0:00 So codependency is a term, and we kind of have a vague sense about what it is, but we don't really know exactly what it is, 0:07 or why it's not good for us, you know, Unless you've worked like a 12-step program, like Al-Anon, around codependency, 0:13 or you've read quite a bit about what the issue is. Most of us don't really know what it is. And it's an issue that I see that all childhood trauma survivors 0:21 have some kind of shade of it, and it's not a single issue issue. What I mean by that is that 0:26 you could be diagnosed with a mental health diagnosis, but you can't be diagnosed as codependent. 0:32 I look at it as an undercurrent relational construct, or something that it's like shame. 0:38 It's sort of something. It's like a symptom. It's something that we have going on in the background, 0:44 I think, related to childhood trauma, but it's not like something that you can get diagnosed for. Here's an analogy that I have around codependency- 0:52 Growing up around Boston, we have all these colorful terms, and one of them is like: 'Oh, he's driving a shit-box!' My Car Analogy 0:59 And others might know that as sort of, someone who is driving a car and it's that they have bought a lemon. 1:05 Which is really like a cheap rundown car, that you might get for less than say, $500. 1:10 And it's something like 'My aunt's selling me her '84 Buick Century for $300!' 1:16 'I got a car, kid. It's got holes in the floorboard... ...and the heater doesn't work, but I don't care!' 1:23 'We don't need Fitzi to drive us to Papa Gino's anymore or wherever!' They're really like a car for teenagers 1:30 that it's like their first car that they get from a family member, or from friends, that sells it to them, to maybe get them to school and back, 1:38 or maybe to go to Papa Gino's or maybe go to the mall, and get yourself a Paula Abdul tape at Strawberries. 1:44 If you're young and don't know what I'm talking about, just Google these 80s and 90s references! 1:50 But buying a car like that, hopefully comes with the understanding or hopefully disclosed, that the car is operable, 1:58 but it's usually at the last end of its life, or at the end of its life cycle, and you can't expect too much from it. 2:04 Someone struggling with codependency, will most likely have magical thinking about that car, 2:10 and the codependent buyer usually isn't focused on the problems, or they may miss them entirely.
2:17 So a codependent person might happily pay the $300 for a car like that. 2:22 And for the first week they might find the broken radio, or the broken heater, or the wooden spoon shifter... 2:29 they might see that as funny or cute, because it belongs to them and they love it. But on the fifth day when it breaks down on 128, 2:38 or on one of Boston's scenic congested highways, a codependent person might be shocked, 2:45 that they ended up there at the side of the road. They get the car towed, or they get it fixed, 2:50 and they have some good days with the car, and then the same thing keeps happening over and over. But the magical thinking about what the car is, is still there. 2:59 Some codependents might get aggressive with the car, and try to shame it into being what it's not, and some might really root for the car, 3:07 like look at the car as an underdog, and not want to give up on it. Have you been in a relationship like that, where you kept trying, 3:16 but you were unable to accept that it just wasn't working out? Would you have felt bad for the car, because it's such a mess? 3:24 Or would you have been disgusted with the car, that it's such a mess, and forget that you picked it? 3:29 We're going to come back to that later in the video. Have you had a similar dynamic 3:34 with a parent or a family member growing up? If you grew up in childhood trauma and abuse, 3:40 as a child you had nothing to work with, and you did your best with what you had. 3:45 This analogy isn't about me blaming you for your relationship choices at all. The analogy is about a dysfunctional drive 3:53 that we have in us, that needs things to work out, or we need it to be different. 4:00 And the magical thinking isn't new; It starts really early in our lives. Those struggling with codependency 4:06 will think an s-box car like that, will be different for them. That's the magical thinking. 4:12 And there's a bunch of powerful inner child work to do. If you have an inner child that runs your decision making, 4:19 or has ever run your decision making like that. If you're watching this most likely you could be in a relationship like that, with a car like that, 4:27 or you could have had that in your past. And the car doesn't always mean a relationship. 4:33 It could be a friendship or even a job. So all through my life of recovery, I take on s-boxes, with the fantasy like: 4:41 'this will be different for me!' Whether it was a job, or a friendship or a relationship.
