How Parents React to NO CONTACT

Patrick Teahan, MSW breaks down the common ways toxic parents react when their adult child goes no contact, from guilt-tripping and flying monkeys to victim narratives, helping survivors prepare for and navigate these predictable responses.

By Patrick Teahan

so what are they going to say what are they going to do about going no contact how are they going to talk about it with others like extended family and I hope to answer those questions for you in this video about how a parent reacts to their child going no contact all of those questions are usually what childhood trauma survivors wrestle with when they're considering going no contact with a parent that is abusive dysfunctional or even toxic going no contact is really a complex and tricky issue that is highly personal and for context of this video This is for those who have experienced childhood trauma and there is a big disconnect with parents around that trauma and it's often Complicated by present behaviors of the parent there's already often an unspoken Schism in the relationship to begin with long before no contact happens and often going low or no contact is the hardest thing that somebody will really ever do and it might be a period in your life where you at your most vulnerable and the most Raw so despite what EST strange parents often say that going no contact is done on a whim it really shouldn't be taken lightly by anybody really so later in the video I'm going to also talk about common factors about low or no contact and unfortunately often a parent reaction is going to confirm for you what you already feel about the parent and how they essentially are with you you'll see what I mean as I go through this list and it's going to be helpful for you to be prepared for your parents reaction if you can be aware of and be prepared for an arange parents reactions those reactions may not have as much power over you after you've gone no contact so I'm going to list some common parental reactions as well as how to not react to their reaction it's helpful to take note while I read these to ask yourself if these reactions have prior history in your parent like are these not new to you things like apathy or intrusion or victimization or drama often their reaction will tell you everything you need to know about the relationship and perhaps for a strange parents listening to these reactions might help you not further sabotage your relationship with your child so number one is when a parent ignores boundaries set up by the no contact and physically shows up unannounced the arange parent ignores the boundaries set up in no contact or low contact discussion or notice and just shows up to confront to get answers this is a big reaction and it's also intrusive and it

tells a backstory that the adult child's wishes or personhood always comes secondary to the parent who believes that they have the majority if not all the power in the relationship like they assume that doesn't matter if you're 30 or five they kind of own you I find that parents who do this see their children not as an individual but rather an extension of themselves here's what to do instead stick to your boundaries that you've hopefully already stated with them and just because someone shows up at your work or at home doesn't mean that you owe them a conversation but that's what this behavior is aimed to do number two is when a parent actually has no reaction and while that may seem ideal for some for the adult child this is often the most painful for some which kind of seems like a paradox which I get but I've seen clients put an effort of crafting a letter and they just received radio Silence from the parent or the extended family I find that a parent maybe quickly gave up on their kid from a place of self-righteousness or a place of immaturity or a place of being victimized or a place of being shut down what is not new about the no reaction reaction is often in childhood the child really never felt like they affected their parent in any way and they just felt invisible and it's kind of happening again so what to do with this one is do some writing about how this maybe isn't surprising to you that the parent quickly gave up and while some examples of the parenting come from apathy or disconnect or immaturity like I stated don't let your inner child take the no reaction as a sign that they are bad for hurting their parent or they have an urge to chase this parent to see if the parent cares and I know that this sounds like a total contradiction but with this one it's a really complex thing it's not like we're testing the parent but it is kind of a shock when there is no reaction number three is when a parent crosses lines to get validation and information from someone else the arange parent here crosses boundaries standard Common Sense boundaries and seeks out information or alliances with those in your life such as a cooworker a high school friend your in-laws anybody and they're looking to State their case with somebody it's important not to become so triggered in this as we forget that such behaviors speak for themselves and they kind of look toxic because they are in the recovery culture this is also what is known as a smear campaign but it doesn't a

