I'm going to structure each type along with the impact on a daughter in the 0:05 following ways. I'm going to talk about the impact on a daughter's sense of self. I'm going to talk about the impact on a daughter's mental health. I'm going 0:11 to talk about the impact of a daughter's sense of men, like the blueprint of men, what is modeled inside and outside the 0:17 home and the impact on a daughter's replication of childhood dynamics and projection. And after I'll talk about 0:24 healing goals to kind of achieve with each type and what might be good to specifically do or work on if you 0:30 identify with these types of fathers. Many daughters of toxic fathers can be 0:35 caught up in what feels like perpetual cycles of dysfunctional dynamics with men because of that direct early 0:43 influence of their father. like the father's moods, his inability to connect with you, how he saw you, how he didn't 0:50 see you, how he treated women in general, and if he was a stranger to you. And if you struggle with or have 0:57 struggled with toxic dynamics with unavailable men, unsafe men, men you can't seem to like get through to about 1:04 their mental health, men who are close to you, but they feel like they're still a stranger. navigating and getting out 1:11 of those dynamics with men. We'll start with looking at our first relationship with a man, which is going to be a 1:17 father. It's possible to catch these dynamics and step out of them, which is kind of like what every childhood trauma 1:23 survivor kind of wants, whether it's with a male you maybe work with, a male you're dating, or you're still caught up 1:29 with issues with your own father right now in the middle of this video. So, if you identify as queer or you don't date 1:37 men, this video will be applicable and hopefully helpful to you as well. If you're a male and you want to understand 1:43 your female partner better and yourself better and possibly your own father, the info here can also help you, too. All 1:49 childhood trauma survivors have men in their story. And if you didn't know your biological father, he affected you. When 1:56 I got to therapy, I didn't really think I had much work to do around my father because I had already like 2:02 psychologically written him off and I didn't get at that time how much unfinished psychological business I had 2:08 with my own father.
And maybe you relate to that like writing him off perhaps early in your life cuz that is actually 2:14 a common thing with childhood trauma. Despite my language here, this video is not about bashing men or making sweeping 2:22 anti-male statements. We are specifically talking about a highly abusive and/or toxic types of fathers in 2:30 this video and they are not universal to every single man. And there will most likely be a counterpart video about what 2:37 happens to men in toxic relationships with their mothers or with their fathers as well. Today we're going to be 2:43 exploring those specific types of toxic fathers and their impact on daughters specifically. If we can understand that, 2:50 then maybe we can fix patterns that we're having with men in general. And if you don't know me, I'm Patrick Tian. I'm an MSW. And this channel is all about 2:58 childhood trauma specifically coming from our family of origin, like as a system, as well as discovering ways for 3:05 our recovery and for our better mental health. Before I start, while any childhood trauma survivor can be exposed 3:10 to toxicity in childhood by a parent, it's not what that child would have 3:16 chosen. So when I say toxic father and daughter dynamics, I'm not saying it's your fault, nor is a daughter 3:23 responsible for the father's mess or his legacy with his own children. I am saying that because of unfinished 3:29 unconscious business from our fathers, we can get caught up in toxic dynamics with them or with people in our present 3:36 lives. Which leads us to the first lasting problem. What we need to address is that we can end up in toxic adult 3:42 relationships in our present lives due to having a toxic parent. That's the part that we really need to get real 3:48 about and kind of step out of. And also, I'm listing what I've seen in 14 years of private practice as a group 3:54 therapist, an individual therapist, as a couple's therapist, and also with nearly 30 years of my own recovery in general. 4:01 But I want you to really take this in. You're the expert about your relationship and your reactions in 4:07 context of your father. This is your process. I'm listing patterns that I've seen. You don't have to necessarily 4:13 agree with it. And as a male, I've experienced both a toxic mother and a father, but obviously not as a daughter, 4:20 along with how society views and treats daughters.