4:46 And my mother lived like that as well, and that's where I learned it from. So, some more about codependency... 4:52 Codependency to me, is it's like a big umbrella term, that means many things. 4:58 Often it's a confusing and tricky thing to really nail down. I have two helpful quotes about codependency, More About Codependency 5:05 that gives us some guidance. One is, I don't know where I got it from, but this is my favorite quote, which is, 'codependency is 5:11 waiting for the other person to change without taking any action'. Another quote by Melody Beattie, 5:18 whom I'll reference later in this video, is, 'a codependent person is one who has let another person's behavior affect him or her, and 5:27 who is obsessed with controlling that person's behavior.' So notice how those two quotes, 5:33 sound like having very different relational vibes. Waiting for someone to change is seen as passive, right? 5:40 You're just hanging out casually waiting for an abusive partner or a situation that doesn't work for you, to just get better on its own, 5:48 without doing anything to really address it. And the other, quote, being obsessed with, and controlling, 5:54 another person's behavior, feels a bit more of an aggressive vibe, but they're actually very similar. 6:01 Like with the owner of the s-box car, who tries to shame the car into being what it's not, 6:07 and the one who is overly optimistic and unwilling to give up on the little car that could. 6:13 Those are both actually very similar, which is what this video is about. Those two vibes about codependency 6:20 kind of proves that we don't really.. assume we know what codependency really is. So So, moving on, we usually think of a codependent person, 7:18 as someone who is overly patient, an overly willing, patient soul 7:24 who is terrified of being abandoned, by a difficult or unavailable or aggressive partner, Defining Codependency and Symptoms 7:29 or a bad situation. Or there's a worse assumption out there. This one I really don't like, 7:35 is thinking of a codependent person, as someone who can't manage social situations like a party, or the grocery store, without their anchor person. 7:43 It's weird, but I find that codependency is rarely that, if ever that, and I think that's like a pop psych kind of construct. 7:50 And that's what I mean about the confusion about codependency.
I see codependency as an old survival mechanism, 7:57 of trying to make the impossible work, by avoiding grief and pain. 8:03 So that sounds very familiar to most of your childhoods most likely. What unites those two vibes and codependency- 8:09 the aggressive and the passive, is control and manipulation. But the strategies of those two vibes are done differently, 8:18 depending on the person's childhood and their style. I'll come back to that later. Briefly, here's some common symptoms of codependency. 8:28 If you did not grow up in safety, with parents who had their own emotional house in order, 8:33 you are going to relate to some, if not all of these. These are normal symptoms 8:38 for adults with childhood trauma, and dysfunctional upbringing. So the list is long, so just kind of bear with me here. 8:44 One is needing to be needed. One is self-betrayal. One is self-righteousness, either internal or an external. 8:52 Like having fights in our head or overly taking people on. Something that I call overly navigating people. List of Codependency Traits 8:59 It's like when someone is like: 'I know you said you didn't like tomatoes, so I left them out, and I put yours on the side, but if that's annoying, 9:06 I could redo the whole thing, or whatever you think. So you don't have to think about the other options' that's really controlling and navigating someone. 9:13 I could do a whole other video on that. Another is needing things to be okay as a default stance. 9:19 Another is insecurity. Another is being conflict averse. Another is acting out over what isn't good enough. 9:27 Like perfectionism, like you can't tolerate your partner is just bringing a bag of chips to a party, and you have to 9:33 go to Whole Foods and buy $100 and that whole kind of vibe. Another is defaulting to authority figures, or more aggressive people. 9:41 Another is struggling with having your own voice, or your own expression. 9:47 Another and this is a big one, is being numb or unaware of other people's dysfunction. That's a big one. 9:53 Another is controlling someone's behavior like we mentioned. Another is latching onto people, places and things 9:59 out of desperation. Another is not thinking you can do better in relationships and jobs. 10:06 Another is avoiding boundaries due to being very unsure, or second guessing yourself. 10:11 Another is having all energy going into making the situation or thing with the person work.
