hey everybody welcome back to the channel and i wanted to do a quick video as requested about getting out of survival mode. given the state of the world right now many of you guys probably have been consistently in some kind of survival mode even say for like the past you know several years and that is totally understandable and i just want to say that up front and i want to give you guys some tangible ways of possibly getting out of survival mode or at least make it better. as always on this channel we're going to be including about how our present situations are relevant to our childhood trauma and we do that from a place of healing perspective and also as a way to maybe from that perspective is that's the way we can get out of this stuff or become unstuck is always thinking about the context of childhood trauma and that's really what the channel is about. so for some of you if you grew up like me you might constantly live in survival mode. you may also be so used to it that you might not have a point of reference for what it looks like to not be in it. that's the thing too. intermittent survival mode is a state of being that i don't really think has a timeline to it. sometimes it can be a week, sometimes it can be a year. i look at it like it's a triggered state as a reaction to a difficult situation in our present lives. so here's what survival mode might look like. side note before i read these: try to think about if any of this stuff sounds like your childhood and we'll come back to this later. so it might look like fighting hard to not break down. survival mode might be perseverating on things that you can't control. survival mode might mean to be exhausted and have a lot of lethargy going on. it may also mean that you're not able to ask for help or not even think that you can ask for help as sort of a clue that you're in survival mode. another is symptoms of depression and anxiety. another is brain fog like you're just eating, sleeping, and getting through your day and you're just kind of in a fog and a maze. another sort of clue that you're in survival mode is numbness. another clue is being highly reactive to emails, texts, or new tasks. another clue is that you're procrastinating like that analysis paralysis thing or stuckness. survival mode may also look like getting through things instead of being fully present, like you're living in a gauntlet. another is waiting for things to get better is a clue of survival mode.
another is having active coping strategies like netflix and oreos for months or a lot of medicated drinking. another is having attempts that don't really work but you keep using those attempts. that may be an additional clue to survival mode. so there's that. now here are some situations that could lead to survival mode. like what might sort of get us into it is maybe being a new parent. maybe going through a medical crisis. maybe going through a family crisis or having your kids going through their own crisis. having ongoing relationship fights and conflicts, like things aren't going well. being new at a job that might not be working out or just a new job. having an ill family member and you being a caretaker for them. going through say a pandemic might lead to survival mode, who knows about that. loss of a job, moving, or having someone close to us pass. and even being re-traumatized, like being assaulted or ruptures in relationships or the family exploding onto you, or being accused of something really big, that might put us into survival mode. so that's what it might look like, and everyone is different with different situations. if you're still not clear about it just think about a time when you were really caught up in intense fear and you were just not yourself. even going into something like college or into a master's program can cause survival mode. how long did that experience last? what was that situation for you? how is that situation possibly similar to your childhood? and a big question here is: was all the upset about that survival mode necessary? i know that that's a hard question. here's what i mean. simply having a job not working out can trigger you to your whole childhood where you felt like you were an alien due to the shame and trying to keep up with everybody else. there's nothing worse than having a job go sour when you're already struggling with something like imposter syndrome due to the nature of the trigger, which causes the survival mode. we can't think positively or better like "that job not working out might lead to better things down the road for us." it might not be the place for us. it might not be us, it might be the place. it might not be the place for us. it might be showing us that we are barking up the wrong tree, which isn't always a bad thing.
life is kind of full of those things and our dating life, job life, and other places is you know, sometimes, i think trauma survivors get so triggered if things don't immediately work out and it takes us right back to what it was like in childhood. so thinking like that, all of that positive thinking would take emotional security, which trauma survivors—we were set up to really struggle with that. that's a big difference between past and present around survival mode. we're in a deficit of it, and we have to rebuild that security over time. it's super important in life. don't take this video as like you know just sort of pick yourself up and dust yourself off. that's not always bad, but i'm not saying that. i'm saying as trauma survivors this stuff takes us right back to stuff and there is a better way to kind of be in it. so that's what i mean, and developing more security will take us very, very far in life. it's our inner adult that has the capacity to shift out of these modes and to kind of get it together more. not the inner child. their job is to watch the adult get it together and sort of have some more faith in yourself. so here goes. the first one on the list is what i call explore what is the trigger that causes the survival mode and name how your present life is different. here's what i mean. as this is a tricky thing to do so try to be as specific as possible. here are some reflective questions to figure out the childhood trauma trigger in survival mode: if you feel aimless and stuck does that take you back to not being engaged or cared for in your family system as a child? if you grew up in neglect or chaos that might be a clue for you. and as an adult how much power do you have over your life compared to when you were a kid? kids are powerless, the adults have all the power. and you as an adult have the power now to seek out resources and care that can get you unstuck in survival mode. are you waiting for things to get better as a strategy? and the strategy being almost like not taking action. i know that that sounds off but does that take you back to your own childhood? was waiting the thing to do back then? it sure was, because we had no power and there are uncomfortable things that you could start doing, like look for another job, ask for help in being a caretaker, or go to a group, or go to a support group meeting, and to take all that stuckness somewhere. to take it somewhere as a point of action.
