So I think it must have been '97 or '98 when I had my first Thanksgiving after doing a cut off from my family. And I don't remember the first Christmas, but I do remember that Thanksgiving. The year prior I had started therapy for childhood trauma, and then joined a childhood trauma therapy group, that really changed my life. And that work in that group, was the support that I needed, to go through with that kind of cut off. And I made my first turkey, and celebrated it with a good friend who I played in bands with, in my apartment that I shared with roommates, who were coworkers at this restaurant that I worked at the time, And I had also just moved out of my family, my childhood home the year before, and my roommates were out that Thanksgiving, and away with their families, and we had the apartment to ourselves. The apartment was a quaint, rustic New England triple decker, with the second floor with the double porches, one was enclosed so I could smoke my butts in the winter; no problem! Loved it, loved that apartment! luckily I had a really good people to live with me, in that apartment through those years. But that period of my life was rough due to processing my trauma, and sitting with the grief through the therapy that I was doing. I even got sober and healthier in that apartment, and eventually I quit smoking too there. Me leaving home around that time, like many childhood trauma survivors, wasn't like a rite of passage, like heading off to college or something like that. It was more like a nasty divorce, or I felt like a refugee escaping something, and escaping my family's system at the time, was really the best thing that I ever did. But the alien feeling of not being connected to a family around the holidays, was really rough. Super painful when friends or coworkers would just hop on buses or "go home", because that didn't really exist for me, because literally, the childhood home was now gone. So we had this really quiet and somewhat sad Thanksgiving, that was good enough. And my friend, they had their own sort of family problems, and I was just grateful to not be alone on that day. I was about 20 years old, but had I not done that cut off, here is what that Thanksgiving that year would have looked like: my fragmented, remaining nuclear family would have gotten together, and pretended that there wasn't huge glaring issues in the family. You could probably cut the recent drama in the family with a knife at that gathering. We would have sat through hours of watching a parent drink themselves into a weepy mess, despite asking them not to drink, and them agreeing, that they wouldn't drink before the holiday. There would have been tension with the other family members about that parent's drinking; like who wasn't watching them enough, or who wasn't trying their hardest to make the best of it. I would have been indirectly or directly shamed if I took a walk or got real about what was going on. And the BS about how good the food was, just to distract ourselves from the mess unfolding in front of us, or engaging in the family's ways of connecting, which is either through gossip, or recounting who let the family down or who let the alcoholic parent down; like we would be enabling their resentments and ignoring what was their responsibility and things. You might even get blamed and shamed for the parent's drinking because you weren't thoughtful enough to pick up the parent before they picked up alcohol. And I think the worst of it would have been the emotional hangover, or that I would have gone into my reliable survival response, which is to really check out, shut down, leave my body...existential crisis. What I just described to you actually was a family gathering that took place in that same apartment, around that time before I did the cut off. At that event, I remember needing to take a break and going into my rented room, and try to regroup and ground myself, before going back out to my alcoholic parent's intoxication and mess. In addition, the elephant in the room was that the year prior, my little nuclear family had its biggest schism in the family and this abuse event that led to me moving out, all due to the parents alcoholism. So I wanted to share a little bit of the before, the during, and the after, Common Family Cut Off Issues regarding my own family cut off. Here are some common cutoff issues that people experience, and I've gotten emails, asking for some guidance on the complex issue of managing a cut off, and I'm going to try to do my best here. For those that emailed me, thank you! I get them. I read them. And I'm sorry that I can't respond to all of them, but I very much appreciate you and I very much appreciate your situations. Try to think about this video, as both exploring why to do a cut off, but also maybe navigating the really triggering and unsettling issues that come up in one. Try to think about this video as both exploring why to do a cut off, but also navigating the really triggering and unsettling issues that come up in one, like whether you're either about to initiate a cut off or you're in the middle of one and you're dealing with things like the holidays or the family dynamics around the cut off. Let's explore what I see as common issues that childhood trauma survivors face when they initiate a cut off or they're navigating one. The issues can look like cutting off a parent or a sibling, but still being in contact with other family members, or siblings or family members retaliating by cutting you off, or being manipulative to you. after you cut off/do a cut off with say a parent, or parents or family members crossing major boundaries, and connecting with your partner, or your children to get sympathy, or get an ally to team up against you, or parents going full drama after you cutting them off, like showing up to your home, showing up to work, and aggressively going after you to talk. This is a hard one: being tormented about having to leave a vulnerable family member behind, if you were to do a cut off- that one is brutal. or being gaslit, demonized, retaliated against, monkey business, shenanigans by the family. And I know that this sounds counterintuitive to a cut off, but doing a cut off and there's just radio silence, like