way to get her that love yet? Yep. You know, like, like clearly you didn't cause all that, but you know, I think maybe you and your wife have a greater capacity than your mother does for patience and understanding. The quote is actually Socrates and he was married for a woman similar to your mother.
He knew this wisdom like over 200, 2000 years ago. You know, perhaps it also explains your father, I don't know, maybe his, whatever that is, his reactivity or maybe his investment in her, while they're both difficult people, but might not his strategy, but related to the quote, may maybe like he's always doing things like in support of her because he feels just, um.
I know what you're gonna say, but from, from what I truly believe in is that people are doing their best. And I wonder what would happen if you call them in a few days or just wrote 'em a quick note and offer some kind of acknowledgement that the things like maybe the car ride. Or the lunch or showing you the high school.
It's, it's really important to not throw away any goodness in a person, even if things are conflictual. How might you feel if you did something like that and maybe own your part? Well, sure, but, um, what, what would be my part? Well, your expectations, we all have to look at that. You were expecting a certain experience with them.
So much to the point that you and your wife had a backup plan. If you didn't get that experience, maybe you're right. You know, I think maybe the panic attack was about my selfishness in this. So yeah, maybe I can call 'em, you know, I wonder how these relationships might look like if you show up. With a different or no expectations and really look for the ways that they try like the restaurant, you know, like not well planned out, but you know, what experience did they want from you and your wife and your son?
I,
so we got into the Uber and my son was crying the whole way to the hotel, and later my wife and I bonded that, that we had really done the right thing for us. But that night I got these intense texts from my dad who was verbally abusive to me, and I had what I think is my first panic attack at like 3:00 AM That's when I decided to call somebody like you, so Well, yeah.
Well, thanks for all that. That's a, that's a lot to reconcile there and I'm sure you're aware or you've heard that every family has disagreements and how I work is I can help you come to your own conclusions. Or ways to figure out these relationships. You know, my role is to be totally available to you and help you process, and I believe that people inherently know what they need to do or do what makes sense for them on their own terms.
This just, you just might need some help stepping into your greatness. Wouldn't that be nice? Yeah. Yeah. I'd like that. I think. Have you maybe thought about maybe a course here about your family or what you'd like to see happen? No. I haven't really been able to sleep or eat. Like I'm a bit overwhelmed. I was, I was hoping that you'd have some ideas.
The panic attack was so new that. I don't even think about how anxious I've been through this. Yes, there, let's start there. You're anxious. That's what we can work with here. Let, let's sit with it. Maybe become less critical of it. Tell me more about this anxious feeling. Well, I was, I was shaking that night from those texts with my dad and it's, it's been on my mind ever since.
I keep seeing in my mind, my father and my mother screaming at me and like the, the foyer, like when we were, when we were leaving with our bags and the stroller, it was just awful. And I keep visually seeing my dad call me a piece of, in front of my infant son and, you know, like, what, what does all that mean for you?
Um, that my family makes me anxious or I get anxious around them. Yes. Yes. But what might the anxiety you feel about all that might be telling you? Our feelings are like useful messages to us. Um, well, that maybe I am wrong for visiting them or that I put my wife through that because of my loyalty to them.
Or maybe. My parents can't or refuse to keep it together for me or my son or my wife. Well, all that certainly makes one anxious. Yes, if that's your inner experience. Can I ask though, like might you maybe be inherently prone to anxiety? Might that be a pattern for you? Maybe it is telling you about the kind of person you might be and how might it manifest again, like say maybe when your son turns one and there's a question about how do you celebrate that with your parents.
I don't know if I can do all that again. Well, well, I've always been keyed up about how things are gonna go, what people think about me, like how am I doing at work, or in the past it was great. Yes. Well, you know, we all want to do well. Which can make us make us anxious, you know? But I think you could be onto something and perhaps come into terms with your relationship to your anxiety, and I wonder if more Sessions will help you work on that anxiety and simply make friends with it.
Okay. Yeah, I guess that sounds all right.
So we got into the Uber and my son was crying the whole way to the hotel and later. My wife and I bonded together, then decided that we had done the right thing for us. But that night I got these intense texts from my dads, like verbally abusing me. And I think what I had was my first panic attack at 3:00 AM and that's when I decided to call someone like you.
So. Wow. Well, you know, I just completed this training on mindfulness and I'm so into it. Um, the basic idea is that you become aware of everything you're going through and pay attention to it, but you're more curious about what you're going through instead of reacting to it. I have this handout, I think.
Me. Me. You know, I think it could be at a home or in a PDF or something, but I'll email it to you. But related to your family though, I have a friend who just went through something really similar with their family and it was so stressful for 'em, but they started to practice just being still. And welcoming what comes up in that stress?