lways have to involve the character assassination of your character it can be like a desperate seeking information and crossing boundaries in that way with somebody else what isn't new about this behavior is the toxic parent is seeing their child as a potential adversary now and they have a high tendency for some paranoia about how they're being seen that's why they may go seek out what happened with people that they don't know very well what to do with this one is to not get so caught up in what people think about you and again this Behavior speaks for themselves so if they've gone to your in-laws that they don't really know very well you know probably your in-laws are also going to see that as a little bit as really off because it is number four is something that I call passive aggressive bomb drops these are gifts cards notes left on your doorstep or at work similar to ignoring the boundaries they can often feel highly intrusive and violated and very triggering um they can be birthday gifts care packages cards holiday packages that are designed on the surface to show care while ignoring boundaries that are set and going no contact they probably do care but they're really ignoring all the parameters and the boundaries and the history with these things it's it's hoping that you forget them while the motive wouldn't be acknowledged bomb drops are usually intended to break the resolve of their adult child and allow the estranged parent some power or guilt or leverage like did you get my gift I haven't slept in 6 months but I hope you enjoy these strawberry preserves what is not new about this reaction is it's often like growing up with a parent who is highly manipulative or immature and they're able to use materials or notes to have their children forget about the abuse and just feel the guilt I've had a client receive holiday care packages or cards to their pets that's happened to several clients in a note for the pet while ignoring the client that's what this is like here's what not to do with this one while these can be very triggering just see them for what they are and it's like a parent showing up unannounced it's designed to guilt and shame you don't give that so much power and remind yourself of why you made the decision to go no contact to begin with probably a good idea to do with all of these number five is a big one here it's blaming someone else the estang parent will often focus on your therapist therapy culture your spouse your mother-in-law

the self-help books that you read as the villain who took their child away this is often a narrative that everything in the relationship was fine and perfect until that evil person came along and kind of brainwashed you and the most important thing about this the piece that isn't new about this is that a highly toxic parent often doesn't see their child as being capable of thinking for themselves like as if you're some Wai who isn't capable of critical thinking or you got wrapped up in a cult because you've always been a little bit simple that's an undercurrent message with this one with this reaction we see the sign of high toxicity is the extremely overvalued sense of goodness or victimization in the parent who is incapable of understanding why they are being cut off what to do around this one is like the others just see this for what it is it's drama it's a Cartman drama triangle of victim rescuer imp perpetrator where the therapist is a perpetrator or the spouse is the perpetrator who put these abuse IDE in your head and the parent is the victim and now also perhaps needs to rescue you from the bad guy they're looking to rescue you out of the therapist brainwashing or the social media brainwashing or the people who turned you against your parent and number six is dramatic stories essentially it's a reaction from an arange parent that can give off this Noble yet victimized vibe to explain their behaviors that led to the cut off like here's a hypothetical when a parent is like like I was taking a new heart medication that had a rare side effect and the doctors didn't tell me about that on purpose and that's why I raged at your partner at your wedding about my seating and that's why I threw the table I would expect some compassion because you know a study was just released about those with the reaction could experience a rare paralysis and heart failure you know I can send you that article if you're not too busy badmouthing me to everybody you kind of see the kind of vibe there what isn't really new there is the parents deflection of any kind of responsibility to their own behaviors This is highly toxic where accountability is always someone else's responsibility such as the doctor who didn't disclose the super rare side effect and as a side note there's often a hole in these stories of the parent kind of weirdly telling the truth saying something like but I stopped taking it a week before your wedding because I didn't want to get too sleepy like there's

