Hey, everybody, welcome back to the channel.
And this is my new favorite possession.
I moved to the south and went to a flea market,
and I've got myself a Hawaiian shirt! It's casual Friday,
here at patrickteahantherapy.com And I hope you like the shirt!
But this video is going to be about... there's a lot of videos....
We talk a lot about triggers, we talk a lot about toxic family systems...
We talk a lot about narcissism. We talk a lot about the inner child.
And a lot of these videos about mental health are sort of like...
... 'Top nine signs that you might have this!' or
'Your family was like that!' So I want to do a little bit of a different video today,
about giving you guys some recovery ideas.
And I have nine recovery ideas that are hopefully helpful to you,
and I'm just going to dive into them, and I want
you to really stick around for number one.
So number nine: is my first recovery idea about childhood trauma
is to simply, because it's in line with my channel,
is to do some inner child work in context of your childhood.
And what I mean by that is, the inner child is not just like:
'My inner child is sad'. 'My inner child wants pizza' ...
is that work, it's the inner child concept, tends to be more of
like a pop psych kind of a thing or an Instagram post,
when it really is a part of our system.
I really look at the inner child, as part of our limbic system,
and our amygdala, and semantically if you have a hard time
with the concept of the inner child, you could just think about it
as part of your trauma brain, or the emotional memory system.
So, some ideas around doing some inner child work, is you can always
check out John Bradshaw's 'Home Coming', which is a book that I love
And one of my favorite clients really recommended a book to me by a
to me by a guy named John Pollard. He wrote a book called
'Self Parenting' that this person swears by.
It's very, very helpful about the adult
and the inner child conversations and dialogue.
So there's number nine, is to do some inner child work.
You can also check out on this channel,
I have the Adult and the Inner Child Recovery series, which
gets all in and out about the conversations to have with our
inner child, some inner child concepts.
And you can start there as a place, or recommend those two books.
And I'll have those two books in the links in the description.
So that's number nine.
Number eight, is what I call 'find some
Find some equals, instead of striving to be normal,
or catching up with the rest of the world.
You can get from the comments in this channel,
there's so many of you out there, and who struggle with a toxic
family system and struggle with child abuse.
And it's way more common than you think.
So it's very, very freeing.
And a huge chunk of recovery is to find our
If groups really freak you out.
I don't think I've met a client yet that wasn't freaked out by group,
because I think our first group is our family, like
my mentor Amanda Curtain says.
And I think that that is very, very true.
So some ideas: jump on Psychology Today or Good Therapy.
I'm not affiliated with them. Find a group.
You could find an anxiety group, a depression group,
a mindfulness group, some kind of group.
And that's a good enough place to start there. Even if it's not a trauma
group, if it's your first psychotherapy group, maybe start lighter.
and once you have that experience with that. If you can't get into a
a group or you can't afford therapy, I know that that's a huge issue.
I actually really recommend Adult Children of Alcoholics,
as well as Co-Dependents Anonymous, two 12 Step programs
That right now they're probably still on Zoom, and they are very good,
especially ACOA, even if you didn't grow up
in an alcoholic family system.
A lot of the work that I do in my own group is sort of borrowed
from the ACOA model.
There's genograms, and there's family roles and that stuff.
So that is a great place to start as well as CoDA,
if you can't sort of afford. And again, those are available on Zoom.
Please know that those programs, there are two issues in all
12 step programs for trauma survivors.
A- is the spiritual component,
which can rub people really the wrong way.
I try to tell people to just take what you like, and leave the rest.
The other thing is that 12 step programs are not run by clinicians,
they are run by volunteers. And 12 Step changed my life.
I really highly recommend it, but know, I know that it is,
sort of, not for everybody. And if that... you know
you can also find groups, sort of like you know, Facebook, Instagram...
just be part of a feed, be part of a Reddit
get to the other suggestions sort of that I have, there's lots of
C-PTSD from what I know of Reddit communities out there,
that share a lot of knowledge and are really good.
This is a big one! Find a therapist
...and I know that this is loaded....
Find a therapist where you're doing work, and not just talking.
And again, I know that therapy is expensive.
There's a lot of barriers to therapy.
