So recently I did a short video on social media about indecision or having really a lot of difficulty making decisions. It can be an extremely limiting problem for childhood trauma survivors and many of you asked for a full video on this very tricky issue and how to work on it, so here it goes. To recap: decision making—the problem of it as childhood trauma survivors—can manifest in big and small decisions like should you break up with somebody, should you switch jobs, should you take a class, should you get back to somebody, or even deciding on what you're going to have at the restaurant. And the smaller decisions, it's funny, but they tell just as much of a childhood trauma story as the bigger ones.
In struggling with making a decision, it's like a paralysis of endless debating with ourselves or avoiding deciding, like perpetually tabling something or taking way too long to make a decision. Here are some examples: staying with a partner for way too long in this debate with yourself and putting off a breakup, or staying in a bad job for years due to the fear of a new process—not knowing what's going to be on the other side of a new job, and that's going to be a lot of the focus of this video. Staying in ambiguity on getting back to someone about plans. Changing your order several times and still not feeling good about it—in a similar way to your online purchase cart. If any of you have gotten lost in online reviews about buying a product for hours only to give up, that's kind of what I mean by this stuff. Big and small stuff.
Hopefully we know that we're being neurotic, and the inability to make a decision isn't good for us for the following reasons. First, it erodes our self-confidence in being able to handle the outcomes of our decisions. We're spending way too much time in anxiety and unnecessary suffering for most of this indecision stuff. It affects others around us like our friends or our partners—they lose the connection with us because we're in this neurotic place, or they get frustrated about plans, or a meal, or endless conversations about breaking up with somebody.
Most importantly, our stuck place around decisions isn't good for you because it takes away from your flow in life and your security within yourself about being able to handle anything, including a change or including a different outcome like leaving a crap job for a better one or taking a risk and kind of living your life in a better way. It's really not good for us. So for the rest of the video keep thinking about: what is it on the other side of making a decision that really frightens you or limits you in the way that you can't make one?
Is it From Childhood Trauma? It's funny, but I had the opposite problem about making decisions. Meaning where I grew up in this very chaotic alcoholic home, I kind of call it an anything-goes kind of childhood. So decisions were kind of too loose and too easy for me—jobs, eventually going back to school, dating someone, taking in a sketchy roommate, or even going to therapy. My attitude as a younger guy was just like, you know, f-it, I'll give it a whirl. I'll give anything a whirl. In many ways that freedom to make an on-the-spot choice worked for me, and in many ways it really kind of got me into trouble.
Some of us need to reclaim letting go of what's going to be on the other side of a decision, and some of us need to be more thoughtful about our decisions. There's a spectrum to it. Being impulsive or careless about decisions and being obsessive about decisions are actually both strategies from our childhood trauma. Every kid comes up with their own strategy that keeps them safe. Being careless is a strategy about not being real about how things could go wrong and defending against consequences, with a little bit of bravado. Being obsessive or indecisive or neurotic about decisions is a strategy to control the outcomes and control those consequences. Not deciding keeps us safe.
As a side note, when I'm using the word neurotic it's not a judgmental tone. All neuroticism means to me is just evidence of childhood suffering.
Childhood Trauma Categories The problem that we have with decisions and being stuck in them or avoiding them can come from any of the following childhood trauma issues.
#1 Neglect: Growing up without any parental guidance about how things work in the world—from doing a science project to talking to adults. Another issue is overwhelm due to lack of parental help—having to figure out a school project on your own, or what to do about an abusive family member. Children need a lot of help and neglected kids don't get it. Another is being parentified—making decisions for others in the family, being this little adult. Another is not mattering to our parents about decisions, like signing up for something. As adults we can get triggered to great shame and disbelief that there would be an art class that would welcome us in. Sometimes decision paralysis is related to how uncomfortable it is to be seen or welcomed.