often a big kind of big cognitive dissonance to a lot of these dramatic stories what to do or how to think about this one when when it comes up is these stories or drama stories are probably really not new in your history with your parent but they do come with a lot of confusing power as they often portray the offending parent as the real victim that's highly effective in guilt and shaming somebody so don't lose sight of the what happened the offending Behavior which is they raged at your partner they threw a table at your wedding the end moving on to number seven is aggressive contact attempts daily texts letters emails to get through to you in an emotionally abusive way where they're saying I can do this all day you you could block me if it feel like it but I'll find a way to kind of get to you this behavior is highly toxic it's a sign of extremely poor mental health and it's an example of emotionally battering someone like we see in domestic violence what is not new is the parent is really quick to rage and retaliation if a child deviates from the parental sense of goodness or paying homage to them or something like that I find this one to really be highly triggering but really at the end of the day it might just come down to blocking and taking care of yourself while also taking in this is a sign that maybe going no contact was the right decision for you I often find that childhood trauma survivors are can anticipate and are most keyed up about this one because the parent shows prior behaviors like this like they'll go after someone just over a simple disagreement what to do or how to think about it is you know block ignore do what you have to do but mostly just disregard don't give it so much power to wear you down which is really what it's designed to do and also note again I really want you to take this into that excessive texting multiple voicemails are the behavior of an emotional batterer like we see in domestic violence number eight is when the parent takes on a new identity as a discarded parent this last one might tell you everything you need to know about the level of toxicity in your parent they may take on a new identity as the fired parent and we as we see in some as strange parental groups that their social media handles are like fired dad or something like that and I you know support a strange parents getting support I think that that's amazing everyone needs some kind of support in these situations but be prepared though if you have an

attention seeking parent or highly victimized parent they might make this their whole thing now and like with a prior one do a lot of talking about it with people you probably maybe know what isn't new about this one and I think think of the ways as such a parent in the past tries to be very visible in being the victimized person in other situations in their life by their job by their divorce or whatever what to do or how to think about this one just take it in as data as who they are it probably is going to be confirming something for you and try not to give it too much power number nine and the final one is something I'm calling guilt-ridden last words these are when a parent gets extremely self-righteous I guess I'm the worst mother in the world then I've given you everything I've worked I've put a roof over your head I've done everything for you I'm done do whatever you want again these are about power and they are often not new but they also are highly effective in trying to guilt and shame somebody these reactions often come from a parent who has an extremely short fuse of self-righteousness even about minor things that people point out like typos I guess I'm the worst person on the planet that you pointed that out to me if you've had a parent like this just remember that this is really how they often respond and react to most things in their life it's if they have a sign of kind of f my life Vibe or approach to relationships which is often very self-consumed just like everyone else you're just leaving me kind of a Vibe a parent like this does not allow for connection and accountability which is probably why someone is seeking distance from them what to do or how to think about this one just maybe let them have the last word last words don't take away from your truth and try not to give it too much power one additional reaction that didn't quite make list that sometimes kind of happens is when the arange parent doesn't have a reaction with you they kind of Go Radio silent but they will have the reaction with your sibling with another family member character assassinate you do all the business there because they kind of know it's going to get back to you in some way I just wanted to kind of also put that somewhere as a footnote to these things so some final thoughts you'll notice that the majority of my advice here is to not react to their reaction this is really difficult not to do because there's such history it's very the most raw we probably will

ever be it's very hard because these things are extremely triggering but I find a powerful life skill is just letting people be upset of course they're going to be upset let people have their feelings even if it's a battle about the truth with probably like one of the most important people in your life but we can still just let them be upset instead of us reacting to it these reactions again are going to be highly triggering it's not realistic to not be affected by them because our inner child is already greatly struggling with guilt shame and fear and fear of the unknown as well and it's good to be aware from our inner adult and recognize that we don't have to give the parents so much power anymore which isn't new because if you ask yourself in this moment it's always been about their reactions and it's always about them having all the power if you really think back throughout your history that's most likely going to be there and as a side note about therapist contrary to what many arange parents claim less than half maybe even only a third of my clients on my case load in 13 years of Private Practice have really needed to go no contact given their situation the others even if there's problems in the family the level of toxicity was more manageable most if not all of my work is about helping people process their childhood trauma whether the client is in a domestic violence situation or they're with an emotionally unsafe relationship with a parent even in adulthood I'm going to be advocating for boundaries and empowerment and with draw when nothing else works and if an arange parent was on my case load they tend not to be if they were in in an abusive relationship with someone I'd be suggesting the same thing to them boundaries empowerment withdrawal but again not everyone needs it so there's a myth that we're all just breaking up families as therapist going no contact is a last resort that I discuss with clients a strange parents tend to criticize that it's not reconciliation without recognizing their child has been trying to do that for years if not decades to get through or get to a different place here are some really brief factors about going low or no contact it's often the hardest thing a childhood trauma Survivor will do and shouldn't be taken lightly by anybody number one is it's often the hardest thing a childhood trauma Survivor will do and shouldn't really be taken lightly by anybody number two is things need to be pretty bad in one's family or