That's why I want to put a lot of this content out on this, so that people
have a resource for where I know a lot of you can't get to therapy,
but, find a therapist if you can.
And that's really the crucial part to healing I think,
where you're not just doing all the talking or it's not all talk.
So I can't tell you how many clients I've had that discuss
prior therapists who seem to be like they're waiting for the client
to shift, or have big epiphanies, or insights, or whatever.
And there's not a lot of action going on,
of the work that those two people are doing.
Sometimes that's appropriate.
Sometimes that's what people need is a general, really light
talk therapist, to get them through from A to B, or to get
them through a situation.
But if you're seeking to do work on your toxic family system
and trauma, therapists who are like that are probably not
going to get you there.
So you can jump on Psychology Today or Good Therapy,
again, I'm not affiliated with either of those.
Those are search engines to find somebody in your area.
Ask for a sliding scale, ask for pro bono if you can't really afford it.
I tell people that it's almost like have an attitude of,
like beg, borrow or steal, when it comes to try to get yourself into
somebody because it's so discouraging, to find a therapist.
And also guys, think outside the box, meaning we're still in this mindset, like 'oh, there's no one local to me that does that kind of work'.
Look elsewhere! So many therapists because of the pandemic,
are doing so much more, like, remote work and telehealth.
So, that's what I recommend there.
When you're looking through profiles for therapists, I avoid
therapists who cover a lot, a lot of specialties,
and they do many, many things.
Like they'll work with, sort of someone with, sort of like you know,
psychotic disorders, AND they'll do trauma, AND they'll do couples.
I find that they're...you know, I want you guys to find people who really
focus on one or two things, and they do that really well. I recommend doing some EMDR work with somebody,
as well as some Internal Family Systems stuff.
Or if you can find somebody that does inner child work.
Needle in the haystack I know, but try.
Number six is move your body, get out of your head.
What I mean by 'get out of your head' is, a simple definition
of childhood trauma is, when, as children, we leave our emotional
body and we go into our head, because our thoughts are
more about 'what's the next crazy thing that's going to happen?'
'Is dad mad?', 'Is mom mad?', 'What did I do?'
So those, that's the beginnings of hypervigilance.
So most trauma survivors are in their head.
Some symptoms, what that looks like is: tossing and turning at night
about what you said to people, living in regret,
having fights in your head with people, being overly intellectual,
thinking about what your feelings are, and not knowing, as opposed to
just intuitively knowing, is an example of being in our head.
So, being in our head is also really not a great neighborhood to be in.
You know like, there's a lot going on there. We perseverate a lot.
So, I want to challenge you guys a little bit, as you're watching this
video, have you been scrolling too much today? Are you doing, like,
mood dependent behavior, like 'I'll start exercising when I feel better?'
That's like mood dependent behavior.
Do you feel stuck right now?
So at the end of this video, if there's any takeaway,
can you get up and take a walk, to move your body a little bit,
to take some exercise?
If the apartment or the house is a little bit messy,
can you rally a little bit, and sort of do some stuff?
I know this stuff seems like pedantic or whatever, or infantilizing
or whatever, but I can't tell you how many people really get into
a stuck place, especially when they're triggered.
And when we move our body, I think we start to move the body
around, and help process some adrenaline that might be kind
of going on in our system.
So, if you can jump rope, if you can take a walk, if you can do some
push ups, if you can do some yoga, which is applied to another,
sort of one of these tips, later on in the video, that would be incredible.
And just to sort of use moving your body, as a tool in the toolbox,
as opposed to something that 'uh... later for that, I'll get to that later.'
Stuckness breeds stuckness. It's not our fault,
but we do have a choice in the day about moving around.
And I also want to be sensitive to those with a disability.
Please don't take this personally.
I understand that this is not going to be one that applies to you,
and I want to be sensitive to that.
So that's number six. Number five- 'Find a somatic practitioner'.
Doing some somatic work, which is body work, or movement focused
work can be incredible, especially if we're sort of in our head.
To be traumatized again, it means to be in our head,
and consciousness needs to be returned to the body.
Somatic practitioners will cultivate...help clients have a
felt sense, to cultivate a higher intelligence
about what's going on with our body and maybe have a better
relationship with our body.
Some examples of somatic work: Emotional Freedom Technique
something called EFT, which I know is sort of tapping.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing.