Do you meditate? No, I, I haven't, but I've heard good things. Well, we'll have to change that. And you know, I was raised Catholic, but my, my parents would disown me if they knew I was trying to meditate. But maybe yours were too, you know? Well, actually that's one thing about them that they're pretty open to like, well, cool.
Well back to mindfulness, and if this is, if this isn't your thing, I have some CBT sheets that we can do if you're interested in that. Um, but the goal is you practice being chill and having some control over your feelings and issues instead of being like taken over by 'em. Did the thing with your mom like, take you over?
Yeah. Yeah. Like, I haven't been able to sleep or eat. I'm worried I'm gonna have another panic attack if my father texts me. Right. Right. Tell me more. Well, well, like, I, like I had a, a panic attack when my dad texted me 'cause he was verbally abusive and I can't stop thinking about it. Yeah, I bet. How did it feel in your body?
Um, I don't know, like tense shaking. Like my shoulders and my neck muscles are all locked up. Like I can't focus. Um,
I'm surprised I wasn't late to this. Oh, yeah, so sorry I was late and, you know, good that we're maybe both late, but I'm sorry I was 20 minutes late, but, um, but we'll have to end soon because unfortunately I can't go beyond longer. Longer. But what else? Um, I'm exhausted. I can't sleep. Got it. You know, they taught us in this training, this really cool exercise that I want you to try to do when you leave.
They're all sensory. I think. There's touch, smell, hearing, feeling. So what you do the next time you eat something today, like your next meal, you eat super slow and you savor and you think about all the flavors and textures that you're experiencing. If you're listening like in the car. And you try to shut off all the noise in your head and you try to just think about what this, what kind of sensations is the music causing?
Or if you're a tactile person, you sit in your car and you close your eyes and you feel your keys like as if you were blind, like going over, are they cold? Are they sharp? Even the plastic gas card things like what do they like? Are they smooth? Are they frayed? And I know it sounds odd, but um, all of these are research proven ways to calm your system down.
And you kind of ground while you're doing all that. And if you're grounded, you're less anxious and you are able to get through things better works so well. I love doing it. I kind of like that. Do I do it when my father texts me again? Yes. You know, there's this great, also there's this great Instagram person that does mindfulness that I think you should follow.
Um, I think. Your Instagram was in your email, and what I can do is I can follow you and then send you a DM with the person's account, and they're so helpful with that stuff. And Oh, and would you say, coming into this session, would you say the main thing for you is anxiety? Well, yeah. Well, I, I did have my first panic attack, maybe GAD I'm sorry, what?
Oh, generalized anxiety disorder. I have to put in like this working diagnosis and since I was late, I couldn't get to the forum, but maybe we can do all that next time. Okay.
So we got into the Uber and our son was crying the whole way to the hotel, and later my wife and I bonded that we had done the right thing for. But that night I get these intense texts from my dad verbally abusing me, and I had what I think was my first panic attack at like 3:00 AM. That's when I decided to call someone like you.
Whoa, I can totally see why you had a panic attack, which are awful things by the way. And you know, I think you and your wife really did the right thing. That is so not normal. It's so not a healthy family. Healthy family experience, especially when I'm being a newborn. Thanks. I was worried you were gonna tell me that that's not real abuse or something.
Oh no. Like that's, that's all the way up there. There's verbal abuse, manipulation, emotional abuse, the control, and that's a total nightmare that I actually relate to. And you know, I like that you and your wife left. It's really good parenting. It is funny, but you know, I often ask when I start with new clients who has children of their own, like what kind of grandparents did their parents become?
And you've kind of answered that already. Can I maybe ask you a tough question? Sure. You know, your parents, in my experience or or parents like this, that their behavior isn't usually a new thing. Um, like there could be a cognitive decline, something like dementia or Alzheimer's, but were they like this growing up with you?
Yeah. Yeah. Like my brother and I, we did this stuff like we would hide in closets because my father would get enraged and start hitting us. My mother was very embarrassing to be out in public with, because she would often start fights with anybody. The bank person, the grocery store person, she'd even get into arguments with teachers we couldn't get into, couldn't have friends over because we wouldn't want them to hear what our house was like.
And I remember this nice family that I felt terrible to be around because they were so chill and normal. They were our neighbors who only lived there for about two years or so and moved because my parents kind of made them enemies and would mess with them about anything like all the time. God, that sounds like such an or ordeal for a little boy.
You know, kids who grow up like that live in. With their nervous system on high alert 24 7 in a family like that, can I maybe ask about maybe if you and your wife had been on the same page through this, or maybe do you also talk with your brother about your parents? Good question. Well, you know, most of my marriage has been me trying to get my parents, give them chances that my wife tries to get me to stop giving them.
And it's always been a thing between us and I just can't bring myself to not deal with them, but, but I envy and even resent how my brother just was like, see you. I'm out. And now how do you and your wife like talk about it after this visit? Well, she's always been super patient and understanding, but I can't ask her to go there anymore.