no reaction, kind of an F you to your F you - like it was too easy for them to accept that you're out, which, that might be a blessing, but it can still be hard. And like in another video that I did, on ways a toxic family will shame you around a cut off; A parent or a family member can rally the extended family to shame you, or other family members trying to bridge. You could also experience just judgment from friends, about doing a cut off. And a deep issue is being somewhat numb or shut down, or removed from doing a cut off, like removed from the feelings. And it's a symptom of childhood trauma, and growing up with it and abuse, to not have big feelings about things, and that can kind of freak us out. Or simply like that Thanksgiving I mentioned, an issue is simply dealing with and processing the feelings of grief that comes with doing a cut off. Whatever your situation is, please know that doing a cut off is the most painful thing I ever did, with the greatest shift in results in my recovery. That being said, not everyone needs to do a cut off. I have clients that they have a family system that they're manageable in a surfacey way, or the dysfunction doesn't get in the way of having a good enough or superficial relationship with them. But the majority of my clients do need time away from their family to better heal the parts that make them engage with their family in ways that isn't good for them; like people pleasing or rescuing, or not speaking up about others being abused, or just staying stuck in the trauma system that did all the abuse. So I always advocate as much as possible, for space from an abusive family, when we are working on trying to heal. Connect With Me If you're new to me or new to the channel, welcome! of this video below. Reminders About Why You Left Or Why You Want To Leave So let's get into some reminders about why you left, or why you might want to leave. The options around a cut off are really not that great. On one hand is to go along with the status quo - where the family is just as abusive or as off as always. But they're your family, and they're all you got, but they're very comfortable with retraumatizing you or gaslighting you, and they have no interest in any healthy change. On the other hand, we do the incredibly hard footwork of separating ourself, from our family system, and finding a healthier place in the world for ourselves. Cut offs are not just about getting space from the toxic system. That's not the only goal. The goal is to create space to heal, to get away from the source of our negative core belief system, and to nurture and cultivate a healthier sense of self, in a healthier community. Let's look at some of the issues that got us here, whether you're contemplating a cut off, or dealing with issues around a cut off. If you ever second guess yourself, you can come back to this video as a resource or a reminder. What probably got you here to this point, just like where I was in my own family cutoff, is, the reasons can look like any of the following: A big reason is, not being seen. This can range from being taken advantage of financially, like credit cards being opened up in your name, to the family, ignoring or denying that you were sexually assaulted, or simply that not seeing you outside of the role the family puts you in, like scapegoat or hero or the kid who doesn't need anything, which is like the neglected child. Not being seen, is also wrapped up in not being able to affect your family. Just like in my example about setting a boundary around a parent drinking, and they just get wasted anyway, and blast through that boundary despite agreeing to it. Another reason is the family is toxic around your kids or your spouse. This is a big one, and I've had a lot of clients who have their own children, really struggle with having them around the grandparent who is abusive to the other grandparent or to you, or to your spouse or to others, or they're emotionally off around your kids. Narcissistic parents or family members are constantly grooming potential allies, and we'll come back to this later in the video, when we focus on values. Another reason is, is you're blamed. Toxic families scapegoat other members as a way to distract themselves from the real abuse and toxicity, which is them. And you're blamed for that, you needed to be picked up at the airport, or you didn't get the right gifts, or that you spoke up against a sexually off family member. In my example, my family would blame me for 'causing' the alcoholic to go on binges, if I set a boundary or challenged them or got real. And in short, things are easily turned around on you. Another reason are safety issues. Everyone's trauma is and family is different. It can range from having to block a family member, from being abusive to you over text, or we might actually need police involvement or restraining orders. And then you're blamed for needing a restraining order, whether it's personal texts to you, or incredibly risky behavior like starting physical fights in public. And I've had clients where their spouse was physically attacked by a toxic parent, and the family continues to dismiss that. And I've had clients who themselves get attacked by a parent at family gatherings, and the family took no action about it. Another reason is simply abuse. Like you go to Thanksgiving and there's teasing over your sexual preferences, or your politics, or just ridicule about your career choices. Like you are the toxic family system's entertainment, and the target for passive aggressive and sarcastic contempt. And the last reason is, the values are off. Say the family engages in like a religious community, but that's entirely for superiority or to others, or for show. Say the family acts superior, or that it looks good on paper, as a way to mask, like it's enmeshment or neglectful parenting. Say the family revolves around one abusive, toxic, family member who abuses others, but the family codependently thinks that ignoring it, is the best course of action. Like the horrifically abusive aunt or uncle or sibling, that lives with your parents, is never held accountable for when they act out or when they instigate. And these are all value examples around choosing what looks good, or