I wish they named it something else! But we know that as just EMDR
I'm a big advocate for EMDR.
That's a wonderful sort of therapy, to sort of get into.
Doing some focusing, some somatic focusing work, some
somatic experiencing, which is probably the experiential of really
being tied, dialed into your body in the here and now.
And you can also try something called tension and trauma releasing
something called TRE.
So an example- If I were to ask you guys right now
about an example of somatic stuff,
if I were to ask you 'if you close your eyes and think about one or both
of your toxic parents, can you dial into your body and notice anything?'
Is your chest tight? does your shoulders crunch up?
Does something go on in, like the pit of your stomach?
Or is there sort of a certain level of numbness, or feeling nothing there?
We can...it's a weird concept,
but we can actually be aware of the feeling of numbness.
So, that's what I mean about doing some somatic work.
In a story, the benefit to doing some somatic work,
we're more tuned in to our body, calmer.
We cultivate a deeper relationship with ourself, like doing
inner child work, and our body will tell its story.
Many of you love the Bessel van der Kolk book- so do I-
'The Body Keeps the Score', so that's why I'm recommending
some, doing some somatic work.
The next one, is almost like self, like a self kind of program.
is the issue of consistency.
Number four, is to be consistent about something, for let's just
say a month, some small promises to yourself of doing
some kind of program.
You can even use the comment section as this, almost like as
accountability, where you're like: 'day 16 of trying to eat less sugar'.
So small promises: can you go half caff for a month,
if you have a caffeine addiction? Can you get into this pattern
of making your bed?
Can you commit to stop apologizing upfront for things, for say,
a month and really make a conscious effort to do that?
Can you go to bed an hour earlier than your usual, like, 3.00 am?
And I know this may also sound like a pedantic recommendation.
It's not so much about the thing... it's coming back to inner child work,
is inner children, watch the adult part of you.
So if you guys feel like you can't follow through on anything,
when you don't, your inner child is like, 'I knew you wouldn't'.
There's that self-talk thing that we have going on.
This one, about the consistency, It's not like I want you guys to make...
...I don't really care if you make your bed.
I mean, I care, but I don't really care so much about making
the bed for a month.
I care about your self-esteem and what it feels like afterward,
because this program is about getting your adult in place.
It's really about like: 'I did it!'
You know, you can feel like you have a little bit more mastery
of the world, if you're getting to bed at like, 11 as opposed to 1.30
and we just feel better.
So it's more about some accountability for the adult, because
the inner child is definitely going to sort of like nab you, or clobber you.
And that's where that contributes to the stuckness.
So that one is really about getting our adult in place.
Number three, is what I call 'nail your family system'.
What I mean by that, is really understand the family that
you come from, because talk therapists, don't and won't
help you with that. So try any of my e-courses.
You could start with a genogram- that's actually an excellent one,
because that's really about your family tree of origin.
To really understand the dynamics, the situations, and really
think from a different place, about what would it be like for
a child growing up in your family?
Would they struggle with career? Would they struggle with intimacy?
Would they struggle with partners?
Would they struggle with the relationship to self?
So, to nail the toxicity in our family system, the benefits are,
you have insight into how you think and feel,
and what you believe about yourself.
You have a deeper knowledge about that.
And the things that we struggle with, they don't just exist
in the vacuum. You're not.
If you're like, mid 30s and you feel like you can't kind of get it together,
that's not just, 'cause...' If you really look back to your family system
and using some of these tools, you're gonna gain some, like,
'Oh, yeah, of course!' You know what I mean?
Like, my parents modeled a gross power struggle.
So that's why I don't have a lot of faith in relationships!
So that's what I mean, about nailing the family system.
And if you can nail your family system, and if you are seeing
a therapist and you feel stuck, doing some work around your
family system can really get things going in therapy,
about stuff you might want to talk about. That you want to talk about
how your brother was scapegoated and you were the golden child,
or you were less of a target. That's a big deal.
So that's what I mean about that stuff.
Knowing your family system creates a very good
foundation about your recovery,
Because otherwise we're just kind of free-floating.
Like, 'why am I depressed? Why am I in anxiety?'
And that actually is, that actually is a pet peeve of mine...