10:18 Another is intense self-guilt, guilt and shame. I'm almost done. 10:23 Another is unable to let others do things like pay for lunch or help make dinner or contribute. 10:29 Another is caretaking. Another is needing caretaking. Being hyper-responsible is another one, or being highly irresponsible, 10:38 letting others do things for you, is a form of codependency. And lastly, another is rescuing. 10:44 So these symptoms can be broken down into two categories, I think, and hopefully this will clear up some confusion 10:50 about what codependency is. Here's an infographic. You guys know how much I love infographics! 10:56 And on the left... the two categories listed here are: caretaking others 11:02 and the other is changing others, which is on the right. The caretaking type on the left is rooted in seeking okayness. Codependency Types Chart 11:10 Seeking okayness in conflict and work, seeking okayness 11:16 in friendship, seeking okayness in a relationship, and without okayness, it will greatly disregulate them. 11:23 Not being okay with others is their main trigger, and they will have immense anxiety around things not working out, 11:29 not working out. You can think about this as almost like I don't want to get into a discussion about attachments, but that anxious attachment style is kind of like in the ballpark to this. 11:39 Their main strategy is keeping the peace, making things work, being selfless, and taking on a lot of burden, 11:48 and also assume that they are inferior. It's not just literal caretaking of someone, 11:55 when someone say volunteers out of anxiety of silence in a group meeting, like at work, 12:00 and they take on the burden of a task, just because they can't stand the silence or they can't stand the tension. 12:06 That's an example of caretaking. The change others type, 12:12 They are rooted in being dissatisfied, yet still being very much invested in the job, 12:17 the friendship or the person. The change others type tends to give advice, offer solutions, 12:23 and then get really hurt and angered, when the person still doesn't change or take their advice. 12:29 They get to be superior, in inferior relationships. 12:34 Try not to think about that as sort of like narcissism, or in that ballpark. This is different. 12:39 The last part there is super important: 'to be superior, in inferior relationships'.
12:46 It's more about a vibe of, they're stuck in something that they don't see that 12:51 they may need to sort of leave, or get better, or something like that. So if you've ever known a co-worker who 12:57 constantly suggests better ways to do things, and then feels victimized when they're not listened to, 13:02 has this 'change others' vibe going on, you might identify with that yourself. They are fighting to change a system, 13:09 rather than accept it or leave it. And I was very much that person in my own recovery. 13:14 We could be a combination of both styles or stay somewhat fixed. It doesn't really matter. However, if we look at the center of these two circles, 13:22 both types try to control. This is where it gets interesting. Both types have low self esteem issues. 13:30 Both types refuse to move on from the job or the relationship, or take different action like from that quote. 13:36 They both communicate in ways, like being overly nice or politely victimy, 13:42 which are examples about being passive aggressive, and they both try to manipulate. I know that that's a loaded word. 13:47 It's not like a very nefarious manipulation. You could look at that navigating people an example that is 13:53 to sort of manipulate, it's like they're manipulating the person thinking that they're going to be mad when they're not. 14:00 They're just like: 'What? I'm not really that invested in the tomatoes.' We can manipulate with kindness, or we can manipulate with criticism. 14:08 Codependency is never really a forthright communication style. So the main point in this video is that the person on the left 14:15 is usually the one identified as a codependent. When the person on the right is just as codependent. 14:20 Their inner children just have different strategies of staying safe. Both parties are waiting for their relationship or 14:28 job or friendship to change, without taking any real action, like leave the job, or leave the relationship, 14:34 or look at how their strategies don't serve them, are wrapped up in trauma and those very much need to do some healing work. 14:41 Instead, they engage in a power struggle, which we'll see later. It's an important word in this video. 14:47 We manipulate and control, for not wanting to change ourselves, or give up on, say, a relationship. 14:53 This is what I mean, where all of us as trauma survivors have these shades of codependency, 14:59 and this is all very subconscious stuff.