Like I'm, but I'm riddled with guilt about not talking with them or even seeing them because it's always, always toxic. I totally get it. And you know, that tells us that maybe you're stuck. Which is so common for this family system stuff. Abusive family systems have these very specific rules that stay with us into our adulthood, and those rules keep us stuck.
Can you maybe tell me about a time growing up where you had to say maybe know your parents or state a preference? Can you gimme an example? Yeah, sure. Like, you know, something that you wanted to do for yourself, but that would have huge consequences if you did that. Sure. Well, you know, like I always have this memory.
I remember in middle school where there was this talent show and my friends and I did this skit from the show in living color. Do you remember like fire Marshal bill? Yeah. Oh my God. We, we couldn't get enough of that growing up. We loved that show. Well, I was built, oh, and we did this whole elaborate thing where we even had like a fake fire extinguisher that was full of baby powder.
And that Saturday, the talent show, my mother had this meltdown where. We weren't, I don't know, caring enough for her or appreciative enough for her, and it was really bad, like worse than normal, bad. And my dad starts swearing on us and like they pick something, our grades, our bikes, and in the middle of all that, I tell 'em that I have to go to this talent show.
And my mother just absolutely lost it. Saying me leaving was so typical and that I was horrible to her. And she saw a uncontrollably and locked herself in her room. And then my dad went off on us and you can hear him all the way through the neighborhood. And I finally got him to stop, stop yelling. 'cause by telling him I wasn't gonna go to the show.
And then I go to my mother's door and to tell her I wasn't gonna go and she didn't say anything. Uh, she just sobbed and told me to get away from her. Then I remember being in my room really spaced out and was worried about like, what am I gonna tell my friends? 'cause I ghosted them. And I'd have to say something on that Monday, like I was thinking about lying that I got into a car accident or something.
But I think they all knew that my family was really weird. Like my friends were used to me having to leave a sleepover because my mother would call and demand that I came home, needed to come home 'cause of a dish or something. God, that's heartbreaking, you know. Kids growing up in that abuse really have basic things get wrecked for them by the parenting And healthy parenting would've just been so into seeing you do that skit and not sabotage it like that.
How I work in sessions is, you know, I help clients work with their inner child who is stuck in that old system and help 'em develop. They're healthy adult who can make better choices for themselves or stop doing things that aren't good for them, like a visit like this. And here's what I mean. You know that story that you just told me about the talent show, is that related to the visit that you just had with your parents?
Yeah, I guess it is. Like, I guess I'm still accepting blame for their insanity or, um, choosing the wrong thing, like I choose them over the show. Or I choose them now over my wife or my family or whatever. Yes, exactly. And but you, but you and your wife, you did choose your son and you choose yourselves this time?
I did. Yeah. But I still feel totally ashamed of myself about it though. I think that that's what the panic attack was about. Right. Well, you know, you're gonna do really well in this because that's because our inner child still believes that old system stuff. Stuff like I'm a bad kid. I caused my mother's emotions.
I deserve to get physically and verbally abused by dad, um, because I caused all this. And they're trying like, well, you're nailing me a bit too hard there. Sorry. But that resonates. Yep. And over time we work on this system. We talk about. What and how a healthy family system would operate because most clients don't have a good frame of reference for that.
And we start to break some rules for the inner child by holding the toxic parents accountable for how they were abusive. Like what rules. Well, this is big and you know, most people take a while and work up to it. But breaking the loyalty rule, which is something like, it doesn't matter how abusive I am to you, you still have to show up for me and it's your fault.
I'm like this, like breaking that rule. That's a rule I'd love to break. Good. And some clients will maybe work towards a cutoff to get space to get healthier. Like we'd first establish a new rule that everyone's responsible for their own feelings, especially your parents who blame, shame and attack people for their feelings.
Another rule is having your own life and doing your own thing and doing your parenting your own way isn't selfish or betraying anybody. That's also a great rule. So we're creating, we're breaking rules, we're creating new ones, and you're in a process now. I think that those who grew up in abusive families tried to push the feelings down and just try to make it work, and then one day you kind of hit bottom with it all.
For a lot of people, it happens on a visit like you just had, where the wheels came off and it was undeniably off the rails and not safe, and not okay. And that's actually a really good place to be because you know, you see your, your family for who they really are. And from where I sit, your parents are incredibly emotionally off, probably, maybe even potentially mentally ill, given how you're describing this.
And I say that because it doesn't sound like they're aware of themselves and they quickly provoke and attack. And they can't seem to self-regulate their emotions. There's a lot of victimy perpetrator stuff, which isn't safe for your little family, especially even you like when your mother was saying like, why are you doing this to your wife?
