one of the most common issues I've witnessed for adults with childhood trauma is the absolute struggle to do real intimacy with our partners and to get issues resolved so that we can deepen our connection and grow as a couple. Like wouldn't that be nice? But as childhood trauma survivors we usually find ourselves in codependent trauma-based relationships where we're trying to fix our own childhood through a person who most likely has their own childhood trauma of their own going on—and their inner child is doing the same thing with us.
Childhood trauma gets fixed really by doing deep work on ourselves, not by replaying patterns with our partners. But that's kind of like what we all do unconsciously until we work on ourselves. And the first step out of that kind of mess is making that unconscious battle that we do with our partners conscious—which is what this video is going to be about.
So I'd like to take a deep look into trauma-based codependent relationships and figure out their function with each other. If you're not familiar with the concept of codependency I did a video on codependency as it pertains to childhood trauma (link in description). There's often a perfect storm going on in these connections, like kind of a peanut butter to chocolate kind of perfection—they just go together. But here they don't go together for good reasons.
As a side note I've titled this video to be about trauma-based relationships, not trauma bonded, which is more of when a victim or a hostage gets bonded with their perpetrator like in a Stockholm syndrome kind of thing. Trauma-based is more about two individuals being run by their trauma, but they're not really in the dangerous stuff of say violence or exploitation or sexual exploitation.
You might identify as being in one of these couples right now. You might have had these trauma-based codependent relationships with an ex. And you're definitely going to see this within your own parental systems growing up. So let's dive in—I'll be talking about what each of the five types look like, how each individual's trauma contributes to the problem, as well as some therapy goals for each partner, and recommendations towards the end.
Preface These dynamics may feel gender-specific, but they're not. They show up in all kinds of partnerships and all kinds of folks can have different roles.
1. Aggressor/Codependent Aggressor codependent is when one of the pair is aggressive—that can look like anything from being extremely moody to somewhat violent, to being controlling, giving silent treatments, being super strong-willed, domineering, "I'm the most important person in this couplehood because of a, b, and c." It doesn't have to mean the aggressor is full-on nasty; it can also be someone who is highly neurotic with lots of special rules and considerations that others have to submit to. The aggressor is a force to deal with and it often feels oppressive.
The codependent in the partnership ranges in behaviors like trying to kill the aggressor with kindness, not being real about how bad their behavior is, or controlling themselves with their own passive aggression. But they won't address or leave or get fully honest. And to confuse things further, both partners can switch roles.
Why does this dynamic work? Peanut butter and chocolate. Each person's trauma finds a counterpart. The aggressor may be demanding to be seen because they never were as a child, or demanding atonement from the partner for old family wounds. The co-dependent may be repeating their childhood survival strategy—appeasing a moody, weaponized person to feel safe or loved. Both are re-enacting their trauma scripts.
Healing goals: The aggressor needs to look at how their family system set them up to devalue intimacy, and redirect their blame from their partner to the abusive system they came from. The codependent needs to see how their system set them up to appease, and instead of managing the aggressor, hold their family system accountable. Both need boundaries and accountability.
2. Doer/Tag Along This couple looks like one person (the doer) making the partnership or family life happen, while the other (the tag along) just coasts. The tag along doesn't initiate plans, doesn't arrange holidays, doesn't take initiative. They might live in avoidance, isolation, or hobbies. They can feel like another child, not a partner. The doer, rooted in control, keeps everything going but with resentment.
Why peanut butter and chocolate? The tag along may have been infantilized or unchallenged, or modeled by neglectful parents. The doer may have been parentified, habituated to overfunctioning, often with resentment they couldn't feel in childhood.
Healing goals: The tag along must learn initiative, conflict skills, and to parent their inner child out of immaturity. The doer must learn to release control, tolerate reciprocity, and address their own childhood setup of being forced to overfunction.
3. Absorber/Enabler Here, one partner (absorber) takes on the life, mission, or identity of the other (enabler). They become the champion, lose themselves, live through the other. The enabler allows or even enjoys it. This can look like a partner who is all about the other's job, illness, or family, with no identity of their own.
Origins: The absorber likely grew up with abandonment, neglect, or anonymity, looking for identity through others. The enabler may have grown up being enabled, as a golden child, or never learned how to support someone else's individuality.
Healing goals: The absorber needs to grieve their lack of self, reconnect with their inner child, and build their own life. The enabler needs to explore why they're comfortable with a selfless partner and how they benefit from it.
4. Stonewall/Chase Stonewalling is withdrawing, shutting down, avoiding conflict—it's a biological trauma response, not just manipulation. But it feels devastating to the chaser, who responds with criticism, contempt, or desperate pursuit. The cycle: one shuts down, the other escalates, nothing is resolved.
Origins: Stonewallers often grew up in high-conflict systems where shutting down was survival, or with catastrophic punishment for speaking up. Chasers often grew up with parents who used mood as a weapon, held secrets, or left them vigilant for others' emotions.
Healing goals: The stonewaller must learn why they flood, increase tolerance for intimacy, and understand their impact. The chaser must learn to let others have their feelings, to tolerate silence, and to examine their childhood setup around abandonment.
5. Getting the Band Back Together This couple breaks up and gets back together in endless cycles—sometimes for years or decades. Magical thinking, selective amnesia, drama, Disney-love fantasies fuel it. Boundaries are porous; the door is never closed.
Origins: These partners often come from chaotic, immature, shame-based family systems where abusive members were never held accountable and the door was always left open.
Healing goals: Each needs to examine their magical thinking, addiction to drama, and low self-esteem that keeps them in cycles. They need therapy support to keep the door closed and build inner adult security.
Final Thoughts For all of these couples, my recommendation is not to start with couples therapy. Each partner first needs individual trauma work—examining family of origin, abusive systems, inner child wounds. Couples therapy without this insight often just circles around surface fights without real resolution.
Reflective questions:
Can you talk about your patterns without blowups or shutdowns?
Do you know your part in the dysfunction? Is it really 50/50?
Do you see these patterns in your own parental system?
These dynamics are more common than you think. With insight, boundaries, and re-parenting of the inner child, healing is possible.
So
