my father had narcissistic personality disorder he was never officially diagnosed because well he never went to therapy but I lived with him for 18 years before his passing in the mid90s and me being me and given what I do it's safe to say that that's what ran him in addition to being NPD narcissistic personality disorder he also had complex post-traumatic stress disorder from what we know and what we gathered from his childhood from extended family not that he was going to be authentically giving of that information because the idea that he had any internal problems was ego distonic to him meaning it wasn't in line with his image of himself he'd often even in addition he would often speak highly of his own father my grandfather who can be easily defined as a highly sociopathic alcoholic he grew up in extreme abuse and in many ways it was more horrific than my own but I don't say that to minimize my story or celebrate his generational trauma is complex as each generation has its own challenges and as a side note I think comparing our own trauma to our abusive parents is a slippery slope I think it mucks up the following I think it mucks up raising the bar of better parenting ourselves as a species because I think we'll ignore the abuse from our parents out of understanding or too much compassion and I'm not saying the compassion is bad there but it also mucks up the process of holding abusive parents accountable for passing on to the abuse to the next generation.
So my father had all the trappings of malignant narcissism he was grandiose he was neglectful he was emotionally and physically violent he was profoundly vulnerable but unaware of it he was manipulative, vindictive, entitled, competitive, demanded adoration, dark triangle kind of stuff and he was also a sporadic alcoholic. He wouldn't drink for weeks at a time but every time that he drank he would do so to the point of intoxication. The alcohol isn't the root for the narcissism although those two things can look similar. I believe being abused as a child as well as having a genetic disposition formed who my father was and I believe he was ruled from both ego and from survival-based defensives.
About NPD and CPTSD So looking in depth at these two issues—NPD and CPTSD—what are the differences and what are the similarities? An NPD individual certainly has both since NPD is mostly a result of the childhood environment. In other words, with both issues it's all trauma but not all childhood trauma results in NPD. CPTSD is a diagnosis that differs from traditional PTSD as it refers to multiple traumatic experiences over time rather than just one traumatic experience like a car accident or war or an assault. CPTSD is not recognized in the US by the APA which is kind of odd but it is recognized in other countries.
In my work I use the term CPTSD interchangeably with childhood trauma with more trauma through the individual's life as a result of the childhood experiences such as choosing abusive partners because they're just familiar. CPTSD doesn't have to involve childhood trauma but in my mind I think it usually does. And believe it or not I think there are large parts of both CPTSD and NPD that look very similar. Both get extremely activated and triggered and when we get triggered we lose our ability to see the humanity in others and we become self-focused, self-consumed, and both often live in a triggered state at baseline. This video is going to explore these two psych issues and I hope it's helpful in rethinking yourself, rethinking our quickness to label others as narcissist, and rethinking our family system if we're still confused.
If you identify with recovering from CPTSD and childhood trauma this video might be a little bit hard it might name some things about your own behaviors which is always hard but that always leads to a greater sense of self-awareness and recovery.
Personal Preface So okay so here we go. Before I show the infographic a little about the dark side of Patrick. At times in my early recovery I was extremely reactive especially around if I felt that others were letting me down. I was extremely controlling around how things might look like in group settings like playing in a band. I was also pretty chaotic in my dating life starting things out of loneliness or desperation and then quickly deciding that I didn't want what I had just started. I tended to have very intense fast connections which I think is really in line with a lot of the childhood trauma stuff. I could also be outwardly moody, took things too personally, struggled with anger, had some pretty heavy high-maintenance energy going on.
Think about that presentation I just gave and think about it in terms of the infographic that we're about to go over on these two issues.
Overlapping Factors Infographic Narcissistic personality disorder involves the following: lack of empathy, grandiosity, self-importance, using others, treating others as supply, being manipulative, covert or overt aggression, preoccupation with conquest and adoration. An individual with this disorder has a broken self-monitoring system. That lack of self-awareness makes them shameless, insufferable, arrogant, shallow.
On the other side for CPTSD (childhood trauma): hypervigilance, self-sabotage, shame, relational attachment issues like control (which are survival-based instead of supply-based).
The overlap: both can be image-focused, but in different ways. The narcissist is ruled by image. Someone with CPTSD can be worried about how they're seen and hide flaws due to shame. Both can have low frustration tolerance. Both can live in a triggered state at baseline. Both can be abandoning, though for different reasons. Both can be self-consumed—either by image or by trauma narratives. Both can be dissociative, controlling, ruled by narratives, or consumed by fantasies.
Non-Overlapping Factors Infographic NPD traits: self-importance, entitlement, grandiosity, shamelessness, relational manipulation, lack of empathy. CPTSD traits: self-sabotage, shame, survival-based control, abandonment out of triggers, lack of affecting others, hyper-empathy or codependency.
Self-Consumed Behaviors Infographic The biggest overlap: both are self-consumed. Acting out from triggered narratives. Entitlement in different forms. Leaving relationships callously. Projecting parental figures. Reserve of rage. Unaware of impact on others. Self-seeking in relationships. Unable to show up for others. Egoic and defensive. Self-righteous.
Final Thoughts My main thoughts on these two issues are: childhood trauma and CPTSD is a self-consuming issue that can often look like narcissism. Childhood trauma can turn us into being pretty miserable people. CPTSD survivors have more diverse emotional states where those with NPD are more predictable and fixed. The culture of online recovery is hyperfocused on the narcissistic parent—for good reasons and bad—but the term narcissist is thrown around too easily. Many survivors are hypervigilant about narcissism, but complete recovery looks like losing interest in the narcissistic personality disorder and focusing more on healing.
CPTSD survivors have more likelihood for insight and change. NPD individuals usually don't. My father had NPD and was profoundly abusive, but after years of recovery I don't really toss and turn at night about him anymore, which is a good place to be.
If you're confused about someone—boss, partner, family member—ask: are they really NPD? The defining piece is self-importance, martyrdom, fixed ego, vindictiveness, retribution, crazy-making behavior, provocative statements, love bombing, pedestal-building. Those are top signs.
If you fear not recognizing narcissists again, work your family system trauma and you'll reclaim your ability to see it up front. Hypervigilance doesn't restore intuition—healing does.
What if the people we call narcissists are actually CPTSD survivors, dismissive avoidant, or neglect survivors? Their behaviors might look narcissistic but aren't the "real deal." If CPTSD survivors get therapy and recovery, they can own their self-consuming behaviors and change.
Leave a comment, I'd love to hear what you think.