About when people talk about anxiety and depression,
just in a vacuum, as if it's...you know I get it-
There's chemical stuff, but we don't talk enough about
what happened to people.
Number two is a weird one....
...is: know what you bring to the table!
Do you make yourself small around others?
And are you sure that people want that from you?
Are you judgmental? Where did you learn that from?
Are you reactive and rooted in negativity?
Like when I left my family system, like, I was a gossip.
I love negativity.
And there's this wonderful meditation guy that I follow,
called Adyashanti, and he says negativity is really sticky,
it's like it wants something from you.
Positivity is like a free experience.
It doesn't want anything from you.
Like, if I were to sort of say like,
'did you guys hear what my neighbor did over there?'
Like 'Can you believe the thing over there?'. That's sticky.
If I were to sort of to say, 'my neighbor is doing a good job
at his lawn', we're all like 'cool beans', you know?
So, my family was marinated in gossip and toxicity, so I would
to know when I would have my first jobs, and people didn't really,
really you know, people would be just like, 'ah, I don't, I'm not really...'
people didn't get me, or they wouldn't like it when I would
want to gossip, and I was just, like, baffled by that.
So that's what I mean about 'know what you bring to the table'.
If you apologize for everything, you go to a party with your
friends and you're just full of shame and apologizing,
or you're like that at work, is people don't want that from you.
Take it from me.
Is that, now when you're like that, they now have to take care of you,
and you may, that might be really removed from you
because of our family system, we don't get the mirroring.
We don't get mirroring. We don't get the mirroring.
So this is what I mean by that one, and how you can know,
is by therapy, or asking those close to you.
You probably already do know, about how you are
in social settings. And please don't take this as criticism.
The way that you are, when I...the way that I was,
with being sort of gossipy and super negative and super intense is,
of course I was, given where I came from,
because that's where I learned it.
Lastly, number one, the most important one that I have,
it's also hopefully it's going to make sense to you,
is simply, 'get out'. If you take nothing from this video, is,
if you are in a toxic family system situation
or if you're in a toxic relationship, have a goal of getting out.
Many people comment on these videos, that they're 16,
they're living at home, they're a teenager or even younger.
Is, you know, the only good news that I think I might have,
for those who are in that situation is you have YouTube to confirm your
experience or validate your experience, if you are being abused,
if you are growing up in toxicity,
but, if you are in it,
the only game plan that you should have, is to get out of it,
because we can't heal, if we have perpetrators living with us.
I know that that's a bummer, but I want to be clear about that.
I get that question a lot, is that they are in a really narcissistic,
you know, relationship with a narcissist,
or someone who is abusive.
And how do I work with my inner child on that?
Is, it's almost like, healing comes later.
It's the leaving that comes first. And you guys can sort of check me
on this or ask questions or argue with me on it.
I know your situation is: if you're asking that question,
you're in a dire situation.
So I want to be very sensitive to that.
But some ideas about a goal of getting out, long term goal:
if you're a teenager, sort of figure out a way or think about
a way to sort of leave. When I have clients that come to me
and they left for college and never looked back, or left to do something
around that age, is, come up with some kind of strategy to leave.
You'd be amazed at how much space you create within yourself
if you get out of a toxic relationship.
So that's my main message with this one.
And I want to be sensitive to how difficult your situations are,
but again, is if we're trying to tell our inner child that we're safe
that people are good, that they were a good kid,
and we're getting abused, or we get into a fight that night with a
family member, it's like one step forward, seven steps back.
I just find that it just doesn't work.
So that's really what I mean by that.
So that's, those are my tips, those are my sort of my recovery ideas.
I hope you find that it was helpful.
If you liked this video, hit the subscribe button.
Hit any of these buttons except the thumbs down button.
You can't miss with any of the buttons except that one, I guess!
And you can check out all the links in the description of the video,
of those two books I mentioned, as well as I might throw up the
ACOA and the CoDA websites, if I can find them.
And you can check out my website to look at those e-courses,
that will also be in the description of this video.
You can also get in contact me through the website.
Then there's Instagram. And that's all for now.
And as always, guys, may you be filled with loving kindness,
may you be well, may be peaceful and at ease, may you be joyous!
I will see you later.