So now, let's explore some lasting problems or the cycles of having 4:26 a toxic father, even if he's not in your life. Here are the big three lasting problems in having a toxic father for 4:32 daughters. Number one, most importantly with a toxic father, daughters tend to get stuck in replicating dynamics in 4:40 their relationship, mainly their romantic relationships. This is in the form of projection. That's going to look 4:46 like that replication and projection, replicating the old dynamics, is going to look like dating the same kind of 4:51 dysfunctional person like in a pattern. It's going to look like giving up power, your personal power, or defaulting to 4:58 men or defaulting to the masculine to avoid being in trouble. Replication is going to look like trying to control a 5:04 partner, like trying to get them healthier or save a partner either from themselves or save them from somebody 5:10 else. It's going to look like seeking connection or approval from older men. I know that that sounds icky, but that's a 5:16 thing for both men and women in childhood trauma, or trying to get an aloof or moody man to see you or 5:22 tolerate you. Replication is also going to look like being extremely disregulated around men or flatout 5:28 hating them in general. All of these are examples of the replication and most importantly that our inner child 5:33 projects those dynamics. It's just how that stuff works. Like it's maybe your job to rescue a man or that all men are 5:40 rageful and unpredictable or men are incapable so you have to do all the work like in the concept of weaponized 5:47 incompetence which is a thing in the present to our inner child. These can feel viscerally true to survivors and we 5:54 have to explore projection of the toxic father that we had that happens. We're projecting that onto our present. I'm 6:00 not saying in any way that men are a thousand% safe. Past and present 6:06 childhood trauma at work is highly nuanced and tricky. I'll say more about that later. The second of the big 6:12 lasting three is that you might be currently still struggling with a toxic father in your present life. Do you 6:18 maybe still have to chase him to connect and you have to put in five times the effort? Does maybe he blame you for your 6:24 emotions or put you down or that you're scared of him even when he isn't around? 6:29 Does he behave in an immature way or create chaos or drama? Is he still a stranger to you?
Like, does he put in 6:35 any work to get to know you? Or is he a mess that you have to help out and rescue and be a parent for? Do you have 6:43 to deal with him or navigate him instead of enjoying his company? Like with any 6:48 toxic parent, when we're still engaged in a battle with them or a power struggle with them or we default to a 6:55 weird codependent dance with them, we're still in it and it highly affects us. 7:00 Despite you as the daughter, you might be used to it on some level. actually 7:06 when we get healthier we tolerate less and we kind of really recognize that things are really taxing to our system. 7:12 So in these present problems part of healing might be about the need to 7:17 engage less or withdraw or shift your energy around this parent not to do the 7:23 same old same old like trying to get him interested in his own daughter by trying 7:28 again and again or trying to get him interested in his grandchildren. And the third one of the big three is how a 7:34 daughter feels about herself as a lasting problem. As a society, we still 7:39 don't recognize how important fathers are for our sense of self and our development. Like an example is, do you 7:46 still struggle to feel lovable or valuable? Not just with your father. Has your worth ever been only based upon how 7:53 you look? Do you still believe you have to be a certain specific way to be loved by a man? This is hard, but are you more 8:00 familiar with things like neglect or disrespect or immaturity from a man? And 8:05 maybe the opposite of those things, feel uncomfortable or or foreign. And this is hard, but are you more familiar with 8:12 things like neglect or disrespect or immaturity from a man? And maybe the 8:18 opposite of those things feel foreign. Remember what I said earlier about these are not things that we would have 8:24 chosen. meaning we are not responsible for those stuck places. I mean we are 8:29 responsible for the healing but no one would have asked for those things. So parents have a lot of power if not all 8:36 the power to tell their children who they are and either directly or indirectly or through neglect. So deep 8:43 in our core how they felt about us is how we feel about us. But toxic people 8:49 no longer get to tell us who we are. Remember that. Moving on. Here are some complicating outside factors in these 8:56 toxic fatherdaughter dynamics. Here are some things we need to address before getting into the types of toxic fathers.
9:02 And there are some additional complicating factors for daughters of toxic fathers. These are things that 9:07 daughters are taught at home and in their