We're trying to make this more conscious. Many trauma survivors on the right of that infographic, 15:07 need to be seen as being stuck with the person, friend, or job, and they need to be seen as doing their damnedest in a superior way. 15:15 Even if they're right about the thing, it doesn't really matter. It's about the vibe. Many trauma survivors on the left, want to be seen 15:21 as being the better person, and want to be rewarded, for their kind and gentle efforts, or accepted for that. 15:29 Let's look at how codependency is rooted in childhood. I'm going to look at this from two lenses, the first being: 15:36 'what gets modeled for us about relationships, coming from our family system?' and the second one is 'what kind of strategy did we have How Codependency is Modeled in Dysfunctional Family Systems 15:44 with our parents, as individuals, or caretakers, or whatever?' How we had a strategy to deal with them in childhood. 15:51 First, let's look at the modeling. Children absorb how the family operates, and that becomes 15:57 our blueprint for life, and relationships. If we see codependency in our parents, we will most likely 16:03 operate from some altered version of that codependency. I'll ask a client: 16:09 'What did your parents model or teach you about relationships?' And it's kind of a scary question to reflect upon for most of us, 16:16 because I find that the blueprint is still running us, or we are running from the blueprint, and we don't have a healthier model to operate from. 16:25 In a recent video that I did on toxic family systems, one of the systems, was what I call 'Aggressor and Codependent'. 16:33 This is a type of blueprint. This type of family system is what my parents modeled. 16:38 My family was also blended with some other things from that video, like some Chaos, some Anti-Love, some Ships in the Night. 16:45 Those were some of the toxic family systems that I talked about, in that particular video. And my parents could be both the aggressor at times. 16:53 Notice the term power struggle in this infographic, and that the children are set up for future codependency themselves. 16:59 What was modeled for me in my family system, is that you get into a relationship with unhealthy people, 17:06 and then you engage in a power struggle over who is the real bad guy. Misery was the template.
17:12 They both mostly fell into the type of 'change others', on that right side of the infographic 17:17 and their codependency, that I mentioned earlier. They were fused in a power struggle That was like: 'I don't have to be a good partner, 17:24 because you're such an awful disappointment.' See how that's a power struggle? It's almost like a negotiation of like: 17:32 'I will become a better partner, when you become less of a disappointment. And until then, we're just going to continue this awful mess!' 17:38 That's what I mean about a power struggle. So what may be codependent coming from that family system? 17:45 What makes you codependent from coming from your own? I would also fall into the category of the right side of that infographic, 17:52 that I showed you guys earlier, of trying to change others. 17:57 And that's just one type of blueprint. Another is to say, like a family that lives in quiet desperation, 18:04 of really being in an unhappy marriage, but never be real about it, or never take any action to leave, or really address it with each other. 18:13 And it doesn't have to be super loud or conflict oriented, like the family system that I grew up in. 18:18 So the modeling in that quiet desperation system is that, not being into your partner is normal, 18:24 and don't expect much from life. All you got to do is just try to keep making it work. 18:30 That's a version of caretaking. The stuff that's on the left of that infographic. Some other factors about looking at what was modeled for you, 18:39 is did you have a parent who modeled a kind of a kill 'em with kindness kind of attitude, that's caretaking? 18:44 Did you have a parent who modeled constant dissatisfaction, with their partner, or their job, or their friendships? 18:51 That's change others. Did you have parents who shouldn't have been together, but were? 18:56 That could be a combination of those two things? Those two sort of styles. Did you have a parent who never challenged dysfunction? 19:04 That's caretaking. Did you have a parent who did too much for others? Also caretaking. 19:09 Did you have a parent who constantly criticized but never left? That's the change others. Why might have your parents not divorced, 19:17 when they would have maybe benefited from it outside of financial reasons? Was there low self-esteem in them going on?
19:24 I don't think my parents got divorced because I believe that they were more comfortable with the power struggle, and the mess, 19:29 than seeking better partners. And I think that that's ruled by shame and low self-esteem. Their hidden low self-esteem, 19:36 made them risk averse to healthier choices. They were more familiar with the misery, I think, 19:41 than believing in themselves. So they just duked it out for years. And that power struggle- trying to change each other. 19:48 A huge part of the modeling is never changing to never leaving, and putting up with a lot. Children who see codependent relationships, 19:56 will assume that what they see is normal. If your parents weren't together, What did they model in their relationships after? 20:04 I have a lot of clients where mothers and fathers got new partners, who are even worse than the original marriage. 20:10 They might have been toxic step-parents, toxic boyfriends, toxic girlfriends. And there was modeling in that pattern, 20:17 of their own parents codependency. Dad could have been drawn to women who were abusive to him, and his children, 20:24 and he would be on the left of that infographic, trying to make things work, and really not doing anything to change it. 20:30 Mom could have been drawn to dating unavailable partners, and she tried to shame them into being better. 20:35 But it never worked. That's more on the right. That's a certain type of modeling. And you could have been raised by a single mother 20:42 who was codependent with people who are not good for you, like teachers, or extended family. 20:47 It doesn't have to just be with a romantic partner, like even they may have had their friends around 20:53 who are abusive to you. So that's what I mean by that. Now let's look at a strategy we had as kids with our parents. 20:59 That second lens. Children growing up in toxicity have to attach. 21:04 Try not to think about this one particular in terms of an attachment style, but what kind of codependent strategy Our Codependent Strategy We Had as Children in Dealing With Abusive Parents 21:11 did you come up with in dealing with your parents? Did you take care of your parent emotionally? 21:17 Were you the adult, and they were the mess? Was there an authority or submissive dynamic 21:23 going on with the parents? Like, did you have to give in, because they were so loud, or aggressive, or abusive? 21:29 Were you waiting for a parent to get it together for you? That's a big one.