choosing to avoid things, over doing what's right. So that's some of the reasons what got us here. Lastly, is you don't have to compare your trauma or your family to justify your cut off. If your family doesn't get physically violent with your partner or gets into financial abuse, but they are hopelessly stuck in their codependency or substance abuse. That's reason enough to get some space, like it's okay. Some Goals To Reset Ourselves Now let's look at some goals, to reset our commitment to the idea of doing a cut off. Here are some concepts that I've learned, that help us stay in the following goals around the cut off. There are three goals that I have going on. The first goal is, to sit in your truth and to not give in. Don't give in just because the cut off is uncomfortable. The second goal, is to embrace the discomfort. If you're uncomfortable with the cut off, you're doing it right. That's what to expect with these things. And the third goal, is to trade the discomfort in exchange for a new, healthier life. Like the price of the discomfort is that you're paying for the healing space, you're paying for the peace, you're exchanging being directly abused, for choosing to process your family system through grief, which leads to growth and healing and change. For example, the change and the benefits look like if you survived in your family system by being submissive or compliant, you most likely do that in your career, or with your partners or your kids even. A cut off from that source, gives you the motivation to not engage like that with your kids or with work or your partner. And the cut off creates the head space, and the safety to start changing that behavioral stuff. Staying in the family system reinforces those submissive or compliant beliefs, that our inner child thinks it still needs to do to survive, which it doesn't. So let's apply these three goals to Three Specific Cut Off Scenarios - Grandparents and Your Children some specific cut off issues and scenarios. The first is, the tricky one of the issue around a cut off where there's grandparents and your children. So I often get requests about this situation, where the person doing a cut off has children, and they're struggling with not having their kids see the abusive parents, who are now the grandparents. So if they were a client, I would be supporting them through the following ideas, and keep those goals in mind. Coming back to the values I would ask them- Do you value the grandparents off behavior? Do you value protecting your children from those abusive and off behaviors? If they weren't your parents (let's just say they were neighbors), would you want them involved with your family? I know that might sound odd. I often have clients that hate seeing grandma abuse grandpa in front of their kids or vice versa, or they hate seeing the grandparent try to mold and shape the grandchildren into, like, abusive beliefs: like men or women are stupid, or kids don't have feelings, or it's simply OK to make fun of, scare or humiliate someone in the family. If you don't hold those values, and don't parent your children like that, then it's healthy to not expose your kids to that stuff. Your children are also smart. They probably see it and feel it too. If it's cringey and icky to you, then it's probably like that for them if they're beyond the age of, say two. Another issue or another thing that I would be supporting in it, is coaching around- how do you explain it to your children? Explaining such a cut off to a child, is really tricky and most likely heartbreaking for you. I think that a teenager will be able to understand better than, say, a four year old, but I think it's okay to inform your kids from a place of simply the truth, and what you value. Like saying to your kids, we're not seeing nana and oppa this year because they struggle with treating people with kindness and respect, and we value kindness and respect. It's simply OK to just sort of call it as it is, but you have to kind of gauge about what the developmental age of your kid, and what they can really understand. So another idea that I would be working with clients around, and this is the most powerful idea I think, is when I ask clients who have small children, or when their kids were small, if they would be comfortable having the grandparents watch the children or babysit. Most say they're not comfortable in any way, and that's outside of geriatric issues or cognitive decline issues. And then when I talk about it, if the grandparents aren't safe for your kids, what makes them safe for you, or for your spouse? If your kids aren't safe with them, then you and your inner child aren't emotionally safe with your parents either. So there's that scenario. Three Specific Cut Off Scenarios - Cutting Out Some Family But Not All Let's move into the scenario where we're cutting out some family, but not all. Let's say the sibling or another parent attacks you, or plays leverage with you: like demanding you apologize, or take back your cut off, and if not, they're going to cut you out. This one can even be applied as simply getting pushback, or being shamed around cutting off one abusive family member. Which, by the way, this is usually very complicated. If you don't have other members in the family, who are working on being healthy themselves. We usually don't have that in this work. Cut offs are really seen as petty, as radical, as entitled, as abandoning and morally wrong, in the eyes of a toxic family. But again, we don't let toxic people tell us who we are anymore. If a client of mine was in this scenario, I'd be supporting them through the following ideas- While it's painful, sitting in your truth and not giving in, might take realizing the following things: The person has a totally different idea of what the family is than you do. That's one thing. The other thing is: they don't have to get it actually, and you don't have to give in or agree. Another is the person is part of that system, especially if they don't get it, and the system protects the most toxic person. Remember to think about what you personally value. Another way I would sort of coach them around this, is, these are very painful scenarios, but at some point your truth, and having