that's what i mean about not taking action because in childhood we were just powerless and kind of waiting for things to get better, and that was probably a lot of our childhood. so that's what i mean by that. if you're having an intense relationship problem that causes survival mode, are you triggered back to your parents' relationship? the fighting, the drifting apart, the contempt for each other, the anger, the loss of connection—all of that stuff. how is it different now than it was in your childhood? is your partner healthier than your parents? try to see them clearly even if it feels super similar. do you both need help from an outside party like couples or individual? you have the power now to have those difficult conversations with your partner and seek resources to maybe make the relationship better. we didn't have that growing up. and as a side note guys, with all of this stuff, your situation in the present might be a total mess. your partner might be abusive and toxic. i'm not trying to take that away from you, but when we look at what our childhood piece is—that childhood piece and separating whether we have more power now or actually our partner isn't that bad and we do a lot of projection—that's the kind of stuff to figure out. and i know it's confusing. i'm not saying it's all in your head and it's all your triggers and blah blah blah. so that's what i mean about that stuff. another example: if you're having intense and immense job problems, what does that take you back to? for most of my clients, crappy jobs are just like our families where you have to not be real about how crappy it is, and if you have a problem, you're the problem. doesn't that sound just like the way that you may have grown up? and our jobs can really replicate that. i'm actually a terrible employee, this is why i work for myself alone for those reasons. i get so triggered when i'm working in systems that i feel like don't have the best interest of people at heart. that's just me. does that sound like your job? i'm trying to educate you guys on the nature of being triggered that causes the survival mode and the beliefs that put us in it. like "i can't fail at a job again" is a huge belief that might keep us stuck. notice how most of what i just talked about was focused on having power, and survival mode can often be wrapped up in triggers around being powerless. that issue is very much related to the next item on the list: that issue of powerlessness.
number two on the list is going to take a while to explain. do something physical to release the trigger. i call it truth work. the two magical ingredients in this: one is to do something physical and tactile to release the anger or the trigger while you're using your voice. the best tool that i know of to get somebody out of survival mode and back into their adult, or get them back in their body, is to do some rage work or truth work. this means to scream into a pillow, to hit our bed with a bat or a broom, to tear up old t-shirts until they kind of break, something physical like that, tactile. it's what i mean. to break up an old crappy printer that you might have, like in that movie Office Space. it was a very cathartic thing where the guys go into a field and they like sort of beat up the xerox machine. i have clients do all that while they're using their voice and being vocal, maybe even for the first time, about how they really feel about things or how they really feel about their situation. this is like jump-starting a dead battery because we had to be so repressed in childhood and all of our feelings had to go underground to the point that we don't have a voice and we don't know what we're actually feeling. all those situations of domestic violence, or being blamed and shamed for things, or witnessing stuff that was out of our control, or even being neglected and constantly trying to get our needs met—all of those feelings had to go underground and we become depressed, we become stuck, and we lose our voice and we lose touch with our natural span of emotions and we kind of go numb. that's what i mean by jump-starting a dead battery. you know most clients are turned off by this suggestion until they actually do it and get past the awkwardness because i'm in the room with them doing it in a therapy session when we were meeting in person. and if they are in survival mode and struggling with workaholism, i'd have them hit the bag and say stuff like "i can't keep doing this. you"—meaning addressing their parents to hold them accountable—"set me up to be terrified to make mistakes. you set me up to pick bad partners. you set me up to hate myself. that's how you treated me. i'm better than that and i'm going to get out of this. i already am." and they're hitting the bag while they're sort of saying that. at my coaching, we'll spend up to maybe 20 minutes to a half hour holding their family system accountable and getting that expression going.
this exercise shifts our energy. it gets us rooted in our truth and we start to feel more empowered, and it's like going to the gym. if you go to the gym and the time is 50, you just have this very cathartic experience. if you don't have a karate bag you can break up some old plates in the garage, just be careful, maybe wear some goggles. throwing the plates against the wall and speaking your truth. you can scream into a pillow. you can tear up an old t-shirt or cloth with your hands. you can throw eggs into a cardboard box. if you have the place or some privacy to do that you can beat up an old printer from goodwill or something. there's even places in probably every major u.s. city now, they're called rage rooms, and you can go in and you can do all this in privacy. i'm sure you have to sign like a waiver and stuff and you just beat stuff up. very, very therapeutic. might be the best option going into a rage room for your privacy. maybe even do that with a partner or a friend who's aligned with this work. why do i suggest these wacky things? well, it wakes you up and puts you into your adult. it empowers you when you do it from the voice and the place of your trauma and it creates new beliefs as you're battling old ones. as a side note it's very important as you're doing this to state the truth about what happened to you as well as state the truth about who you are. "i'm better than that. i'm a better parent than you are. i was a good kid. that was unfair. i'm going to get past this. i'm going to overcome this." it sort of—we have to have both things going on, not just like "you did this to me." so this suggestion is usually met with a lot of criticism about violence or rage work not working. here are some points about what it means to do this. it's just an emotional expression against inanimate objects. it's not violence. it's not passing the buck. and it's better to do truth work this way in privacy or with a therapist or with friends, not taking these conversations to your family. you wouldn't be violent with your family but not take that "you did this to me" stuff to your family because if they're highly toxic it's probably not going to go anywhere. you're probably going to get an argument or that kind of thing. so i think that this work is better to do in therapy or better to do not within your family system. raging against something without expressing your voice and truth doesn't work.