#2 Criticism and Contempt: Growing up with daily criticism: “Why are you wearing that?” “Don't you know the difference between pliers and a monkey wrench?” “You're just like your mother.” “You messed that up again like everything else.” Toxic comparison: “Your sister's doing amazing, why can't you get it together?” “You never finish anything.” If you’ve heard these kinds of things, there's a sad setup: criticized at home, then triggered later in life when trying something new.
#3 Dysfunctional Parent Modeling: Parents who didn't budget, weren't realistic about money, made bad decisions with long-term consequences. Parents profoundly stuck and never worked on it. Parents who modeled hyper-rigidity around decisions—spending months researching a purchase and being wrought with anger and anxiety about pulling the trigger. Parents who were impulsive or careless and not attuned to how their decisions affected the family. Parents who brought in abusive stepparents, or who were profoundly negative: “What's the point of changing jobs when we never get ahead anyway?”
Hypothetical Case Example Let's do a hypothetical: Jill, 30, a CPA for six years. She hates it. She wants to do something more in line with her interests, like a Master's in counseling or starting a creative business. For years she's researched, applied, done courses, set up social media, even lined up rental space. But at the last moment she shuts it all down—too much anxiety. Then she forces herself to embrace accounting, self-flogging: “Who did I think I was for trying?” Months later, the cycle repeats.
In therapy we'd use a genogram, explore family dysfunction, family rules, educate on what healthy families do. Jill shares: her father was rageful, violent, hated his work, believed doing what you love is selfish. He modeled martyrdom and weaponized sacrifice. Her mother was codependent, enabling, didn’t protect the kids. Parents were cheap, rigid, hypervigilant about money.
Carl Jung said the most depressing thing that can affect a person’s life is the unfulfilled life of their parents. Jill grew up in misery. Children just want their parents to be happy.
In inner child work, Jill’s inner child believes that if she pursues her dreams, others will suffer—she’ll abandon clients and coworkers, be selfish. The parental message: doing something for yourself = others suffer. She also inherited trauma beliefs about money: spending = danger. In therapy we’d reframe: her father’s martyrdom was just a license to be abusive. Healthy parents want their kids fulfilled and happy. Reparenting means teaching the inner child they’re not bad for making decisions for themselves.
Jill’s Core Beliefs Shame: “I’m bad, selfish, undeserving.” Control: repressing feelings, magical thinking (“I’ll force myself to like accounting”), shutting down dreams to control risk. Security: Jill didn’t grow up with security. She learned that not upsetting others was the only safe option. The other side of risk is insecurity, and that’s terrifying.
Indecision can be seen as a trauma response—fight, flight, freeze. Flight = fleeing the decision, like Jill returning to accounting. Freeze = shutting down, tabling decisions.
How to Work on It Best: work with a good childhood trauma therapist. If not possible, here are some prompts:
What is your decision-making process? Is it cycles of wishing and researching, then shutting down? Is it anxious guilt-ridden deliberation? Or reactive fear-based decisions? Write examples.
What is the fear? Write out the Doomsday scenario. What’s the consequence you dread?
Is the fear from childhood trauma? Neglect, criticism, poor modeling, family tragedy? Write the connections.
What’s needed for security? Not tangible like money, but emotional. What would your inner child need to feel safe? What reassurance could your inner adult provide?
Final Thoughts You always have the right to change your mind. Decisions are trading one discomfort for another—but being stuck is the worst discomfort. You can make a decision and modify it later. Remember, you’re an adult now. You can handle the other side of decisions, even though your body is conditioned otherwise.
A new job will come with stress. An online purchase might be wrong. A breakup will come with pain and loneliness. The chicken might be awful and the fish amazing. The inner child wants to know exactly how it will turn out, but we can’t. That’s where security comes in—being able to handle anything. The inner adult needs to step in and tolerate what’s on the other side of decisions. Usually that leads to more flow and joy in life.
I’d love to hear if this was helpful—what your stuck place is, or how your life got better after finally taking a risk.
And as always, may you be filled with loving kindness, may you be well, may you be peaceful and at ease, and may you be joyous. I will see you next time.