the family member understand, are at a total impasse. Choosing yourself and letting the person go might be helped, by looking at the following ideas around our codependency- One is: half safe people are not safe. Another is, the person that you might really want and need in your life, is choosing the toxic family over you, because it's easier to disappoint you, and let you down, and put you into that old role, than it is to go after, sort of, the toxic family member or the toxic system. That's a big one. They are also engaging in victim blaming, and manipulation and lines in the sand. Who did they learn from in your family system? Where did they get that from? And I wish I had better advice, but like my mentor Amanda Curtin says about the abusive family, which is, you have nothing to really work with. And I find that nearly all childhood trauma survivors, including myself. At some point I was looking for an easier, softer way to make things work, until we realize what the family system really is. And that takes a long time. That takes a long process to get there. About the half safe family member, even if they don't manipulate you, but yet they don't support you. That's what I mean by 'half safe'. You can also just not engage in the topic with them, of the cut off and redirect the conversation, or simply set a boundary, that you're not really going to come together, on the issue of the cut off. So, there's that. Three Specific Cut Off Scenarios - Dealing With the Feelings Post-Cut Off Let's do another. Let's simply look at dealing with the feelings of grief and pain, after a cut off, especially around the holidays. You might be in the feelings of having just done a cut off, or you did one a long time ago, but there's really a special kind of loneliness that comes up, when you're orphaned by choice around the holidays. And I think the hardest thing for me was seeing other people with seemingly healthier family relationships, go and have that time with them, especially like when I had done that cut off, it was still very fresh. When I have a client who is in this space, or they're about to do a cut off. They know that once they do it, there will be a lot of big feelings that come with it. But, there is usually also some instant feelings of empowerment or relief, but it's no small thing to remove ourselves from our family. There's some sadness that follows, especially on special days. So here's how I would support clients who are in this space. I'd work with them on creating two lists, one being the reasons why they did the cut off in the first place, or they're about to. And this list consists of concrete situations, like dad losing it at your wedding over nothing, the financial stuff, the physical, emotional or sexual abuse, the protecting of perpetrators, the gaslighty, smoke and mirrors stuff, or simply the sad stuckness in the family. The other part of the list, is I would write down what you would gain from the cut off, like the space, the peace, the empowerment, the final real acknowledgement to yourself, about the truth about your family, not having to be submissive, not having to subject yourself to the constant criticism, not exposing yourself or your spouse or your kids, to the gross, off behavior or the toxic modeling. And you get to create a new path with your own values, such as respecting other people, owning your stuff instead of deflecting it. Advocating more for victims of abuse, as opposed to enabling abusers. And the best is allowing yourself the space to simply become you; not what your family role is, and not what they expect you to be. So that's the first exercise. The second one, is I would support a client in the space and encourage them to find some community. That can look like any of the following: Finding support with likeminded people, which feels maybe a lot like the comment section to these videos. Finding a group such as ACoA or online forums about family abuse, or a group therapy, if that's possible. And then making it okay, for you to be part of somebody else's gathering, and not isolating yourself. Another is, to create your own holiday celebration with fellow orphans. And if you have to be alone, make it a special occasion with your inner child, and really talk to them about, while it might be sad, it's safer, and you're there for them, protecting them. Like the adult you did this cut off, on behalf of your inner child. Final Thoughts So some final thoughts. I hope this video either helps you on your journey in a cut off, or resets your reasons or simply answers some questions. Family cut offs present a wide range of complicated issues and that there really isn't enough time to get to all of them. But here are some additional notes. Cut offs can be much harder, when the abuse behavior is more covert and manipulative, versus being loud and blatant. It's somewhat easier when the family or the person is off the charts visibly abusive, like physical threats, physical violence, substance abuse, off sexual behaviors. It's harder to leave when there is, say, a parent who is covert and mind F-y but doesn't exhibit something loud, or blatant like domestic violence. But abuse is abuse. Another idea for perspective, is clients who start work with me who are already in a cut off, tend to do better in their recovery. If they have the distance between themselves and their family, they have so much more head and emotional space to do work on themselves. It's harder when you're mid cut off or still in the family system to find that space and energy to heal. And lastly, again, the hardest and the best thing I've ever done in my life, is separated myself from my family system in order to heal. It felt like really diving into a pool, not knowing how deep or how shallow it was. But it was breaking free from an abusive system, and getting space, allowed me to create my own family, my own healthy identity, a better belief system about people and the world. And it allowed me to create intimacy, and a sense of community that I wouldn't trade for the world. I couldn't have done all that by being stuck and swimming in all my family's muck and drama, while still being abused. Outro So I hope that that was helpful to you in some ways. And as always: 25:44