And all that is just, that's tough to take in, but it's helpful. What do you mean safe for me? So, so you and your wife are good parents and you wanna protect your son from adult issues that are really off or overwhelming, but if it's not safe for him, your son, or if it's not safe for your wife, why is it safe for you to be in the cross hairs?
That's a really good point. So it's my inner child that wants to make things okay with my parents. Yes. Good. The inner child still lives in this kind of fantasy that the parents will change or be more loving if you present or you show up in a certain way, but it never works. That's very true. You know, I already feel like I'm more in the reality about that visit, about how abusive it was.
And insane, and not just in like in an intellectual way. I feel like I emotionally get it just sitting here. Great. I'm glad. And that means that your inner child feels seen. And you know, we gotta, we gotta go in just a minute, but I'd really like you to pick up a book. This is Bradshaw's, excuse me, Bradshaw's Homecoming.
And I'd like you to read the first four chapters. It really nails what happens to kids in terms of abuse and shame and stuckness in our adulthood. And it's also just helpful to define what abuse is. I'll get it. Thank you. This is really helpful. And in closing, I wanna address a couple things. In the first role play the like the apologist noticed the focus the whole time was that they were focused on the client's abusive mother and not the client's experience or the client.
This is extremely shame inducing to a childhood trauma survivor. Who is already vulnerable to shame. It's like that friend who says, but she's your mom. Like times a million. Um, therapists who do this in my mind really don't get the abusive family system. They may have their own personal codependency issues or personal mess going on in their own life.
And what bothers me about this attitude is like, it's a belief that everyone wins when it's usually just the perpetrator being validated. Not the person who was being abused. Um, and I think that that first role play is probably the most damaging type of therapist that we can see as someone who just really sort of makes us feel bad for our thoughts or our feelings or our reactions about an abusive person or an abusive family system.
In the second role play, that's really an old style of therapy still going on where the therapist tries to be a total blank slate. And you let the client work through what they already get from their internal wisdom. And I agree with the wisdom piece, but clients need tools, they need direction, and they need to hear that the client's parents, like in that scenario, are not safe.
And that their reactions to the parents are pretty appropriate. This style of therapy can feel incredibly like mind effy because the person with authority, the therapist is alluding to things. But not telling you like overly using a Socratic method and it can be very cerebral, kind of rabbit, holy. And you feel like you're not explaining yourself well when it's actually the therapist's vibe in their approach.
And sometimes I have clients report that they've seen that therapist who barely speaks and offers zero thoughts, and you can just feel judged in that silence, like they're waiting for you to just figure it out. Which doesn't work in my mind. The third role play. And here I'm just trying to portray an inappropriate or inexperienced therapist who just took a training that is super cool and can be applied to anything like mindfulness or CBT or DBT or somatic stuff.
You know, all of the different types of therapy are very cool. They're very, very effective. But there was a time and a place for everything. And the invalidation here is that the therapist has totally sidestepped all of the abuse that the client talked to at length. So they did offer some tools to calm down, which is really cool, but that only goes so far and doesn't get to root issues.
You can't just breathe through a really toxic, abusive family system past or present. And I'm also portraying some personal pet peeves here. Um, like having a therapist voice, having a different persona as a therapist is, no, I'm not into that so much. Or that that therapist was unprofessional, like being that late.
Or sloppy in the way that they don't know where their handouts are or resources are. And of course, the boundary issue of the Instagram thing, like, I'll befriend you and we can connect that way and talk that way is, uh, yeah, don't, you know, we don't have to even explain it. Um, and in closing, the world of therapy is honestly weird.
You know, it's rare that two practitioners who share the same view of a problem will share the exact treatment modality or attitude or approach. But one of the worst things I think for clients is to stay with the therapist out of shame or the hassle of finding someone new. Um, but you're not getting what you need or you worse, you're being convinced that your abusive family is normal and that you can't expect much from life, which is extremely wrong and invalidating.
And last thoughts. These aren't the only ways that therapists can be invalidating around childhood trauma or invalidating in general, or toxic family systems, but I want the takeaway to be for you to get a sense about what you really need and what feels safe, and where you feel heard and where you feel seen.
We can't get better without those things, and if you're not getting that, then you're. Or that you've been burned by a therapist before, you'll know. You'll know what I mean? Try to find someone when you're ready and you, you really try to interview a therapist about how they work, what they think about abusive family systems, how they get somebody from A to B because.
That client that I'm in that role play, I'm they, they probably were just call cold, calling people out of distress. I've just gotta find somebody, which I totally get, but that's what you get. Maybe when we don't interview or think about it more, or we don't know these things, I will probably do a clinical analysis after this video is released.
To explain more about from the client side and the therapist side, let me know if you would like to see more of that because it's just kind of hard to leave it here. There's probably like a bunch of questions, and as always, feel free to make a comment about what you thought about this role play or what you thought about the video.
So I hope this video was helpful to you.