so you know there is a criticism about rage work, it's like "i'm mad, i'm mad." it doesn't really go anywhere. we have to do this stuff in the context of childhood. anger—the last point—is not a bad emotion. it's a compass. it's an empowering emotion if it's used right. so there's that. the third thing is connect and talk about it. what i mean is to talk about the survival mode in therapy, even if it's short term, even if it's just talk therapy. try to get into an online support group or even check out 12 step. just to show up on a zoom call and be around people trying to work through their own problems is helpful. survival mode wants you guys to isolate. sometimes what might get you out of survival mode is just validation. as trauma survivors, we're the last to know—this is a really important part—we're the last to know that we're burned out, and hearing someone say like "of course, you're just surviving, you're in a new job, you're facing divorce, and your pet just died." trauma survivors are the last to know the weight of all that because we're so in our heads trying to get through life. that is very helpful. often having someone like a therapist who is just there for you in your hour is extremely helpful. even to not have the solutions about the survival mode but to simply get the connection around it. that's what was missing in childhood. it's just having a safe person to go to and talk about things if the person is good and if you can get somebody. i don't mean to come across like, guys, like "just get a therapist" like it's easy, you know. it's super difficult to get the one, i know how difficult it is, but try to like sort of maybe come back to it and refine somebody. and i feel hypocritical, i'm full. but i mean like there are—try to explore as many resources as possible to try to find somebody. so that's what i mean about connect with somebody. and if you can't find that, really connect with a really good friend who can be supportive in some way or somebody safe. the last one, number four, is come up with a reasonable plan. i know that sounds off but when we're in this mode we are shut down and we're just trying to get through something. my suggestions here are trying to get you guys to ground and become more emotionally sober if you're in this mode. and i don't mean that from criticism. thinking about your plan or reconnecting with your purpose—what that can look like is: "i'm looking for a job next week and i'm committing to that right now.
i'm suggesting couples and gonna try that and if it doesn't work i'll look towards leaving." these are plans. "i'm raising my kids the best way that i can right now, that's my plan. i need to get into therapy and figure out why i'm drawn to a person like this or a job like this that overtakes me and i end up in the same place, that's my plan. once i get through this project i'm taking a vacation and talking to a recruiter, that's my plan. i need to figure out how to get back into school, that's my plan. i need to figure out how to leave home, like that's my plan." we all have to take time and think about is our situation sustainable, is it working, what are the steps to get out of it? what's your plan? for example let's say it's a hypothetical that i say i have a client in their 50s who is tasked with liquidating a hoarding parent's estate, and the parent was abusive, and their siblings are toxic. just think about that situation: person in their 50s trying to liquidate their abusive parent's hoarding house and their estate and all that kind of stuff, and their siblings are no help to them, and this parent was a part of their childhood trauma, in addition to that they have their own job and their own family to be part of and tend to, and they are like in month eight of legal problems and being emotionally worn down. and i'll ask them if they can either surrender and get out of the whole thing, or if they can focus on their plan. often getting out of it is not an option, but i will ask anyway. can you see the huge spectrum of family triggers that that person would most likely lead to an intense version of survival mode? they would be doing poor self-care, really stuck, really caught up in it. so their plan with me might look like "i need better self-care and count down to the days until this house is sold and then i'm out. i need to hire cleaners and estate people instead of doing some of that work myself. i might consider cutting off my family after that. this is too consuming. i can't do this again." that's what i mean about a plan. so i hope that this video was helpful to you guys. if you guys are in survival mode there is always a way out. but i think as you guys get healthier and healthier, a sign of things is you will tolerate survival mode less and less. so that example that i gave about the person who had sort of a hoarding parent—as they get healthier and healthier they will maybe not take on those situations.
maybe they will know immediately to hire somebody or look at other resources or something like that, rather than do all that work themselves. so as we get healthier, we tolerate so much less bs in our life that can lead us to survival mode. so hopefully that makes sense to you guys. plan. lastly you guys, for perspective about these four ideas: when we are kids growing up in abuse and dysfunction we didn't have any healthy resources. we were usually alone in facing incredibly difficult things and expected to perform through them just fine. we couldn't use our voice. we were trying to make things—we tried to make things better but that was usually a futile endeavor. we just had to wait it out and power through things. and all that might be a clue to the triggers that lead to your current survival mode.