21:35 Like really waiting for dad to sort of get sober, or see that you are being abused at home, and come rescue you, or waiting for mum to do the same thing? 21:42 Doesn't matter so much about the genders. That's what I mean by that. Waiting for a parent to get their stuff together for you. 21:50 Did you have nothing to work with? Did you raise yourself? Or did you have to deal with the insanity 21:57 of just being alone with an insane person? If you were drawn to the right side of that graphic like me, 22:04 I would get really disappointed in partners if I felt like they weren't doing the right thing. That's really wrapped up in my relationship 22:11 with my mother and my dad. She consistently didn't do the right thing. I was my mom's caretaker when I was small. 22:17 You'd think I'd be on the left side of that graphic. But as I aged, and in my dating relationships, it would start as caretaking, or being me being super available, 22:26 and then it would gradually, I would get really triggered around the intimacy, and I would try to change them, 22:32 that they should go to therapy, that they should do this, that they should do that. It's very familiar to my relationship with my parents growing up, 22:38 most of our codependency is wrapped up in us projecting our parents onto partners or situations that are familiar to our systems growing up. 22:46 If you grew up with a very reactive, or volatile, or criticizing parental systems, you could be on the left of that infographic. 22:53 You might do everything in your power to make things okay. Growth is recognizing that it's a trap, 22:58 that kind of doesn't go anywhere, that it's like an infinite game, especially if you've picked a partner who is 23:04 consistently dissatisfied or moody, and you could be paired with your opposite on that infographic or with the same. 23:11 I see clients on the left of that infographic, as being children and families 23:16 who came up with a strategy of making peace, being the adult, when that was needed, being selfless, 23:22 trying to be a good kid, instead of just being a kid. And they were already overly focused 23:28 with people being mad at them, or disappointed in them. I see clients on the right, say growing up with maybe having a highly disappointing parent, 23:36 or a mentally ill parent or an alcoholic parent.
And the person on the right is sort of acting out, 23:42 from a place of trying to get through to people, trying to be seen as having good ideas, trying to be seen as being valuable. 23:48 Then that's what I mean about that projection. So I just have two homework tasks in this video, and the first is a journaling prompt, 23:54 a simple way to look at whether you're wired to be on the caretaker, (you might know), but to think about whether you're wired to be a caretaker How to Start Working on Codependency 24:02 or you're wired to change others, is to reflect and do some writing around: 'What's the subconscious fantasy in your codependent relationships, 24:10 with friendships, with relationships or with jobs?' Let's just say you dated a moody and critical partner for a long time. 24:17 Did you have a fantasy that your patience, or your kindness, or your shape-shifting yourself into what they wanted? 24:24 Did you have a fantasy that that was really going to work and that moody person would change and really see 24:31 you as their key person in life? Can you translate that into a fantasy that you might have had with your parents? 24:38 Like being a really, really good kid? Was there a fantasy that your parents would really see you, 24:45 and really sort of love you unconditionally, and really sort of change, 24:50 by you, like doing the dishes or making the bed, or being kind, or like cleaning up, or really trying to take care of them? 24:56 That's what I mean about, and this, it's fantasy it's not... Fantasy really isn't a good word if it's so subconscious, 25:02 but that's what I mean by that. If you're wired to be on the right side of that infographic and changing others, 25:08 is the fantasy about being listened to? Is it about being maybe valued for the first time? You know, 25:13 that your messy partner, or your messy job will all of a sudden get themselves together, 25:19 and maybe the partner will get themselves into therapy? Or maybe they'll get sober, or maybe they'll simply do the dishes without you prompting them. 25:28 And what would it feel like if they got their stuff together for you? Because you finally got through to them? 25:33 That's what I mean about a subconscious fantasy. Is that similar to your childhood when thinking about your parents, 25:40 or your family system, or your siblings?
