Check out this picture—here is me probably around maybe 3 years old and I'm pretty much a ball of good times, kind of like how I am now, although it took a lot of work to get back to being a ball of good times. I was the baby and I remember laughing a lot, having a lot of fun, having a lot of fun loving energy. I don't remember everything from three but I remember just being off the wall and kind of fun.
Here I am at about 11: another picture. And here I'm struggling emotionally—not just being a ginger in long sleeves on an airfield in the summer. My family didn't really believe in things like dressing appropriately for the weather, which is pretty much a sign of neglect. Raise your hand out there if you can relate to that. If we fast forward four years or so to around maybe seventh grade picture day, that fun loving energy that you see in the three-year-old pic is diminished.
Check out the faux silk shirt via the '90s. At that time in my life I remember being highly anxious, not in my body, struggling with a lot of shame but didn't quite really know that, couldn't really quite name that. I knew something was off but I was really doing my best to hide it. My home life was a mess with things like alcoholism, violence, illness. Another five years down the road and this melancholic dysthymia, like a low-grade depression, had set in that I also did my best trying to hide. I was described by my friends as being very chill, easygoing, and they weren't really aware of the mess that was going on underneath.
My whole identity was wrapped up in being a musician, which wasn't real authenticity either, but we all need something to latch on to when we grow up without a sense of self. I did a good job at appearing chill, very open, very accommodating. My personality was funny but also really down and dark. I could easily bring people down with some negativity. I obsessed a lot about if I had offended anyone and could be reactive to that. The drugs and alcohol that I started coping with around the age of 13 weren't helping.
So why am I saying all this? The point is—how do we go from this (3-year-old) to this (later)? Later in the video you'll hear a category of each personality called “isn't this just the way that I am?” and that's what I actually thought about around that time too. And also—how do we get back to this (spark of joy)? You'll also want to stick around for how to figure out maybe how to do that, which is pretty complex.
I believe we're born with this spark and personality, and it's the role of our caretakers to help that personality come more and more to light as we develop. A healthy parent helps shape what is already there and gets out of the way of the child. They notice the child's uniqueness. Yes, those who get this from a parent are super fortunate. In childhood trauma we can't really form a healthy sense of self. We can't really develop innate qualities when we're born into a vacuum.
Meaning: if a parent is abusive, toxic, not interested in us, or really off—we have to develop somehow around all that. That's what I mean about the vacuum: the absence of healthy mirroring, in the midst of it not being safe to be ourselves. No one's helping us become ourselves. If you struggle with sense of self—and I haven't met a trauma survivor who hasn't—it's because the real us usually gets buried underneath what happened to us. The real you is under there. It's under how you adapted.
As a side note, we all still have that spark. It just hasn't been in a safe environment with safe people yet to develop and come out. I was able to get mine back in therapy, specifically in a childhood trauma group where these personalities and issues could be discussed and worked with. So here is my take on five childhood trauma–based personalities and how to work on them to become more authentic.
As you listen to each of the five you might be confused because it's really going to seem like I'm describing trauma responses. Trauma personalities are really rooted in fight, flight, freeze, shame, submit, cry-for-help. It's difficult to separate the trauma response from the personality because they're so entwined.
Keep your focus on what causes these, as opposed to feeling down about yourself or experiencing shame if you identify with one. You're probably going to identify with two out of the five.
Doer: The doer personality is based on taking action to avoid feelings, especially childhood ones. They can be high-achieving, workaholic, focused on “doing things right,” reactive, problem-solvers, moralistic, or chaotic but still doing. They dislike mistakes, ambiguity, or slowness. They skip feelings and go to action. Their trauma roots are in the flight response. Childhood often set them up to achieve or fix as coping—like cleaning the house in chaos, or striving for perfection in rigid families.
In intimacy, doers can be hard to connect with. They treat connection like a to-do list item. They often feel this is just “who I am”—businesslike, creative, or productive. But underneath, they may be lonely.
Treatment: therapy and groups that bring them into feelings, slow them down, and expand their tolerance for emotions.
Hostile: The hostile is rooted in the fight response. They can be defensive, argumentative, critical, control-seeking, or intense. Not hostile 24/7, but prone to explosions. Childhood roots: high-conflict families, scapegoating, neglect, powerlessness, emotionally immature parents. Hostility can feel normal to them.
In intimacy, hostiles create distance by making others unsafe, needing superiority, or confusing control for love. Their fantasy is “just listen to me and we'll be fine.”
Treatment: softening, self-compassion, validation of childhood rage, interpersonal groups where they get feedback, learning to accept others as they are.
The Darkness: Rooted in fawn and freeze, the darkness is hopeless, negative, self-deprecating, moralistic, rigid, anxious, or depressive. They can bring others down, feel comforted in sadness, or believe they're too much of a mess to be loved. Childhood roots: contempt, betrayal, neglect, hopeless or negative parents.
In intimacy, darkness struggles to relate without negativity. They might push partners away by saying, “You'll get sick of me.” Their fantasy: “love me for my truth that nothing works.”
Treatment: therapy to process grief, mend the broken heart, notice the present is different. Groups can show them how negativity creates distance.
The Ghost: Ruled by freeze, the ghost is avoidant, aloof, hard to know, often disappearing emotionally or literally. Childhood roots: neglect, loneliness, shutdown parents, too much chaos or intensity. They learned to shut down and hide.
In intimacy, ghosts go numb, mute, or avoid. They might want connection but retreat. Partners can feel lonely, misinterpreting avoidance as dishonesty. Ghosts often think “this is just who I am” (introverted), but it's really trauma.
Treatment: therapy and groups where they're encouraged to show up more, express themselves, and take small risks in connection.
Are We Good: This is the people-pleasing, fawn-rooted personality. They check in constantly, give away power, avoid conflict, and chase okayness in relationships. Childhood roots: abusive, addicted, or narcissistic parents; shame-based families; being blamed for everything. They became hyper-attuned to others' moods.
In intimacy, they can exhaust partners with constant checking, lose themselves in care-taking, and fail to recognize abuse. Their fantasy: “I just want to finally be acceptable to you.”
Treatment: therapy and groups that encourage anger, self-respect, and boundaries. 12-step groups like Al-Anon, ACA, or CoDA can help.
Final Thoughts: Many of these overlap. You'll usually have a primary and secondary. They can shift in recovery (like I shifted from “Are We Good” to “Hostile” when I accessed anger). Treatment: become more real about childhood, process anger and grief, hold parents accountable, find authenticity in connection with others.
We came up with these personalities to survive. Don't shame yourself—they kept you safe. But they can be softened, shifted, and healed. Recovery comes from realness, emotional risk-taking, and mirroring from safe people.
Resources like therapy, groups, or communities can help. Please know these personalities are fixable.
And as always, may you be filled with loving kindness, may you be well, may you be peaceful and at ease, and may you be joyous. I will see you next.
