navigating other people codependently looks like this I'm going to do a little role play here so I'm sorry I know you said you wanted to you love spaghetti but I didn't know if you wanted to go low-carb pasta or just regular full carb pasta and I could do it with some ground beef or I could just do it with mushrooms or both of those or neither of those whatever you want and I didn't know if you were lactose intolerant because a couple of months ago you were talking about maybe cutting out Dairy so we could even skip any of the cheese on the pasta or totally skip the pasta um I could run out and get some sushi that's a really good sushi place by me but I understand if you're a little bit concerned with the Mercury a lot of people are and I totally get that and if that's the case I could just go and get something we can go to a vegetarian restaurant nearby they do these amazing curries but if that's not your thing I totally understand too and I could come pick you up and maybe on the way I could go to the grocery store we'll just get some stuff for salads like whatever you want or if you have any ideas I'm all for them and um end scene.
And the funny thing is on the inside the person is really giving it their all to be a gracious host to the receiver which is cool and all but in reality it's a controlling behavior that is most likely due to childhood trauma. I think it's also exhausting for the person being on the receiving end of that for a couple of reasons. One is there's a lot of extra overwhelming options going on there and the second is the receiver is being treated like a bomb that needs to be diffused like they're going to be upset if this person doesn't cover all their bases. The codependent person is putting so much energy into trying to contain a potential explosion that doesn't exist and it doesn't feel good to the receiver when others project that we're going to be angry at the suggestion of like full carb pasta like what the f how could you not know that I'm trying to go low carb and didn't you notice when we went out for bagels last week though I ordered blah blah blah blah blah how could you—you know like that might be our familiar response from our parents in childhood but not from the present situation.
And if it's not fear of the receiver's response then it's most likely shame of not being good enough or thoughtful enough or actually getting something wrong with other people. So in this video we're going to look at the four types of ways that we navigate people as childhood trauma survivors. We're going to look at specific examples to really understand the behavior, we're going to look at where it might come from in childhood trauma, and I'm also going to give some recommendations on trying to not do this stuff anymore.
About Codependent Navigating Codependency is an umbrella term holding several versions of a series of behaviors. At the crux of it codependency in my mind is behaviors that shield you from being more authentic and true to yourself in a healthy way. We are not being our authentic self if we don't value ourselves as much as we value others and it's part of navigating other people due to how we are raised in childhood trauma. We might be totally removed from what healthy authenticity looks like, which is perfectly okay if you don't have a frame of reference for that.
The behavior I'm calling navigating is really about going around something in a detour as opposed to taking it directly on. It looks like going around something that is potentially dangerous to our inner child because they really have had no modeling of what being direct looks like. They probably assume that being direct is to be mean and it can also be fear of not knowing what's going to happen after we're direct—like fear of the unknown.
So we'll outline the types of codependent navigating, where it comes from in our childhood, and how to work on it with our inner child to be relating more authentically with others.
1: Kill 'em With Kindness This kind of navigating is really about being totally accommodating and totally selfless and it involves unintentionally overwhelming others by trying to be of service. Childhood trauma survivors will do this with anyone in authority, with friendships, new romantic partners, or even strangers. It's coming from either worry about people being mad that you're not sensitive enough (familiar to your childhood) or worry about disappointing somebody which causes shame.
How it's controlling: we're controlling the recipient's image of us by overwhelming them with gracious options. For example, with a boss you might volunteer for everything, take on more than you can handle, and run yourself into the ground just to get their approval instead of letting them be human and imperfect.
From childhood: often comes from shame, parentification, or growing up with a moody or narcissistic parent where defusing unpredictability meant survival. It may also be modeled by a selfless codependent parent.
How to work on it: practice good enough behavior. Put out simple snacks instead of an elaborate spread. Work only your salaried hours. Give 80% instead of 190%. Remind your inner child that others aren’t your parents and they’re not demanding perfection.
2: Head Them Off at the Pass This looks like saying "I knew you'd say that" or creating airtight arguments so no one can criticize you. It's preparing responses for everything, overexplaining, overapologizing, forecasting what people will say.
From childhood: this can come from being parentified and impressing parents by being a “little adult,” having perfectionistic parents who grilled you, or being neglected so you went into your head to map out what adults might say. It was survival genius as a kid but destructive in intimacy as an adult.
How to work on it: try not having a response for everything. Experiment with giving short answers without backstories or apologies. Stop forecasting people’s needs. Let others experience you as you are, not as what you provide. Remind your inner child it’s safe to take these risks.
3: Check it Out (x5) - Not Trusting This is repeatedly confirming the same thing. "We’re leaving in an hour, right?" … "Okay 45 minutes?" … again and again. It comes from distrust, dissociation, or fear of abandonment. It can drive people crazy.
From childhood: comes from neglect, abandonment, broken promises, catastrophes due to irresponsibility, or paranoid parents who modeled distrust.
How to work on it: journal with your inner child about their trust issues. Experiment with only confirming once and sit with what comes up. Reassure your inner child that it’s safe.
4: Sneaky Questions This is indirectness. Instead of "I’d love to spend the day with you," you say "So you’re off tomorrow?" Instead of "I’m worried about your safety," you ask "Did you read that article about crime downtown?" It’s manipulative because it avoids being direct for fear of the other person’s reaction.
From childhood: sneaky questions develop when it wasn’t safe to ask directly. If asking got you yelled at or mocked, you learned to ask indirectly.
How to work on it: journal about when being direct wasn’t safe. Note what your parents modeled about questions. Practice being more direct even if it feels scary.
Final Thoughts When we navigate people from our childhood trauma and codependency—which is really our tendency to not know how to be real in safety—we assume others are barriers we must work around. These genius survival strategies kept us safe, but now they make us come across as not empowered, not direct, not forthright. We project onto others that they’ll react like our abusive parents, which isn’t fair to them or to us.
Are these strategies always bad? No. People-pleasing, heading off conflict, confirming, or indirectness can be useful at times. But when done from a trauma place they keep us from being authentic. Instead, we can be direct, take risks, deal with disappointments, and just be human without overexplaining, apologizing, or defending.
When we do these things from the trauma place, we don’t believe in ourselves or others—even the good ones.
I hope this was helpful. I’d love to hear from you in the comments about your thoughts and experiences.