a relationship with a parent to go no contact it's a myth that no contact is done on a whim or comes out of nowhere low or no contact is a decades long process like I mentioned I've never had someone go no contact just for poops and Giggles any parent is going to have really big feelings about this unless they are really shut down and already pretty estranged allow their reaction but you don't have to engage in it and lastly there's often a paradox to this stuff of the parent often being highly removed from their responsibility of being a parent an emotionally connected parent so often their sense of both history and health parenting is greatly impaired and here lies the problem of trying to get someone who is abusive dysfunctional or even toxic to understand that they are if this video was helpful to you there's most likely going to be a follow-up video because it's such a big kind of topic on some myths of a strange parents these are some talking points that a strange parents tend to have like claiming someone put you up to it and going no contact as if you have no thought process of your own that you've been brainwashed you know perhaps they will use this video as an example another myth is claiming that it came out of nowhere like I mentioned another is claiming that there's two sides to every story or claiming that you've always been sensitive too idealistic and not considerate of them enough or claiming that you can't make it on your own without them so this is a highly tricky issue I know that this is complicated I know that this is painful I would love to hear your thoughts on this in the comments what your experience has been what your fears are to come together as a

When an adult child decides to go no contact with a toxic family system, the family's reaction can be as predictable as it is painful. In this video, Patrick Teahan, MSW catalogues the common ways that toxic parents respond to estrangement, helping survivors anticipate, understand, and navigate these reactions without losing their resolve or their truth.

Patrick explains that toxic parents' reactions to no contact follow recognizable patterns because the same dysfunctional dynamics that drove the estrangement also drive the response. Parents who couldn't hear their child's pain while they were in contact are unlikely to suddenly develop that capacity when confronted with no contact. Instead, the family system typically mobilizes its familiar tools: guilt, manipulation, denial, and narrative control.

Among the reactions Patrick covers are the guilt-tripping messages designed to make the child feel responsible for the parent's suffering, the deployment of flying monkeys — extended family members and friends recruited to pressure the child into returning, the crafting of a victim narrative in which the parent is the innocent party wronged by an ungrateful child, and the occasional love-bombing attempt designed to lure the child back before the old patterns inevitably resume.

The video also addresses how toxic parents talk about the estrangement with others, typically omitting any mention of their own behavior while emphasizing the child's cruelty or instability. Patrick helps survivors understand that this narrative management is not a reflection of reality but a continuation of the family's longstanding pattern of avoiding accountability. Knowing what to expect makes it easier for survivors to maintain their boundaries without being destabilized by the family's predictable playbook.

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Information provided is not intended to be a substitute for in person professional medical advice. It is not intended to replace the services of a therapist, physician, or other qualified professional, nor does it constitute a therapist-client or physician or quasi-physician relationship.

If you are, or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call a local emergency telephone number or go immediately to the nearest emergency room.

If you are having emotional distress, please utilize 911 or the National Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255

How Parents React to NO CONTACT

This video is part of the following playlists...

This video is featured in...

Want to go deeper?

Reparenting The Inner Child

Navigating a Family Cut-Off

Overcoming the Toxic Family System

Topics

no contact

estranged

guilt

boundaries

toxic parents

childhood trauma

flying monkeys

triggers

accountability

silent treatment

drama

manipulation

personality

victimization

Referenced videos

Playlist

Referenced posts

This article is related to...

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