In an e-course that I have on my website, there's something called the Children's Bill of Rights, 25:46 and there's a favorite right on there, and that is the right to affect somebody. And I think that these two strategies 25:54 is about our inner child, needing to affect a person, or a job, so we can be valued or we can be seen. 26:01 What it means to affect somebody, means that when you say to a parent, you don't like to be tickled, or you don't like to be teased at the table, 26:08 or you really need some time with them. That they take that in and they deliver on those things, 26:14 because you are of value to them. Most of us, all of us I think growing up in childhood trauma, 26:21 never affected people in that way. So it's a huge chunk of the engine of our codependency that runs us. 26:27 And I think that that's the fuel that runs the engine, to this pain and shame of not mattering, 26:33 that is our codependency. So the second thing, is not a journaling prompt, it's simply a simple task- to go out and get 26:39 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie I'll put a graphic sort of up here. It is a classic. 26:45 It is profoundly helpful. If you hadn't read it yet, and if you like this video, this book is probably written for you. 26:51 If you identify with the issues in this video, it's an immensely helpful book. Some final thoughts: codependency is very insidious. 27:00 I find it to be one of the most difficult things to treat with clients who have severe cases of it. 27:05 I've had an easier time getting clients to look at their alcoholism, and become sober, Final Thoughts 27:12 than I've had to get really severely codependent clients to get out of their own way with their codependency. 27:17 So it runs deep. And it's not always like a cute thing that I've described in this video. 27:23 It's an engine in us that tends to be... it's been operating very strongly, for a very long time, 27:29 so it is something to sort of be taken seriously. There are also some types of dysfunctional family members 27:34 who I describe as viciously codependent, like a father who aggressively gives up on all the connection with his children, 27:41 because those children challenged him about the stepmother, or like they've challenged the evil stepmother, 27:46 and there's drama and betrayal. Or say, a mother who sides with one addicted sibling, 27:52 and disowns the other siblings, because she's the only one who 'gets' the addicted sibling.
27:57 That's what I mean by viciously codependent, they can be very aggressive. That would really sort of probably fall more on... 28:04 I'm not saying the right side of that infographic is bad, but that's an extreme, extreme version of that. So lastly, I'll leave you with this. 28:12 I've talked a lot about what codependency is, but I'll end here in describing what codependency isn't. 28:18 So codependency isn't when someone makes empowered choices and does some healthy risk-taking, 28:25 not fueled by fear and low self-esteem. That they get out of the toxic situation, 28:31 and they have an easier time, shorter amount of time, about staying in a job that doesn't work for them; 28:38 Because they're not ruled by the low self-esteem stuff. They're not ruled by their fear of it. Another is, when codependency isn't letting things just play out. 28:49 An ability to relinquish control. Like letting others hit some kind of bottom, without sort of trying to prompt them, 28:56 or kind of get through to them. Another is accepting others to feel whatever, 29:01 you know, openness and maturity to other people's upset, that we don't have to control or navigate it. Another is boundaries about what to take on, 29:09 and what not to, or whatever, like taking on tasks at work, or taking on other people's emotions. 29:16 The non codependent person is so much better at boundaries, and they're not sort of ruled by fear, 29:22 or shame or low self-esteem that runs that stuff. Another is having a healthy sense of selfishness. 29:28 I know that that's a loaded word, but there is a healthy selfishness, not taking on the extra project at work, 29:35 or just if there is one last piece of cake in the conference room, 29:40 they're not ruled by shame if they ask for it, they're just like, 'oh, well, someone's got to eat it!' That kind of a thing. 29:47 And my favorite is- a non codependent person is comfortable with being misunderstood, even if that's tricky. 29:54
